November 13, 2008 - Parallels

So things have been uhhh, interesting, lately. Let's start with last night. I had this intense, vivid dream where I, Gwen, (not Gwendolyn, not mom, not Mrs. Kasnoff) moved into a house with a few of my high school friends. (I have reached many friends from HS via Facebook and am loving it). Any way, a party ensued at this shared home. Rob Thomas, musician from Matchbox Twenty (who sings our song "Smooth") was hell bent on OD'ing on crystal meth. Many things happened at this party but it's true meaning came out when I told Steve about it this morning. During my description I said "I was just so upset that I was living in a house where someone had died." Read that again, just to get the full effect.

In addition to that, my subconscious is playing tricks on me. Let's just say it kept me from going someplace that I really wanted to go by creating a diversion to a similar location.

On top of all of this, we feel that taking Zoe out of school for a year might be the best thing for her. It seems pretty apparent that Z needs some attention that only a Mom (supported by Nonnie) can provide. This transition will not only benefit Zoe but me as well. You see, trying to teach someone else how to handle your child's emotional and developmental needs is more stressful than just doing it yourself (or that is what I'm thinking right now).

So Linda/Nonnie knitted a sweater for Zoe and when she finished, Zoe said "Okay, Nonnie now make Alex a sweater!" Linda agreed and my first thought was "oh no". But the next day, we spoke to Z's play therapist about the sweater and she thought it was a great idea. She said this is Zoe's way of saying "I want Alex included in my life" and that to have something tangible would be very useful to Zoe. Zoe is too young and developmentally not able to understand "angel brother". So this is her way of processing Alex's loss. As the therapist said, it offers us the opportunity to ask, "What shall we do with Alex's sweater?" and "Where will we keep Alex's sweater?" So send us all your prayers for successful trials!

So December 4 is coming too soon. I wish I could just disappear. I remember hearing it said that "you won't remember the first year." At the time I thought, "I'll never forget this, how could I?" but now that we are over eleven months into it, I think that they may be right. My mind is just too overwhelmed with emotion to recall many events of the past year. If you ask me about almost any day the year prior to Alex's passing though, I think I could give more details than you could imagine. Let's just say, I'm a different person every day with different wants, likes, dislikes, aspirations, plans, etc. I'm all over the place these days and it is a wonder I still have a head! Poor Steve!

So please forgive me if this is disjointed entry. I had to write it in several sessions through the night.

I'm exhausted. More later.

God bless.
G