skip to main |
skip to sidebar
Today would have been Alex's 7th birthday but my thoughts are more on the day I met our beautiful boy. A massive snow storm was heading towards Denver and the maternity ward at Rose was so full that the doctor decided to postpone my induction. Supposedly foul weather and births are highly correlated! My family was in town to throw a baby shower and I really wanted my mom and sister at the birth. So when I went to bed that Sunday night, I was very disappointed that there were no plans for me to go to the hospital the next day, since my family would be departing in the morning. Well, that all changed when a headache set in and I called the doctor. Since my blood pressure had been elevated recently, I was told to "come on in". After that it really becomes a blur. There was the hideous epidural, then the French nurse telling me to "poosh, poosh!" Then there was Alex, pointy head and all! He was absolutely beautiful and my heart grew as soon as I met him. He was healthy and happy and I had to get out of the birthing room to make way for the next mother to be. Steve bathed our boy and we all met back in a hospital room. Alex latched on easily and I knew I had found my true calling, to be a mother. It all made sense. Of course, a mother. That is what I had been waiting for, the purpose of my life, the meaning of my life, the joy of my life! I wept happy tears of anticipation for the family we had become. The massive snow storm that developed did not fail to keep my mother and sister from making it to the hospital that day. We all knew that the snow would be a significant part of the tale of Alex's birthday, too. We did not know that it would also be a part of his departure. You see, the day we said "good-bye" to our baby, it snowed as well. I remember exiting the chapel and crossing the street in a wonderful white haze. The snow was falling and as our balloons raised our prayers to the sky, we all appreciated the beauty of the moment. So on this snowy, snowy day. I think of Alex in every snowflake, absolute perfection, that allows us to stop and take some time to cuddle with our loved ones and enjoy some special moments. Alex wants us all to find our happiness and he is offering you a snowy day to reflect, bond and find peace. Happy Birthday Alex! We love and miss you more than words can say. My heart aches today, but it also knows that you are not gone, merely transformed. Thank you for being such an inspiration to me and all that know you. God bless! G
Good Morning, I was told yesterday that I am due a run of good luck. That I should go buy a lottery ticket. My response was "maybe I have won the lottery and just can't see it". I said this because I want to stop waiting for "some event" to be happy. I want to be happy with today, now, this body, this car, this job, this life! I want to honor Alex with every breath. To be the person, wife, mother - he and Zoe can be proud of. I want to know my power and use it for good. I want to feel my emotions but not succumb to them. I work towards these goals every day. Some days I feel successful and some days I don't but those days are fewer and fewer. Alex's birthday is in 2 days. I was trying to explain to Zoe what a birthday is because she did not understand how Alex could have a birthday since "he's not here". I said, "a birthday is the day you are born, the day you come out of your mommy's tummy." She asked me, "Will Alex come out of my body (remember she thinks of Alex as being in her heart)?" I said, "no". She then asked if he would come out of my body. I said "no". I think I may have confused her more than anything, but I really want her to understand as much as she can. She likes to talk about Alex and process her emotions with us. Steve wants to watch the home videos we took when Alex was with us. I don't think we have ever watched them. Unfortunately, Zoe is out of school that day and I (as well as her therapist) don't believe she should be a part of the first viewing. I am pretty sure it would be very disconcerting for her to see Steve and I so upset. So I don't really know how we will spend Wednesday. I do know there will be tears and if I can get away with it some primal screams! I would like to ask all of you who know Alex, to take a moment to remember his smile and his spirit. If he knew you, he loved you and his beauty was a reflection of the beauty inside all of us. He is your angel too and he wants you to be happy, fulfilled, complete. Just take a moment to say, "hello" to your power, wisdom and glory. Then feel the smile Alex puts in your heart. God Bless, G
Hi All,So I want to share a very special "Alex Moment" we experienced this past weekend. If you follow me on Facebook, then you know I was having a hard day-missing Alex a few weeks ago. By dinner time, I just wanted to feel warm, enveloped and eat some comfort food. As I was trying to explain this need to Steve, Macaroni Grill came to mind so we were off. Zoe decided to bring along one of two rocks Steve and I purchased on our honeymoon last year at the petrified forest. These are really cool rocks. They are shaped like eggs-white, smooth and when you hold them you can see a rainbow kinda glow from the inside of the rock. We call them our rainbow eggs and if you have followed this blog for any length of time then you know Alex's connection to rainbows.Okay so all through dinner, Z is playing with this rock and occasionally drops it on the floor of our booth. I decide to put it in the small shopping bag she was carrying it in and set it aside. We all had a very nice dinner, while reflecting on all of the past dinners we shared with Alex, friends and family at this Macaroni Grill. So when we left, I was sure the rainbow rock was with us but somehow when we got home it was not in the bag. I was very distraught but resigned myself to "it ain't nothing but a thing" mentality. But my heart ached everytime I glanced at the crystal dish that used to be home to the two rainbow rocks, that now was half empty.So last Saturday, I was working at my desk when I noticed that the crystal dish was now occupied by BOTH rainbow rocks! I was amazed and ecstatic. I showed Zoe and said to her "I bet your brother brought this rock back to us". To which, she replied " I bet Alex tiptoed out of my heart and put the rock here, then went right back in!" I enthusiastically agreed with her and we went to tell Steve. I asked him if he had put the 2nd rock in the dish and he said "no". Once again, I had the feeling that Alex was making his presence in our lives obvious to us, just in case we had forgotten that he was always with us.Well, that was my goose-flesh moment of the month. Alex's 7th birthday is coming up on the 28th and I have already started feeling the new pain this date brings. The 1st birthday after his passing seems like a haze but this one seems so solid and overwhelming, real if that makes any sense. I will never get to see his big boy smile, hear his 7 year old laugh, see my children share another birthday party. The pain is so immense. Alex is and always will be with me. I just wish I could hug him, see him and give him a sweet kiss.Okay, well it is time to get Zoe up and ready for school. Thanks for checking back with me. I hope you are well and that you can pull a favorite Alex memory out of your mind to honor our special boy.Love,G
Posts
