Hi everyone. Let's just cut to the chase. Valentine's day was a very hard day for me. Alex was present in so many ways. I missed him so much. I really wanted to buy him a Valentine's day card. I really wanted to make cupcakes with him and ZG. And I really wanted to kiss and hug him and tell him I love him. ZG and I made cupcakes and later in the afternoon we decorated them with our neighbors. Seeing Alex's best friend is hard sometimes because I am used to seeing her engage with Alex. So we made it through and now I can move on.
Zoe came home sick last Monday and once she was well, I got sick. I had a doctor's appointment Tuesday and he gave me the Z-pack for upper respiratory gunk. I'm just starting to feel a little better. Even though ZG was better, I kept her home all week. There's been a lot of illness in town and I felt it was the best choice.
Over the weekend we had a date with a wonderful couple that really know how to have fun. It was a blast and we really enjoyed our evening with grown ups!! We need to do that more often. At the end of the evening, the discussion turned serious and the following words came flowing out of my mouth.
"Alex gave us a challenge. He challenged us to find joy and live an authentic life. He challenged us to stop wishing and start doing! If you want health then go out and get health. If you want a satisfying, rewarding career then go out and get one or make one! If you want joy then go and find it and every second of every day; in every "bad thing" that happens there is joy!" I feel these words came from Alex and not me. And I really wanted to share them with you.
So I have some news!!! Steve and I are planning on taking our honeymoon. Yes, I know we have been married for seven years but it's never too late and we REALLY need it!! We hope to go to San Francisco, do the city thing then head for Napa/Sonoma areas then end the trip on the ocean at Mendicino. I am really excited about this and have decided to work out more often to really get myself in shape. I think the endorphines are starting to kick in and the pounds finally started to come off. YEAH!!
So I have to tell you all about Monday. Well instead of spending money on a dresser for our room, STeve and I decided we would take the one in the nursery and move ZG's stuff into the closet. This meant that Alex's clothes needed to be packed up. This was such a feat for me. I found myself bawling uncontrollably and smelling his clothes. I was upset because I did not want to "pack Alex away". It felt so wrong. Linda came in and saw how upset I was and suggested that I keep some of his clothes out or in a special box in the nursery. I agreed and picked out several of Alex's favorite things - Transformers, TMNT, Lightning McQueen and of course, Spiderman t-shirts. I kept one of this footie pajamas that are red and super soft and cuddly. I kept some of the clothes that we had pics of him in too. I felt better, but needless to say, I have not touched the rest of his stuff since.
Steve and I really want to move the playroom to the current dining room. I have so much anxiety about this task after Monday's experience. I would kindly like to ask for assistance. So if you are available sometime in the next week, can you please call me and perhaps help me pack up some of these toys, etc. I really need the help!
So my therapist said, "you are doing everything right." She was talking about working with Zoe to help her cope; planning a honeymoon; and working out and dieting to get the body I want. That was so validating to hear. I really felt good when she said that to me. She also told me that Alex's death was not a punishment for me. Rather it was simply a fact of life. That Alex and God had their own timetable and death is as much a part of life as is birth and living. She told me that the immortal gods of mythology always admired mortal man because they were able to value life. The Gods would live forever no matter what so this very moment had no significance. That is our blessing. Isn't that great?!
Okay, I have to go and get ready to pick up ZG. Her therapist said yesterday that she is seeing some improvement in Zoe's self worth, so that is good news.
Love you all, God bless!
G
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5 comments:
What a wonderful post. I am SO happy to hear about your planned honeymoon. You and your husband deserve it, and I know you will enjoy your time together. So glad, too, that you had some fun adult time with another couple.
I'm sorry the packing up clothes was hard. I confess I've done very little of that, but the little things - putting always-used toys away, the bike seat, everyday things we played with together - was very, very difficult.
You have such wise words and thoughts to share. Thank you for posting.
I love the quote you shared on your date night that completely embraced Alex and his spirit. I want to absorb those words of wisdom and to share them with a few close friends.
Gwen, I am not a close person to you but your journey continues to be one of strength for me. Thank you for sharing your heart and the words of your beautiful boy.
Julie Slater
Gwen
If you still need some help - give me a call darlin! I'm free Thursday afternoon for a few hours! And just so you know, your (Alex's) words struck a very deep cord in me as I'm making some very big life changes to follow my heart and my passion. I continue to derive such inspiration from you and from Alex.
Tanja
I loved your words. We all need to remember that on a daily basis!
I'm so happy to hear about the planning of your trip! What a fantastic idea, and what a beautiful part of the country. You both deserve that R&R together. We went to Napa/Sonoma as a family last year for Spring Break, and then I went back in November for a Girls' Weekend and had a blast. I'd be happy to send you a great guide book that I have if you don't have one yet. I recommend biking! It's a great way to see wine country, even after a few tastings! :-)
Hugs, Karlyn
Thinking of you and your family. Hope you are doing okay.
hugs,
Shantell
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