Hi everyone. Let's just cut to the chase. Valentine's day was a very hard day for me. Alex was present in so many ways. I missed him so much. I really wanted to buy him a Valentine's day card. I really wanted to make cupcakes with him and ZG. And I really wanted to kiss and hug him and tell him I love him. ZG and I made cupcakes and later in the afternoon we decorated them with our neighbors. Seeing Alex's best friend is hard sometimes because I am used to seeing her engage with Alex. So we made it through and now I can move on.
Zoe came home sick last Monday and once she was well, I got sick. I had a doctor's appointment Tuesday and he gave me the Z-pack for upper respiratory gunk. I'm just starting to feel a little better. Even though ZG was better, I kept her home all week. There's been a lot of illness in town and I felt it was the best choice.
Over the weekend we had a date with a wonderful couple that really know how to have fun. It was a blast and we really enjoyed our evening with grown ups!! We need to do that more often. At the end of the evening, the discussion turned serious and the following words came flowing out of my mouth.
"Alex gave us a challenge. He challenged us to find joy and live an authentic life. He challenged us to stop wishing and start doing! If you want health then go out and get health. If you want a satisfying, rewarding career then go out and get one or make one! If you want joy then go and find it and every second of every day; in every "bad thing" that happens there is joy!" I feel these words came from Alex and not me. And I really wanted to share them with you.
So I have some news!!! Steve and I are planning on taking our honeymoon. Yes, I know we have been married for seven years but it's never too late and we REALLY need it!! We hope to go to San Francisco, do the city thing then head for Napa/Sonoma areas then end the trip on the ocean at Mendicino. I am really excited about this and have decided to work out more often to really get myself in shape. I think the endorphines are starting to kick in and the pounds finally started to come off. YEAH!!
So I have to tell you all about Monday. Well instead of spending money on a dresser for our room, STeve and I decided we would take the one in the nursery and move ZG's stuff into the closet. This meant that Alex's clothes needed to be packed up. This was such a feat for me. I found myself bawling uncontrollably and smelling his clothes. I was upset because I did not want to "pack Alex away". It felt so wrong. Linda came in and saw how upset I was and suggested that I keep some of his clothes out or in a special box in the nursery. I agreed and picked out several of Alex's favorite things - Transformers, TMNT, Lightning McQueen and of course, Spiderman t-shirts. I kept one of this footie pajamas that are red and super soft and cuddly. I kept some of the clothes that we had pics of him in too. I felt better, but needless to say, I have not touched the rest of his stuff since.
Steve and I really want to move the playroom to the current dining room. I have so much anxiety about this task after Monday's experience. I would kindly like to ask for assistance. So if you are available sometime in the next week, can you please call me and perhaps help me pack up some of these toys, etc. I really need the help!
So my therapist said, "you are doing everything right." She was talking about working with Zoe to help her cope; planning a honeymoon; and working out and dieting to get the body I want. That was so validating to hear. I really felt good when she said that to me. She also told me that Alex's death was not a punishment for me. Rather it was simply a fact of life. That Alex and God had their own timetable and death is as much a part of life as is birth and living. She told me that the immortal gods of mythology always admired mortal man because they were able to value life. The Gods would live forever no matter what so this very moment had no significance. That is our blessing. Isn't that great?!
Okay, I have to go and get ready to pick up ZG. Her therapist said yesterday that she is seeing some improvement in Zoe's self worth, so that is good news.
Love you all, God bless!
G
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Wednesday, Feb. 13th, 2008
Good Morning. So much has happened and I have meant to write to you all but life is busy. So far the gym membership is being used but the pounds are not coming off. I guess that is to be expected? I heard about this cardiofree diet/exercise program and if this continues I may just move on to that. All of these classes make me hungry and since it is still pretty new I am not getting those much loved endorphins yet!!! That usually takes me at least 2 weeks. So I'll hang with this for a while.
Besides that the new med levels are doing there job and I can function these days. I may have to stop drinking though (note the non-committal "may")!! I have always been super sensitive to my drinking since my father abused alcohol. I was feeling pretty cocky since I had attended a couple of events and handled the alcohol very well. This past Saturday though, I went to one of those "slumber parties" for women only. You know the kind, with all of the "fun" toys, lotions and potions. Well I did not eat before going and just kept pouring myself more and more wine. Needless to say, I remember bawling during my ordering session and then pretty much everything else is a blur. I did not drive, for the record. I woke up in the middle of the night with all of my clothes on and Steve was very perturbed with me. Luckily I had drank alot of water during my wine glasses so the hang over wasn't too bad. It just made me think. If I am blacking out and stumbling drunk then there is definitely some alcohol abuse going on here. I really don't know what to do about this. I think I will just bring it up in the next counseling session. If you were with me Saturday night, I apologize profusely for my behavior. As a forty-something adult, I should be better at this than I am currently. Please forgive me.
So about a week ago, Zoe's teacher called a PT conference. She told us Zoe was not doing well in the classroom. She indicated that Zoe was disconnected and uncommunicative in the class. She also was not engaging the older children (as is desired) rather she was working more with the younger kids. I could not believe my ears. I remember during the summer, Zoe's teacher telling me "Zoe is bound for greatness, she just won't accept anything else!" So our very talkative, engaged daughter was a different child away from us. We knew she could be shy, but not to this extent. ZG's play therapist said it sounded like ZG was "fear based" in the classroom and that she just needed to be held close then encouraged to explore and engage. I can't tell you how upsetting this is to me. Personally, I think she does not want to engage with the older children because the last time she became attached to an older child (her brother) he disappeared and that is very sad to her.
Steve and I are thinking about redoing the arrangement of the house. Reducing the clutter in the play room and switching it with the dining room. This way ZG will be in the same part of the house as we are in most often and more contact will be likely. We also have to reduce her TV watching. You see when Alex was sick, they watched alot of TV together. Alex could not run and play so this was a shared activity for them. Also, towards the end of Alex's life, most of our attention was "used up" by his care. Fortunately, our dear friends and family made a concerted effort to help out with ZG. Nevertheless, she did spend alot of time in front of the TV. So that will be changing soon.
Okay, I just wanted to put these things out there. I will write soon, but until then please take the time to tell the ones you love how you feel! Tomorrow is a great opportunity to do so!
Love and hugs! God bless!
G
Besides that the new med levels are doing there job and I can function these days. I may have to stop drinking though (note the non-committal "may")!! I have always been super sensitive to my drinking since my father abused alcohol. I was feeling pretty cocky since I had attended a couple of events and handled the alcohol very well. This past Saturday though, I went to one of those "slumber parties" for women only. You know the kind, with all of the "fun" toys, lotions and potions. Well I did not eat before going and just kept pouring myself more and more wine. Needless to say, I remember bawling during my ordering session and then pretty much everything else is a blur. I did not drive, for the record. I woke up in the middle of the night with all of my clothes on and Steve was very perturbed with me. Luckily I had drank alot of water during my wine glasses so the hang over wasn't too bad. It just made me think. If I am blacking out and stumbling drunk then there is definitely some alcohol abuse going on here. I really don't know what to do about this. I think I will just bring it up in the next counseling session. If you were with me Saturday night, I apologize profusely for my behavior. As a forty-something adult, I should be better at this than I am currently. Please forgive me.
So about a week ago, Zoe's teacher called a PT conference. She told us Zoe was not doing well in the classroom. She indicated that Zoe was disconnected and uncommunicative in the class. She also was not engaging the older children (as is desired) rather she was working more with the younger kids. I could not believe my ears. I remember during the summer, Zoe's teacher telling me "Zoe is bound for greatness, she just won't accept anything else!" So our very talkative, engaged daughter was a different child away from us. We knew she could be shy, but not to this extent. ZG's play therapist said it sounded like ZG was "fear based" in the classroom and that she just needed to be held close then encouraged to explore and engage. I can't tell you how upsetting this is to me. Personally, I think she does not want to engage with the older children because the last time she became attached to an older child (her brother) he disappeared and that is very sad to her.
Steve and I are thinking about redoing the arrangement of the house. Reducing the clutter in the play room and switching it with the dining room. This way ZG will be in the same part of the house as we are in most often and more contact will be likely. We also have to reduce her TV watching. You see when Alex was sick, they watched alot of TV together. Alex could not run and play so this was a shared activity for them. Also, towards the end of Alex's life, most of our attention was "used up" by his care. Fortunately, our dear friends and family made a concerted effort to help out with ZG. Nevertheless, she did spend alot of time in front of the TV. So that will be changing soon.
Okay, I just wanted to put these things out there. I will write soon, but until then please take the time to tell the ones you love how you feel! Tomorrow is a great opportunity to do so!
Love and hugs! God bless!
G
Saturday, February 02, 2008
February 2, 2008 - Groundhog day
Hi all. So things are not as dark as they had been these days. Getting off the sleeping meds really seemed to help. I also FINALLY found a therapist I like and believe can really help me through this. I can't tell you what a relief that is!! She told me that I need to solicit friends to get me out of the house those 10 minutes each day. So if you are interested, please let me know. She also suggested that I start journaling. You see I am GREAT at holding in/pushing down/ stuffing my feelings (no wonder I carry so much extra weight, huh?). She explained that while that "survival strategy" worked in my childhood that it was doing me a great disservice these days. The weight and power of this ball of emotion in my gut has been overwhelming at times. I am so fearful of its depth and pain so I just keep it all bundled up tight inside. I have not done the journaling yet but know it will be a useful tool when I do.
She also wants me to get on a schedule. I have been trying so hard not to take on any "projects" that would divert me from my healing. She explained that this was not a good strategy either. That I need a project, preferably one that will honor Alex. I have several ideas, so we'll see where they lead.
STeve and I are really having a very, very hard time. We find ourselves needing comfort that the other person is just not able to offer. It is a very lonely feeling. We have gone out the last two Friday nights and said alot of things that needed to be said. I am hopeful that we will survive "the most divisive hardship a marriage will ever face" but if we don't; we are dedicated to giving it all we can.
Zoe is doing okay. In her last play therapy session she expressed a need for a cohesive family moving in the same direction (can you say WOW!!). She also expressed some anxiety as well as did a lot of Mom nurturing play. She is very worried about me. This stuff is just amazing. Children never cease to be awe-inspiring, do they?
So we had a girls' night out this past week. I actually had a very good time and thoroughly enjoyed my time with some incredible women! We call ourselves the "Dazzling Dames" and wear tiaras during all of our gatherings. If you have never tried wearing a tiara during your day, I highly recommend it! It really does change how you walk and feel about yourself. So go and celebrate your inner Princess! Then tell me about it, please! I am planning another event for February, so if you see a bunch of women wearing tiaras come by and say "hello". My counselor said I have to do more of this kind of thing. I told her I felt bad not spending time with ZG and Steve. She explained that right now I need to take time for myself so I can be a good wife and mother. So I guess once again, I need to call on my support system.
Steve and I have also joined the local gym. I love doing aerobic classes and am very much looking forward to having endorphines coursing through my body. Steve also found a yoga class nearby that we started last Saturday and will continue to do together for 5 more weeks. I miss yoga but left the first class in a horrible mood. The instructor really pissed me off somehow and I was just plain old MAD! Luckily, she was not going to be our instructor for the remaining sessions. I have NEVER left yoga in anything resembling a sour mood, so this really threw me for a loop. Nevertheless, I am going back in an hour and very hopeful that I will leave in a better mood!!
Okay, well that is the update. The tears are still there every day. At least now I can start to imagine that one day I will be able to anticipate joy in my life. That is HUGE!!!
God bless!
G
She also wants me to get on a schedule. I have been trying so hard not to take on any "projects" that would divert me from my healing. She explained that this was not a good strategy either. That I need a project, preferably one that will honor Alex. I have several ideas, so we'll see where they lead.
STeve and I are really having a very, very hard time. We find ourselves needing comfort that the other person is just not able to offer. It is a very lonely feeling. We have gone out the last two Friday nights and said alot of things that needed to be said. I am hopeful that we will survive "the most divisive hardship a marriage will ever face" but if we don't; we are dedicated to giving it all we can.
Zoe is doing okay. In her last play therapy session she expressed a need for a cohesive family moving in the same direction (can you say WOW!!). She also expressed some anxiety as well as did a lot of Mom nurturing play. She is very worried about me. This stuff is just amazing. Children never cease to be awe-inspiring, do they?
So we had a girls' night out this past week. I actually had a very good time and thoroughly enjoyed my time with some incredible women! We call ourselves the "Dazzling Dames" and wear tiaras during all of our gatherings. If you have never tried wearing a tiara during your day, I highly recommend it! It really does change how you walk and feel about yourself. So go and celebrate your inner Princess! Then tell me about it, please! I am planning another event for February, so if you see a bunch of women wearing tiaras come by and say "hello". My counselor said I have to do more of this kind of thing. I told her I felt bad not spending time with ZG and Steve. She explained that right now I need to take time for myself so I can be a good wife and mother. So I guess once again, I need to call on my support system.
Steve and I have also joined the local gym. I love doing aerobic classes and am very much looking forward to having endorphines coursing through my body. Steve also found a yoga class nearby that we started last Saturday and will continue to do together for 5 more weeks. I miss yoga but left the first class in a horrible mood. The instructor really pissed me off somehow and I was just plain old MAD! Luckily, she was not going to be our instructor for the remaining sessions. I have NEVER left yoga in anything resembling a sour mood, so this really threw me for a loop. Nevertheless, I am going back in an hour and very hopeful that I will leave in a better mood!!
Okay, well that is the update. The tears are still there every day. At least now I can start to imagine that one day I will be able to anticipate joy in my life. That is HUGE!!!
God bless!
G
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
