Hi. The last week has been very dark for me. Remember when I talked about the black hole I was so afraid I would fall into after losing Alex? Well, I fell into it. I also started taking some new supplements and medication (to help me sleep) and after reviewing the side effects have called my doctor to let them know. I will go in this morning so perhaps this too shall pass.
The darkness felt alot like hormones but once that was ruled out and the mood continued I started to think. Have you ever not felt in control of your mood? I really did feel like something had hold of me and it would not let me "snap out of it." I have been a royal B-I-T-C-H!! I have been short and loud with Zoe and that is just NOT me!! Poor Steve and Nonni, they are just trying to get out of my way and have had to walk on eggshells around me. I keep telling them I hate this as much as you do but in 10 minutes I'm that crying, short tempered, ball of mush on the floor again. So wish me luck at the doctor's office. I REALLY need it!
God bless, hugs,
G
Monday, January 28, 2008
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Tuesday, January 22, 2008 - 7 weeks today
Hi. Life has been very difficult lately. The shock of Alex's passing is wearing off and the reality is setting in. I can cry at any given moment. Friends say "it's been seven weeks, that's nothing". Well it is something to me. It's an endless, gut-wrenching, abyss of despair that is my life without my beautiful boy. I miss him so much. I often think how easy it would be to end the pain and just be with him. (That is normal by the way.) But I know Alex would be very disappointed in me if I did that. I know he was my son for a grand, beautiful, joyous reason and I just have to push through this utter despair to get back to that place. It is just so very hard to do it without him, without his smile, without his laugh and his jokes, without his love. I thrived on that love! I was the best I could be with Alex for the first time in my life. I really just wanted to get it right for him. He forced me to change so many things that were negative in my life. He truly was a gift (and still is).
I find it hard to have more than one task on my plate per day anymore. I try to get multiple errands done but then complete exhaustion takes hold and I can't wait to get home. I have little desire to be social and the past week of cloudy, gloomy days made me feel quite comfortable. The sunshine only makes me feel like I should be doing "sunny day" things that I just don't have the energy to do. Zoe begs to go outside when she comes home from school and it is just beyond me at this time. I went to interview a counselor today and I really liked her. One of her recommendations was to get outside for a brisk walk for 10 minutes every day. I could not make myself tell her how improbable that was at this point. She also had me do three minutes of meditation on "just this moment". Her goal is to get me to "be in the moment" and be mindful of life. I told her Alex taught me how to do that but that lesson is fading as the depression creeps into my mind.
So, do you remember that my MAC crashed the day before Alex's memorial service? We found out yesterday that the data was not going to be easily recovered and today the estimate came in at $1,500 plus parts. I was devastated last night. I told Steve that I don't have Alex and now I don't even have the pictures I took of Alex over his life span. I know we will come up with this money and it will be worth it. It just seems like we can't catch a break.
To make things worse, Steve's cat, Sage passed away and was found today. Steve has had that cat for twenty years and I really thought this was going to send him over the edge. He said at dinner that if the last few weeks had not been what they were; then he probably would have taken the news harder than he is. In comparison to his son's death, Sage's passing is a piece of cake especially since they shared so many important life moments together. So the question of the day is, "WHEN WILL WE CATCH A BREAK?"
I know better than anyone that it can ALWAYS be worse and to be grateful for the blessings in life. It's just been a very long stretch of bad times for this family. Saturday was the one year anniversary of Steve's father's passing. So perhaps you can see why life has been so hard lately.
Well, now that I have brought you all down, I'm going to bed. Tomorrow is a new day and maybe just maybe getting this out of me and into the universe will offer some release to my pain and I will feel like being in the sun tomorrow.
God bless!
G
I find it hard to have more than one task on my plate per day anymore. I try to get multiple errands done but then complete exhaustion takes hold and I can't wait to get home. I have little desire to be social and the past week of cloudy, gloomy days made me feel quite comfortable. The sunshine only makes me feel like I should be doing "sunny day" things that I just don't have the energy to do. Zoe begs to go outside when she comes home from school and it is just beyond me at this time. I went to interview a counselor today and I really liked her. One of her recommendations was to get outside for a brisk walk for 10 minutes every day. I could not make myself tell her how improbable that was at this point. She also had me do three minutes of meditation on "just this moment". Her goal is to get me to "be in the moment" and be mindful of life. I told her Alex taught me how to do that but that lesson is fading as the depression creeps into my mind.
So, do you remember that my MAC crashed the day before Alex's memorial service? We found out yesterday that the data was not going to be easily recovered and today the estimate came in at $1,500 plus parts. I was devastated last night. I told Steve that I don't have Alex and now I don't even have the pictures I took of Alex over his life span. I know we will come up with this money and it will be worth it. It just seems like we can't catch a break.
To make things worse, Steve's cat, Sage passed away and was found today. Steve has had that cat for twenty years and I really thought this was going to send him over the edge. He said at dinner that if the last few weeks had not been what they were; then he probably would have taken the news harder than he is. In comparison to his son's death, Sage's passing is a piece of cake especially since they shared so many important life moments together. So the question of the day is, "WHEN WILL WE CATCH A BREAK?"
I know better than anyone that it can ALWAYS be worse and to be grateful for the blessings in life. It's just been a very long stretch of bad times for this family. Saturday was the one year anniversary of Steve's father's passing. So perhaps you can see why life has been so hard lately.
Well, now that I have brought you all down, I'm going to bed. Tomorrow is a new day and maybe just maybe getting this out of me and into the universe will offer some release to my pain and I will feel like being in the sun tomorrow.
God bless!
G
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Thursday, January 17, 2008 - Gratitude
Good morning,
I want to thank all of you who have expressed such kindness and warmth in your comments to this blog. It is absolutely amazing and really does make me think. I wrote the first paragraph of a draft of my life's story. Then I started rambling and then the doubt set in about whether any one would be interested in such a story. I hope to just get it out then let someone else make that determination. I also want to write about Alex's story and I have a few other ideas for some books I always thought I'd like to write (and read). Wish me luck, courage, clarity and conviction!!
Zoe goes to see Alex's play therapist today for the first time. I am looking forward to her having an outlet for her emotions other than growling at people. She especially likes to growl at Nonnie. I don't know if I should discipline her on this or realize that Nonnie is a safe person for her to growl at (express herself) without repercussion. We'll see!
The 1st part of this week was horrible for me. Steve and I went back on our Slim 4 Life program and had to do this "restart" on Monday and Tuesday that set me off into a piss poor mood! I'm not drinking alcohol and now that I have gone 3 days without it, it's okay but believe you me I wanted some damn wine!!! I lost 8 pounds those first 2 days and Steve lost 4 (he did not wear good "weighing in" clothes, in my opinion). So hopefully the weight will continue to come off.
My first therapist interview is next week. I really don't look forward to this but know it is a necessary evil. I'm soooo much better at stuffing feelings (and myself) than working on all of my baggage.
Okay, I really just wanted to thank everyone for everything. You can't imagine the incredible gestures of support that we get daily. It is so wonderful. This is a good world and there are very nice people in it! Thank you all for reminding me of that!
I have lunch and coffee appointments with some of Dr. Foreman's staff in the next week. I really do want to find a way to put them on a beach with absolutely nothing to do!! Wish me luck!
Okay, gotta get! God bless and hugs!
G
I want to thank all of you who have expressed such kindness and warmth in your comments to this blog. It is absolutely amazing and really does make me think. I wrote the first paragraph of a draft of my life's story. Then I started rambling and then the doubt set in about whether any one would be interested in such a story. I hope to just get it out then let someone else make that determination. I also want to write about Alex's story and I have a few other ideas for some books I always thought I'd like to write (and read). Wish me luck, courage, clarity and conviction!!
Zoe goes to see Alex's play therapist today for the first time. I am looking forward to her having an outlet for her emotions other than growling at people. She especially likes to growl at Nonnie. I don't know if I should discipline her on this or realize that Nonnie is a safe person for her to growl at (express herself) without repercussion. We'll see!
The 1st part of this week was horrible for me. Steve and I went back on our Slim 4 Life program and had to do this "restart" on Monday and Tuesday that set me off into a piss poor mood! I'm not drinking alcohol and now that I have gone 3 days without it, it's okay but believe you me I wanted some damn wine!!! I lost 8 pounds those first 2 days and Steve lost 4 (he did not wear good "weighing in" clothes, in my opinion). So hopefully the weight will continue to come off.
My first therapist interview is next week. I really don't look forward to this but know it is a necessary evil. I'm soooo much better at stuffing feelings (and myself) than working on all of my baggage.
Okay, I really just wanted to thank everyone for everything. You can't imagine the incredible gestures of support that we get daily. It is so wonderful. This is a good world and there are very nice people in it! Thank you all for reminding me of that!
I have lunch and coffee appointments with some of Dr. Foreman's staff in the next week. I really do want to find a way to put them on a beach with absolutely nothing to do!! Wish me luck!
Okay, gotta get! God bless and hugs!
G
Monday, January 14, 2008
Monday, January 14th, 2008 - Shock Fading . . .
Good Morning. The past few days have been very difficult ones for me. I believe that the shock of Alex's passing is fading and the sadness is setting in. For some reason, Friday was a horrible day for me. I spent the morning at the computer, attempting to get some order back in our lives and by 11:30am was utterly exhausted. After picking up ZG, I went to sleep and rested for quite a while. The tears come at the drop of a hat. There is no known trigger except my own thoughts. I am having a hard time fathoming living the rest of my days without him in my life. AS I said before, being a mom and being Alex's mom, is the best thing I have EVER done in my life. It brought me so much happiness and joy not to mention pride. I was one of THOSE women who loved being pregnant because I knew motherhood was going to be grand (and I never had morning sickness)! How do you go on without your joy, your happiness, your pride, your heart? I just don't know. I know Zoe brings me great joy and luckily for me her strong will does not allow me time to wallow. When she wants attention, she gets ATTENTION!!! If you have ever met ZG (or any two year old girl with a mind of her own) then you know what I mean. I love her so much. Bedtimes have been difficult the last few days. My brother-in-law was in town on business, and ZG was sleeping in our bed. We have a collage of Alex and Zoe pictures, portraits and drawings on our wall (it was the one at the memorial service). Saturday night after looking at this collage for a while, Zoe wanted to sleep on the floor (the only time ZG slept on the floor in our room was when Alex was very sick and my sister's family was in the nursery) and was very sad because she wanted "her Alex back". I echoed her sentiment and we had a soft cry together. Yesterday she talked about Alex quite a bit too and all I can do is empathize with her. Steve is also going through this new "realization process" and therefore has been emotionally exhausted after working all day. This past week we had very little communication except about "household minutia". I found out through the week that he was planning a guys' night out (normally fine) via a third party; then he started doing other little things that made me feel very lonely and unwanted. Finally by Saturday night, I was fed up and had to leave the house. I left my mobile phone and headed to the bookstore. There I purchased a journal and pen and started writing a letter to Steve. I then just wandered around the bookstore browsing and thinking and not thinking. It was really great and quite cathartic. I never knew how popular bookstores are on Saturday nights. I am pretty sure I will do that again. It was fun and I had a gift certificate so it was cheap too!! Anyway, my demeanor Saturday night and Sunday morning revealed that I was still irked and Steve wanted to talk about it. I told him about the letter and he asked to read it on his way home from the airport (to drop off Blake.) It took him several hours to return and we had a very good, poignant, honest talk when he did. Nothing is resolved yet but a plan has been put into place. So wish us luck. You see it is just too hard to be there for someone else, focus on work or child rearing and be emotionally available to a grieving spouse all in one day or as we found out in one week. This is not going to be an easy road for our marriage, but Steve and I do love each other and are at least quite willing to do everything possible to make it a marriage we both want. So last night I had this dream, at the very end of it was a woman running around like a mad person. She was caring an extraordinary large piece of luggage with stuff hanging out of all sides. I was taking care of Zoe in the dream when this woman was running around us, but a therapist once told me that some dream theorists propose that we are every person/thing in our dreams. So what does this tell you? I'm carrying around a lot of emotional baggage and feel out of control? Nail on head!!! The image in my mind is pretty comical so I have to laugh at myself and wanted to share this with you all. Well, today is the eight year anniversary of my and Steve's first communication. You see we met on match.com. I was in the first day of my free trial and he had been a member for a few months. My login was Buttercup and his was Montague. I told him about my love for Colorado (was in OKC at time) and he invited me to come play in the mountains with him! At this time I believed fairy tales and "falling in love at first sight" were rude fantasies to put in little girls' minds but after meeting Steve and spending just a few days with him; I had to shut up on that opinion! By April, I was driving to Colorado with a carload of belongings and one year later, Steve proposed (on this day) and in August we were married. We bought our home in December and Alex was born the following October. Good story huh? Since that time, we have met several couples that met over the Internet. It seems to be the way of the future! So far today is starting off okay. Wish me luck for the rest of the week. I have appointments set to start interviewing therapists next week. Love, hugs and God bless! G
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Tuesday, January 8th - 5 weeks without Alex
Today at 11:45am will mark the five weeks without Alexander in our lives, physically. I really don't know what to say about that except we still count the days and miss our precious boy so very much. Physically I am ill with "the crud" that is going around town. Mentally, I am a wreck too. I absolutely can't sleep. I went 22 hours without rest (and tried) last Friday night. Even NyQuil did not help me out two nights ago. My heart races for absolutely no reason and my mind fights the deep depression that is lurking in its corners. Feeling ill does not help this battle, I must say.
Zoe Grace is having a difficult time readjusting to her school schedule. She is like me in that she is a night owl by nature and yesterday's wake up call really threw her body into shock! She came home and slept from 6p til 7a with an hour awake during the night. During that hour she changed her pj's and pull up and talked and talked to her daddy. I was trying desperately to stay asleep.
I'm still working on the goals (not resolutions) I set for 2008. If I could only figure out what I want to "do" for the rest of my life, I know some peace would come to my mind. Does anyone know a good "career coach"? I know I want to wake up and look forward to the day and bookkeeping NEVER did that for me. I love and miss my former employer but have yet to make contact with them to explore any possibilities of my return. Steve says it is "too easy" and is encouraging me to find my "place". I don't know if he is right or wrong but I do know I don't want to fall into old patterns and lose the "moment" that Alex taught me about every day.
Okay, I better get. I feel like S&*T! The docs were booked yesterday morning by 8:35am so Linda and I will go in this morning. I need to feel better and to sleep. I also need to get this fire hazard of a Christmas tree out of my life! My sister slipped on some sunken ice on a bridge in Breck last Monday (her 10th wedding anniversary) and broke her arm at the shoulder. She was (and is) in a great deal of pain so ZG and I went to the mountains to help her out last Thursday and Friday. Then I came home sick, so my tree is still up. Gees Louise!
I hope your day is a good one, if it is not; then make it a good one (for me, please)!
Love and God bless!
G
Zoe Grace is having a difficult time readjusting to her school schedule. She is like me in that she is a night owl by nature and yesterday's wake up call really threw her body into shock! She came home and slept from 6p til 7a with an hour awake during the night. During that hour she changed her pj's and pull up and talked and talked to her daddy. I was trying desperately to stay asleep.
I'm still working on the goals (not resolutions) I set for 2008. If I could only figure out what I want to "do" for the rest of my life, I know some peace would come to my mind. Does anyone know a good "career coach"? I know I want to wake up and look forward to the day and bookkeeping NEVER did that for me. I love and miss my former employer but have yet to make contact with them to explore any possibilities of my return. Steve says it is "too easy" and is encouraging me to find my "place". I don't know if he is right or wrong but I do know I don't want to fall into old patterns and lose the "moment" that Alex taught me about every day.
Okay, I better get. I feel like S&*T! The docs were booked yesterday morning by 8:35am so Linda and I will go in this morning. I need to feel better and to sleep. I also need to get this fire hazard of a Christmas tree out of my life! My sister slipped on some sunken ice on a bridge in Breck last Monday (her 10th wedding anniversary) and broke her arm at the shoulder. She was (and is) in a great deal of pain so ZG and I went to the mountains to help her out last Thursday and Friday. Then I came home sick, so my tree is still up. Gees Louise!
I hope your day is a good one, if it is not; then make it a good one (for me, please)!
Love and God bless!
G
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
Tuesday, January 1st 2008 - New Year
Good morning. Well here we are in 2008. 2007 was quite a year. Steve is ready to slam the door and seal it shut and throw away the key. Personally, I don't feel the same way. 2007 taught me a great deal and changed me forever. I know I have to embrace this past year, learn from it and grow to be the person my soul so longs for me to be. I woke up thinking about all of this and here are some goals I have come up with so far. Please note they are not in any particular order.
- be kind and gentle to myself and others
- take a moment and be sure that I reflect and respond to the "intent" in mine and others' words and actions
- be mindful of my body's needs i.e. - good nutrition, exercise, sleep, work, play, sex, meditation and "me time"
- be generous with the love and joy Alex so easily expressed to the world (since I'm not Alex this may be a hard one, but I'll give it a shot)
- finally get IT; that we are all only perfectly imperfect and mistakes are golden learning opportunities and a necessity of life
- recognize and reject invitations to the old, destructive ways of being, thinking and living
-get in touch with God, my inner self, my purpose and my mission
-work to put Dr. Foreman and his team on a beach twiddling their thumbs because they have nothing to do!!!!!!!
-find joy in every day, laugh, laugh and then laugh some more
-build new friendships and keep existing friends close and in my life with kindness, time and generosity
-teach Zoe about the world and learn from Zoe about the world
-work with Steve to build a marriage we both need and desire
-walk my dog daily!!!
-continue to learn from Alex about love, life and purposeful living!
-let my house get messy with dishes in the sink and everything and LOVE the free time I have because I'm not cleaning it!!!
-stop using retail therapy as a coping mechanism and start be responsible about money and savings.
-get rid of stuff we don't use or need
-get this house radon tested!!!!
-Read more!
-Listen more!
-get thank you cards out to everyone that has been so generous to our family in the last 18 months!
-get into therapy that works! (or not, if I'm successful at all of the above, then I may just cure myself!!)
-Smile more!
-Get and give more hugs!!
-Be kind and gentle with myself and others (I know this is a repeat, but it is very important)!!!
I think I could go on forever with this list but let's be realistic shall we? So everyone wants to know how ZG is doing. She has not lost her spirit and spunk. She does exhibit some real anger at times and will even pinch herself if she gets very frustrated. One day she came in and said to me "Mommy, where's Alex, I lost him?" over and over. When we were leaving OKC and buying snacks for the plane, Zoe found gummy bears and wanted to buy them for Alex. All I can do when things like this happen is say, "Alex is dead." We still talk about him alot and I hope that never changes. Overall she is thriving in her new found attention and quality time with Steve and me.
Steve has been sick since we got back on Friday. I started feeling kinda puny yesterday with a sore throat and stuff but not as run down as he seems to feel. The Xmas holiday was quite hard without our precious boy there to help celebrate. Alex got me a beautiful charm bracelet with four lockets (two tear drops and two hearts) and a flying bird. I wear it everyday along with the "beads of life" necklace from TCH. Alex got his cousin, Evan, a skull cap with a glow in the dark design on it. I can't remember if the design is spider man or a skull and cross bones. I still don't know what he got his "girlfriend" Katharine, but I'm sure I'll find out soon.
Being home has been VERY difficult. Alex is in every particle of this house. Last night as Steve was looking for a lost shoe, he found some of Alex's toys and his water bottle under our bed. That kind of stuff is hard to take. It just reminds you of the hours upon hours we played this particular game with Alex and how many times we filled that water bottle and it sustained him through the night.
My heart still aches for Alex. I don't spend my days crying all the time but I do have crying episodes every day. Like right now.
Okay, live and learn and never give up! Or "Keep moving forward" as they say in "Meet the Robinsons" movie.
God bless and big hugs!
Love, G
- be kind and gentle to myself and others
- take a moment and be sure that I reflect and respond to the "intent" in mine and others' words and actions
- be mindful of my body's needs i.e. - good nutrition, exercise, sleep, work, play, sex, meditation and "me time"
- be generous with the love and joy Alex so easily expressed to the world (since I'm not Alex this may be a hard one, but I'll give it a shot)
- finally get IT; that we are all only perfectly imperfect and mistakes are golden learning opportunities and a necessity of life
- recognize and reject invitations to the old, destructive ways of being, thinking and living
-get in touch with God, my inner self, my purpose and my mission
-work to put Dr. Foreman and his team on a beach twiddling their thumbs because they have nothing to do!!!!!!!
-find joy in every day, laugh, laugh and then laugh some more
-build new friendships and keep existing friends close and in my life with kindness, time and generosity
-teach Zoe about the world and learn from Zoe about the world
-work with Steve to build a marriage we both need and desire
-walk my dog daily!!!
-continue to learn from Alex about love, life and purposeful living!
-let my house get messy with dishes in the sink and everything and LOVE the free time I have because I'm not cleaning it!!!
-stop using retail therapy as a coping mechanism and start be responsible about money and savings.
-get rid of stuff we don't use or need
-get this house radon tested!!!!
-Read more!
-Listen more!
-get thank you cards out to everyone that has been so generous to our family in the last 18 months!
-get into therapy that works! (or not, if I'm successful at all of the above, then I may just cure myself!!)
-Smile more!
-Get and give more hugs!!
-Be kind and gentle with myself and others (I know this is a repeat, but it is very important)!!!
I think I could go on forever with this list but let's be realistic shall we? So everyone wants to know how ZG is doing. She has not lost her spirit and spunk. She does exhibit some real anger at times and will even pinch herself if she gets very frustrated. One day she came in and said to me "Mommy, where's Alex, I lost him?" over and over. When we were leaving OKC and buying snacks for the plane, Zoe found gummy bears and wanted to buy them for Alex. All I can do when things like this happen is say, "Alex is dead." We still talk about him alot and I hope that never changes. Overall she is thriving in her new found attention and quality time with Steve and me.
Steve has been sick since we got back on Friday. I started feeling kinda puny yesterday with a sore throat and stuff but not as run down as he seems to feel. The Xmas holiday was quite hard without our precious boy there to help celebrate. Alex got me a beautiful charm bracelet with four lockets (two tear drops and two hearts) and a flying bird. I wear it everyday along with the "beads of life" necklace from TCH. Alex got his cousin, Evan, a skull cap with a glow in the dark design on it. I can't remember if the design is spider man or a skull and cross bones. I still don't know what he got his "girlfriend" Katharine, but I'm sure I'll find out soon.
Being home has been VERY difficult. Alex is in every particle of this house. Last night as Steve was looking for a lost shoe, he found some of Alex's toys and his water bottle under our bed. That kind of stuff is hard to take. It just reminds you of the hours upon hours we played this particular game with Alex and how many times we filled that water bottle and it sustained him through the night.
My heart still aches for Alex. I don't spend my days crying all the time but I do have crying episodes every day. Like right now.
Okay, live and learn and never give up! Or "Keep moving forward" as they say in "Meet the Robinsons" movie.
God bless and big hugs!
Love, G
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