Friday, September 19, 2008 - A Day I don't want to remember . . .

So I just had an incredible weekend in Richmond, VA with some friends I have known since elementary school all the way through college and to today. We all gathered to witness the wonderful wedding of our dear Terry and her husband, Aaron. It was all that I hoped for her and much more! Aaron is just a wonderful, kind, beautiful soul. I can't wait to get to know him as well as I know Terry (though the feasibility of that is slim.) I reveled in being with my friends of old. I feel so comfortable and real with them. Many did not know what the past two years have been for our family and were quite taken aback to find out. Yet, the leper I was not. Each one said or did (thanks Jen!) something that expressed deep sympathy and concern. This could have been a drunk fest for me. I worried about making a fool of myself for weeks until my therapist told me that I needed to "honor Alex and be the mother he respects and wants to show off to the world"! Boy! that worked!! I still imbibed but was able to remain in control and off the piano top! The fact that I was sweating buckets probably helped as well!

So while I was gone, Steve's mom, Linda sent ZG a baby. Zoe had asked for a baby in an earlier phone conversation with her Nonnie. It is a Middleton Doll that has big brown eyes and brown hair, is very realistic and resembles Alex very much. I will attach picture for you to see what I mean. Anyway, the doll seemed really spooky to me via its picture I received in Richmond. Zoe liked the doll and played with it a little bit, but I had not seen her touch it except to carry it to me when I arrived home. On Tuesday, Zoe and I had this conversation while I was preparing for a bike ride with our bike trailer (ZG and Alex used to ride in this together).

Z- Mommy, Alex sits there. He will be so excited to go on a bike ride. Let's go find him!
G-Zoe, we can't find Alex. He is an angel and does not have a body.
Z-Why?
G-Because he died.
Z-Why?
G-Because he had a bump inside his head and it grew too big and Alex could not breathe and then he died.
Z-Why?
G-I don't know why Alex had to die. I know we miss him very much and it is very sad that we don't get to see him anymore.
Z-(silence, look of great disappointment)
G- (leaves garage, too much to handle)
Z- Mommy, let's ask Nonnie to find Alex!
G-Baby, Nonnie can't find Alex.
I turn around and Z just looks like she needs a hug, so I pick her up and hold her and she holds on to me with her arms and legs as tightly as possible. And we start crying and I say "Zoe, your brother loves you very much and I don't know why he had to die. It makes me very sad that I don't get to see him anymore." Then we just held each other and cried some more. Then Z was done being held and started to push away from me, so I let her down.

Later that evening, Zoe had almost the exact same conversation about Nonnie being able to find Alex with Steve. As Steve and I were discussing this later, we realized, Nonnie had sent the WRONG baby. Zoe did not want just any baby, she wanted Alex. Just about that time, Zoe came into the house and said "Mommy Dad (both of our kids called each of us Mommy Dad(dy) come see, come see!! I made something!" So we followed Zoe outside to her sandbox which had this large well packed and defined mound that was even kinda decorated with finger lines. Steve and I oohed and ahh'ed over Zoe's mound and went inside to finish our dinner. Later Steve turns to me and says,"you know what that was in the sand box don't you?" I reply, "besides a mound?" and he says "a bump."

So take that in for a while then continue reading if you choose.

As you know, I am currently working for Kabbalah Experience. I have been given the opportunity to sit in on a Level I class, Soul, on Thursday mornings. So far I have had two classes and can tell this is going to be deep. One thing that was mentioned that I wanted to share with you is the difference between Kabbalah and Eastern (Buddhists) beliefs. In the East, an ultimate goal is to be free of all attachments so that one can be "detached" and experience God's mind. Our pain (and joy) are direct results of attachments to people or places. To hold on to these attachments prevents us from experience God. This is a very internally driven view in my mind.

On the other hand, the Kabbalists say that true understanding of God comes from being open and aware to the parallels of our existence. The physical reality is paralled /mirrored/and effected by the spiritual reality and vice versa. So to Kabbalists a great loss, like the loss of our dear Alexander, will bring connections to our lives. To experience God, we just need to be open to how and where these connections take us. Therefore, I see Kabbalah as a very externally aware practice. I am not ranking either of these points of view and I know I have done neither justice in explaining them to you here. I just wanted you to understand what I am thinking about these days.

So to end, I really want to scare you. Remember that baby doll, Nonnie sent? Remember when I said earlier that it was kind of spooky? Well the other day, I picked it up. I was planning on moving it someplace out of view. Then I held it, and it felt sooo very good. The doll has real weight to it and its bottom is shaped just like a diapered infants bottom. I started kissing it and holding it like a baby and felt joy in my heart. It was so strange (I know, I know). But it felt good. I carried the doll around for a while, on my hip, etc. Then I put it down. The next morning as I was driving Z to school, I started thinking about this doll. I just wanted to turn around and go home and get it and hold it again. So yesterday, after a very long day, and about an hour or more of trying to keep myself busy so I would not go to the doll, I went and picked it up. Again, I felt at ease and comfortable immediately. I just love hugging and patting this doll. I told my boss at the staging company about it and we agreed that if I start calling in saying I can't find child care for my doll then she can have me committed. But for the time being, we both think if it feels this good, then just do it. Steve is completely freaked out (I think) but he has not really done or said much about me carrying this baby around. We'll see how long this lasts.

Okay, there is so much more to talk about but I'm exhausted. Zoe is napping and I think I will join her!

Love to you all.

G