Good Morning. I just want to thank the person that posted that last comment. I have always said that the comments on this blog are soooo much better than what I write. It has taken me several days to understand the first sentence but I think I have some comprehension of what was intended. Second of all, for the last three days I have been down and out with a fever and head congestion, so I could not "hold onto" all of those negative feelings. There was just not enough energy to be angry, hurt, or fearful. I was just ill. So, I have to say the break was worth it. Now, I am trying to figure out how to proceed. Action items are always best in situations like these. So I am searching for work and just trying to get my head around what will be on the other side of this tunnel. I really have no idea, but who does? So, today I just want to experience the day. Share some time with Zoe and recoup my strength.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I know your positive thoughts and prayers have had an incredible impact on my well-being.
Have a great weekend! God bless.
G
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4 comments:
Gwen,
I don't know if you will remember me,my name is Maggie I worked with Steve. I just heard today about Alex and my heart is breaking for not only the road you have traveled with Alex's illness and then his passing, but the one you now must travel with out him.
I lost my oldest daughter many years ago, time really does not matter with the loss of a child. I am sad to hear about you and Steve.
Sometimes it is so hard to find that place where people say you should be as a couple,they say that something like this brings you closer together, that did not happen with myeslf and my husband, we found ourselves in very differnt places.
I am grateful to say that we are still together today but back then it was hard for me to understand him.
What he finally made me understand is that even though he felt the loss of our daughter so painfully, he felt he could never feel the loss the way a mother feels the loss of a child, he believed that is is not the same for fathers because we carry our children under our hearts for nine months and as soon as they arrive we as mothers will place our children above all else.
He said as my husband he always placed me first and wanted me to know that it was ok that he was not the most important person nor ever would be again in my life.
This is what made me forgive the sins that i had pinned on him and made me love him all the more.
Men and women grieve so differently and i think through that period I felt like I got to see how truly different men and women really, more so than at any other time in our lives together.
I am sorry for just going on i wish I had some wonderful words that someone had shared with me to make things a bit better, I don't. I do however find that i can go for longer stretches of time when she is not constantly on my mind, but when i do remember the pain is no less than it was the day I lost her.
I do understand that when i grieve i do so for myself, for the loss that i have endured, my daughter was a special needs child and had to work so hard to be on this earth everyday of her life and it took me a long time to believe i mean really believe that she was in a better place and that the tears i cried were because something wonderful had been given and then taken away from me.
I do not know if that is true for everyone but it was for me, and that was when i could really start to heal a bit.
My youngest daughter was nine when Dejah passed away, as hard as it was I am so grateful that she was on this earth already. We do have quite a special relationship, even though i feel i let her down quite a bit for the first few years after my daughters passing.
My heart and prayers go out to you, Steve and Zoe and i hope this blog does not cause you or your family any kind of heartache, i usually do not share this part of myself but Alex did touch my life even though it was just for a moment and to honor him i wanted to share with you,the one who loved him as only a mother can love. Please hang on to the wonderful you that is still there despite all the changes that you have gone through and those yet to come.
Please tell Steve that he too will be in my prayers, i want to call him but do not have the words.
Maggie
Gwen,
I left the second post on Wednesday...and thought I would leave you this poem....it is one of my favorites from a book with the same title. Hide it in your heart for the future...you do not need to know what that looks like right now...but know that it will be good if you let it be.
I will not die an unlived life.
I will not live in fear
of falling or catching fire.
I choose to inhabit my days,
to allow my living to open me,
to make me less afraid,
more accessible;
to loosen my heart
until it becomes a wing,
a torch, a promise.
I choose to risk my significance,
to live so that which came to me as seed
goes to the next as blossom,
and that which came to me as blossom,
goes on as fruit. -by Dawna Markova
You have all you need within you...focus on love...many prayers...love, Jillian
Dear Gwen...Been a while since I had read your blog. Was so sorry to hear that things had developed into a crisis. I cannot even imagine the new pain you are feeling on top of the past pain still residing. Our prayers are with you now and always.
We love you and we believe in you!!! We also love Steve and believe in him!! Paul and I have been through several traumatic times...even separated twice for several months. In my case, it was love, concern and protection for my children...wanting to keep them from sharing too much of the pain...that kept me sane and focused on my "mother" role until the wife role could be resolved into some kind of order.
I praise God that you have Zoe. There were days that I wanted to stay in bed and cover my head. But life demanded that I create a place of security and peace for Kelly & Blake in the midst of all the confusion and turmoil.
You, likewise, will find a strength that you do not know you possess...because you are one of the greatest mothers I know ...selfless to the bone. She will be a great reason for moving forward...until your "new purpose" and plan are fully revealed.
I don't mean that you will live for Zoe alone...just that as you move through the motions of motherhood with her...you will begin to find yourself. We are all looking for our "reason for being". When our "wifeness" is threatened...it is good that we have other roles to pour our love into while looking for answers.
You will discover what things are essential to survival...what things are frosting. In the end you will make wise decisions and a new life will begin to unfold.
I remember the hysteria well...but I also am living the aftermath... and it is good! You are a bright and shining light...the world needs more of your kind of loving and giving. God has something great in store for you...and Steve...and Zoe. Look forward as much as you can...and let as much of the past as you can fall away.
Praying for you...Dianne & Paul
Dear Gwen, I know you and Steve are going thru yet another undeserved heartbreak. If you're wondering, thats why I sent you both a hug on facebook. Take care, & find strength in that WONDERFUL tattoo!
Melinda McGrath
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