Monday May 26, 2008 -My First Memorial Day

Good Morning. So the weekend has been a good one so far. Zoe had a play date with a new friend. He is five years old and they were fast friends at their first meeting a few weeks ago. Zoe absolutely loves following this boy around and playing with him. He is very sweet and just great to ZG. I know it is "co-dependent" of me; but I am happy when she is happy! I think all parents like to see their child(ren) smiling! I know I do!

Saturday, we kicked butt and took names on our front yard!! Our yard has always been an eyesore and on Saturday from dawn til dusk we whipped that puppy into shape! It looks better now than it has the entire six years we have lived here. It is a pleasure now to drive by the house and to open the door to friends. Needless to say, yesterday we were utterly exhausted!

Late yesterday afternoon, we headed up to Erie to be with some dear friends up there. It was a very laid back time and just what the doctor did not order! We were so excited to have ZG asleep before nine o'clock that Steve and I took the opportunity to watch a movie "on demand".

You see, I have fallen in love with Eddie Vedder's song "Hard Sun". I found out yesterday that he wrote and performed this and all of the other original songs for the movie "Into the Wild". So Steve and I watched it last night. It is the story of a young man that travels to Alaska after his college graduation. It turned out to be a VERY intense movie. I was sure I would have nightmares due to the subject matter. I did not have nightmares but I can't get this story out of my mind this morning. I just may watch it again! You see this young man is a "lost son" and during his travels to Alaska he becomes soul-bound to two characters that have each lost a son (via different means). The lessons of karma and "oneness" is profoundly exhibited in this movie and I must say very moving.

So today is Memorial Day. We have decided to update our prayer flags in front of the house today. You might remember last year's "Pavers and Prayers" party; where friends came to the house and made pavers for the play area and prayer flags for the temple chimes. It was a great day for everyone. The prayer flags are supposed to be granted when they fly off the temple chimes. Unfortunately, I used faux twine that is obviously indestructible and the prayers are just getting torn up in the wind. So Steve, Zoe and I will be making new prayers today and attaching those to the temple chimes with real twine.

Another way we will be honoring Alex is by sponsoring a Cambodian boy named Loun through the International Childreach Program. Steve and I just made this decision about five minutes ago but already I can feel my maternal warmth rising and releasing little specks of hope and joy in my body.

I hope today is a good day for you. We have had perfect weather the last two days but today will be cooler and cloudier. I'm glad about that. It seems appropriate. I have never really honored or even thought about anyone much on Memorial Day before. It has always just been a day "off" to me. This year though, everything has changed. I hope to use this day for healing and prayer. I hope to have a few milliseconds (or more) in the moment; enjoying the beauty and preciousness of life and being. I pray you do too.

God Bless.
G

Friday, May 23, 2008 - One Day at a Time

Hi all. So Tuesday marked six months without Alex in our lives, physically. I have actually felt his presence more lately and had a vision of him the other night. I asked my therapist if I was insane and she said "most certainly"! No, she didn't but that would have been funny, huh? Actually, she said that after such a "trauma" visions are actually quite normal. With that being the case, I wish it would happen again. I do so miss our beautiful boy. Every day without him is such a struggle lately and time is not making the pain any easier to handle. If anything, I feel things are getting worse. In lieu of that and recent events, I have seriously curtailed my alcohol intake. While it makes great sense to want to medicate these horrific feelings, it ends up actually putting me in a great deal of danger. I have come to understand that alcohol, in addition to lowering your inhibitions, also lowers your "filters". You see when I drink in excess I become so depressed that I forget how much I have to live for. I talk and think about being with Alex and at times it has become pretty scary for me and Steve (and my therapist). I have also recently learned that my medications are not helping (when mixed with alcohol). It seems that the anti-anxiety medication I am on actually increases the likelihood of addiction and the effects of the alcohol (as well as seizures). So when I say scary, I mean SCARY!!!! Wish me luck, strength and peace. I need all of them.

In addition to that struggle, I have not been to exercise class since Monday. During a backward lunge on the step, I heard a loud "pop" and immediately felt pain in my left calf muscle. It was so bad I had to scoot down the stairs to get out of the gym. I did the "R.I.C.E." thing Monday and the pain is greatly decreased but I can still feel the pulled muscle. I plan on cleaning the house today as my workout!

I want to take a moment to say "Happy Birthday" to Evan Winston!!! Evan is such an incredible child and we love him sooooo very much. I can't believe it has been seven years since his birth. Happy Birthday Evan! You are VERY SPECIAL and VERY LOVED!!!!

I would also like to encourage all of you that are in the area to join our family at the Kyle O'Connell Foundation's annual Steps-n-Strides Run/Walk on June 1st. We will be walking to honor Alex along with other families that have dealt with pediatric brain cancer. You can register at www.kyleoc.org !! Hope to see you there!

Finally, I would like to ask for your prayers. A member of our family is having brain surgery today and we are all just reeling!! It seems that we just can't catch a break right now. Please pray for the doctors' steady and skilled hands; the children's peace; the patient's easy and fast recovery; and our family's "break"!! We need one!

This weekend is Memorial Day. We plan to work on the yard and play area over the holiday and try to honor Alex in a very special way. I hope you join me.

God bless!
G

PS- Make it a GREAT day!!!

Friday, May 9, 2008 - Druthers Day

So I can't tell you how hard life has been since Tuesday night. You see while I was reading Zoe her bedtime story, I realized that this is my first Mother's Day without the son that made me a mother. How can that be? Why must this be? Until last night, I was in a serious depression. I just could not imagine how I was going to live through this pain and anguish. Last night I realized that I could call upon my support system for help and that is what I did. So after three tearful talks I feel like I can do this and realize that I must. There really is no other option. Zoe is a wonderful child that I adore. Alex would never want me to give her less than my best. So to honor him, I will get up on Sunday and open the small box Zoe brought home from school today and feel her hug and soak up her love.

I wish all of the wonderful mother's I know (and the ones I don't) a spectacular Mother's Day. Please be kind to yourself and appreciate the beauty of your children (even if they are no longer children). I know Alex would want you to!

Much love and God Bless!
G

Wednesday, May 7, 2008 - Weird Space

Hi all. Zoe's birthday party was a success and if anyone wants some "death sticks" aka: mac 'n cheese on a stick; just let me know. We have tons frozen in the freezer! We also have a good portion of a keg of beer left over, even after lending it out for a neighbor's party. Needless to say, my pants are getting a bit snug! Zoe had fun but only after the party died down a little and she and a few friends headed over to the playground. I think she was overwhelmed by the amount of people. We also think there may be some real emotional baggage for Zoe related to birthday parties, since we had three bday parties to celebrate Alex turning 5 yrs old.

I know ZG misses her sweet brother. Every time she talks to her grandmother, or a departing parent, she says "you come back, okay?" We always are very reassuring that we will be back. The other day, we were in the nursery and Zoe said "Alex come back soon!" I had to reply "no honey, Alex is not coming back" and her light and bright energy changed immediately to an angry and dark mood. It was heart wrenching.

Yesterday marked 22 weeks without the most wonderful, beautiful little boy I have ever known. I miss him so much my body still aches with the pain of it. On Friday night, we decided to have some family time outside. Steve built a fire in the outdoor fireplace and the three of us sat outside. It was great and very lonely at the same time. Alex loved sitting by the fire. He loved helping his dad stoke the fire and build the fire. It was one way we could get him outside when he did not feel good (which was a task toward the end.) We have so many good times around that fireplace. It was very bittersweet. I guess that is how it will always be from now on.

I can't decide what to do with my life when I grow up. I just wish it would come to me with the energy and enthusiasm to make it a reality. I have too many interests and seem completely uninteresting at the same time. I saw so many friends at the bday party that asked "so what's up?" I really had no answer that was of any interest. How do you say, well, I'm just trying to not cry today, to not completely break down and melt into the ground today, to maintain a semblance of normality and acceptance of a life without my son. No one really wants to hear that. I have had friends call and email for lunch and I just do not have the energy to call them back. I am lonely, but don't really know how to be around others right now. It's a whole new world for me but everyone else is living the same existence with the progression of time.

I did think of a great story to share with you all. I finally found a fabulous hairdresser. We met a few years ago and I adore her. At our last appointment she told me about how Alex and I have changed her father's life. You see, he survived the death of his brother, at an early age. It was a tragic accident and was not discussed during his lifetime until she talked him into pulling out the pictures and remembering the precious brother he had. It has brought a lot of healing to this family and I have to think that Alex's spirit made it possible.

Well that is about as upbeat as I can be right now. I am going to have some hot, keg beer!! Come and join me!

Much love and God Bless,

G