Wednesday, July 9, 2008 - 31 weeks

Hi All. Summer is flying by for us. We just returned from a visit to my hometown. We had a great visit and Zoe really enjoyed being with her extended family! We spent most of our time at the Fat Boys Ranch near Lake Tenkiller. Lake livin' is grand! We had such a great time on the water. We were able to see fireworks from the boat. Zoe got to feed fish and float in the water. She even drove a Jeep! Of course it was her cousin's mini-Jeep but she did not care. She really enjoyed having a big boy to play with all the time. Evan also seemed to enjoy the company as well. It's visits like this one that make you want to win the lottery and buy a plane so we can be with family more often.

I had a few moments of melancholy on this trip too. My nephew has grown so much since I saw him in December. It made me wonder about Alex. What would he look like now if he had been tumor free? How great it would be to see him enjoying his family and the new experiences! When we got home, I felt like I had left him behind. I had that same experience in a dream that night and it was so horrible that I woke myself up and stayed up. Then I found a video of one of Alex's physical therapy sessions. After opening and closing it a few times, I watched the video. Alex was so sick but he's laughing and working hard. It was so great to see him move and smile and laugh. It makes my body ache to hold him though.

So about three weeks ago, I started acupuncture to help me with my constant back pain and overall "well being". The first session had a huge impact on my system. So much so that I bought a pregnancy test. Of course, the results were negative. But for the day and a half that I thought I was pregnant, I was on cloud nine. I so want to meet another one of our children. We have great children and I adore being "mother" to them. It seems to be my calling. Steve is not on the same page as I am on this topic so it is a good thing that things are back to normal. We had decided to stop all conversations for six months a few months ago. I was driving us both insane. Then Steve came to me and said that if Zoe said that she wanted a sister or brother then the discussion could be rekindled (so to speak). Well, I knew not to say anything to Zoe because Steve is way to smart for that to fly! A few weeks later, we were all watching television and I was knitting a baby blanket for our neighbors; Zoe saw a baby on tv and said "I want a baby." I then said, "Zoe what do you want?" And she repeated, "I want a baby." I then asked "Dad, did you hear that?" to which he replied, "Yes, but that does not count!"

This exact conversation happened again a few weeks ago and Steve was right there, scowling at me. I have no idea what the universe wants from me/us at this point. I just know that if it is meant to be it will be and I am not going to worry about it. I just really loved that feeling and have since tried to find it everyday. There is an author out there that talks about "having fun everyday" as one of several steps to a good life. I know that when I laugh and play, I feel so much better. Zoe and I have come up with this great way to swing together. Almost everyday since we have had our "swing date" and she just "wee"s and smiles the whole time which makes me respond in the same way. It is great! I highly recommend that each of you set aside five, ten, sixty minutes a day to just have some good ole fun. Try dancing, singing, walking like an Egyptian! It really helps change your day!

Okay, well that is a good note to leave on. I hope you are all having a wonderful summer. I hope you find a bit of joy in every day!

Much love!
G