Hi. Life has been very difficult lately. The shock of Alex's passing is wearing off and the reality is setting in. I can cry at any given moment. Friends say "it's been seven weeks, that's nothing". Well it is something to me. It's an endless, gut-wrenching, abyss of despair that is my life without my beautiful boy. I miss him so much. I often think how easy it would be to end the pain and just be with him. (That is normal by the way.) But I know Alex would be very disappointed in me if I did that. I know he was my son for a grand, beautiful, joyous reason and I just have to push through this utter despair to get back to that place. It is just so very hard to do it without him, without his smile, without his laugh and his jokes, without his love. I thrived on that love! I was the best I could be with Alex for the first time in my life. I really just wanted to get it right for him. He forced me to change so many things that were negative in my life. He truly was a gift (and still is).
I find it hard to have more than one task on my plate per day anymore. I try to get multiple errands done but then complete exhaustion takes hold and I can't wait to get home. I have little desire to be social and the past week of cloudy, gloomy days made me feel quite comfortable. The sunshine only makes me feel like I should be doing "sunny day" things that I just don't have the energy to do. Zoe begs to go outside when she comes home from school and it is just beyond me at this time. I went to interview a counselor today and I really liked her. One of her recommendations was to get outside for a brisk walk for 10 minutes every day. I could not make myself tell her how improbable that was at this point. She also had me do three minutes of meditation on "just this moment". Her goal is to get me to "be in the moment" and be mindful of life. I told her Alex taught me how to do that but that lesson is fading as the depression creeps into my mind.
So, do you remember that my MAC crashed the day before Alex's memorial service? We found out yesterday that the data was not going to be easily recovered and today the estimate came in at $1,500 plus parts. I was devastated last night. I told Steve that I don't have Alex and now I don't even have the pictures I took of Alex over his life span. I know we will come up with this money and it will be worth it. It just seems like we can't catch a break.
To make things worse, Steve's cat, Sage passed away and was found today. Steve has had that cat for twenty years and I really thought this was going to send him over the edge. He said at dinner that if the last few weeks had not been what they were; then he probably would have taken the news harder than he is. In comparison to his son's death, Sage's passing is a piece of cake especially since they shared so many important life moments together. So the question of the day is, "WHEN WILL WE CATCH A BREAK?"
I know better than anyone that it can ALWAYS be worse and to be grateful for the blessings in life. It's just been a very long stretch of bad times for this family. Saturday was the one year anniversary of Steve's father's passing. So perhaps you can see why life has been so hard lately.
Well, now that I have brought you all down, I'm going to bed. Tomorrow is a new day and maybe just maybe getting this out of me and into the universe will offer some release to my pain and I will feel like being in the sun tomorrow.
God bless!
G
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5 comments:
I'm sure seven weeks without Alex's presence seems like an eternity, especially since as a parent, you're used to his daily affection and physical contact.
The best thing you can do is what you're doing--talking about your feelings, and getting up each day.
It's a good sign that you found a counselor you liked, and I think the walks will be great once you can get yourself there. You can only do so much at a time, so again, be gentle with yourself.
~Annie
You never need to apologize for "honest feelings". You did not pull us down...you gave the rest of us permission to admit that we have feelings that do not always fit the "positive" mode. The good news is that this winter season will also pass at some point and new better days will begin to poke their heads up and blossom.
For today...we want you to know that you are loved...in whatever state you find yourself. That you are still our wonderful Gwen and Steve...even when you don't sound like they usually do. And that we believe in you and your inner strength that has carried you this far to help you continue this journey.
In our prayers and thoughts always....Dianne and Paul
I'm so sorry for you pain - there is nothing else that can be said as words truly can't make up for all you are enduring.
Love,
susan
You're doing just fine. You're functioning, you're taking care of Zoe, and you have some hope and understanding, too. I hope your counselor works out and that tomorrow is easier for all of you.
And I'm very sorry about Sage, too.
I went to Denver Art Museum the other day and I read this sentence in the gift store. What would you do if you knew you could not fail? I will probably do hundreds of things if I knew I could not fail.
Few days after, I read your blog and you mentioned you were thinking about writing a book and you were wondering if somebody would be interested in what you have to say. I am, for sure. But it doesn’t really matter what other people’s want to hear or read, what it is important is what you need to express and share. As a mother, I spend most of the time trying to teach Malena the meaning of sharing, it is not only to let other kids play with her toys, it’s also to try to teach her to open her heart, to share her insights, her thoughts, her feelings. That is exactly what you have been doing, teaching us the real meaning of sharing. You succeeded because when you are honest, real and wonderful as you are, the word failure is not even part of the vocabulary. Now, Gwen you can reinvent yourself, don’t hesitate to do it, because again you will not fail.
Even in overcoming Alex’s death you are not going to fail, you have fought so hard, worked so hard, exposed yourself so much that I truly believe you are closer to light that you think.
After Alex’s funeral, I was in the car with Malena (2.5 years) and she asked for Zoe and Alex. I told her “Malena next time we go to Alex and Zoe’s home, Alex is not going to be there”, she responded “Ohhhhh”. I told her “Alex is in heaven”, she asked “running?’, I said “yes, he is running in heaven”. She stayed quiet for a while and said “Mami, I want running with Alex in heaven too”.
I realized we all are going to go there, sooner or later so why to rush. There are going to be hundreds of funny things that you are still going to laugh about, thousands of hugs that you are going to receive and give that will give you strength, a lot of tears still to be dropped that will alleviate your pain, thousands of glasses of wine that are waiting for you to be drunk, (it will be a pity to waste all that wine), friends, family, one hundred arguments with Steve waiting around the corner (I have approx. +500 arguments waiting for Dean and I, so you are actually pretty lucky), sunny days, couch potatoes days, travels (what about going to Spain? No, no, no, no, you cannot miss my beautiful country and eat some of our delicious food), there is the perfect job waiting for you, the not that perfect job probably too (sorry), new adventures, traffic jams, Target!!!!!, even Aspen (now that I know that in high altitude you get more drunk I will be more careful. However, remember the interior design of the apart or the lack of it………), and wait until you meet Zoe’s first boyfriend (I don’t even want to imagine how low boys will be wearing their jeans, we will probably be able to see their knees). One day you will sit and look at every single photo and video that you have of Alex and love and gratitude will fulfill you and the light will be clearer, warmer and stronger. Pain will evaporate, very slowly but it will. Those days are about to arrive, trust me.
We love you guys
Elena, Malena and Dean
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