Saturday, January 24, 2009 - Hugs from Alex!!

This just happened and I am absolutely tingling!! Here's the background: 1) Zoe tore off the border wallpaper in her room while crying and saying "I can't take it anymore; I don't want these people staring at me!!"
2) Dad, Zoe, and Mom all spent a weekend in the smallest room in our house taking wallpaper off the walls while riding one of the most amazing emotional roller coaster rides of the year!
3) Mom makes a "storyboard" of Zoe's Room with items from Ikea's website. The total for "new ensemble" is $220; which has to be budgeted for and we had planned to ask for contributions from family for Z's birthday to complete.
3)The painting process has been done in phases over two weeks.
4)Steve and I just took a break so the 1st coat of paint could dry on 2 of Z's walls.
5)I went out to check the mail and two checks from TCH, refunding overpayments on Alex's account; have arrived totaling $192.76. They are from charges from 12/28/2006 and 9/2/07!
6)Mom starts crying because Alex is such an incredible big brother!!! He loves his sister so and I can feel his love around me and filling my soul. I swear I am glowing!! Zoe is sleeping but I can not wait to wake up and tell her! She will be so excited!! And we'll go shopping online! I also want to tell you another tidbit. I attended a school tour Friday and posted pics on a shutterfly site I recently created. As I was perusing around the site I found 15 albums of pictures I have created since Alex was an infant! I was so happy to see these pictures! Let me know if you want the link. I also used some of these pics to create a Valentine's Day card that I am so excited about! Much Love! G

January 13, 2009 - "Life is not for pussies!"

Welcome to 2009. This is the first week on my new work schedule and I must say I am loving it! This morning Zoe and I made a snowman and have gone sledding! I've attached a photo of the snowman for you to see.

I have not written lately because the holidays were pretty tough and I did not want to bring everyone down. The reality of our existence without Alex is setting in and the shock (thank God for shock) is wearing off. I know that sounds strange but it really is true. Let me just give you an example of how "reality is settling in".

Last Thursday as the Sooners were losing ANOTHER championship game, we heard Zoe crying in the nursery. I went in to find her tearing off the wallpaper border and crying "I can't take it anymore. I don't want these people staring at me when I sleep!" The border, if you have not seen it, is a color version of the blue and white toile wallpaper on the upper portion of her walls. Both depict various nursery tales such as Humpty Dumpty, Little Bo Peep, Jack and Jill, etc. Zoe had never said anything about the people staring at her but I can't tell you the last time she actually slept in the nursery. So, the next morning (after asking 10 thousand times) we went to Lowe's to get some paint. Zoe picked out a beautiful green color and the majority of our weekend was spent peeling the wallpaper that Steve put up in preparation for Alex's arrival in October 2002. This wallpaper took me an entire pregnancy to decide upon, even though it was my first choice. And we have really enjoyed the nursery's various furniture re-arrangements over the past six years. The emotional journey Steve, Zoe and I have taken over the past weekend has been very intense. Zoe has been especially discombobulated seeing the room in disrepair. She's ready to paint but the paper just got completely removed yesterday and today I have washed the walls. Next will be repairing the walls, then drying, then painting. Zoe also wants a new bed so we are trying to find something for her. Let me know if you have any nice, little girl furniture lying around. We plan to move the full size bed (converted from the crib frame) downstairs to the guest quarters. So soon the nursery will be transformed into Zoe's room! It will be a great day (and night for mom and dad) once this project is completed!

So, another reality is the fact that Steve and I will not be meeting any more of our natural born children (in this lifetime at least). The reality of my age plus the task of nurturing Zoe (and perhaps an adopted child) to adulthood means that this dream must go. I think any woman that has come to the realization that she will not have anymore children can understand the grief that surfaces.

So I have to tell you about our Valentine's Day Tree. I don't know if you remember the torment cutting down a tree (City ordered it) in our front median caused Zoe. We told Zoe the tree was sick (sometimes we even said "dead") and had to be cut down. STUPID, STUPID, STUPID!! So Zoe made the association that when something is sick/dead you get rid of it (like her brother) and she did not like that idea!!! So when it came time to take down the xmas tree, Zoe became VERY upset and begged us not to get rid of it. Nonetheless, I continued to remove decorations. While I was doing so, I commented to Steve how amazingly fresh the tree still was. We bought this tree on December 4th and the tree was still quite supple and fresh. Steve then had the brilliant idea of creating a Valentine's Day tree; so we did! I told Zoe the plan and asked her to go around the house looking for hearts or red, pink, white toys, etc. Next thing I know she has put all of her red, barrel of monkeys, monkeys on the tree! It was perfect! We pulled out some old V day cards and some other items and wah-lah a Valentine's tree! I highly recommend that everyone decorate for Valentine's day. It helps the transition from the Christmas holidays to Easter/Springtime. Just don't tell Zoe about the Valentine's day tree fairy that comes in and leaves chocolates but takes your tree!

So I'm going to post some pics for you all. Zoe has taken up photography and any pics you see of our pets have been taken by her. I love the perspective she has shared with us in her pics. It truly does reveal what the world looks like to her. I hope you enjoy the pics!

Take care of yourselves and God bless.