Today at 11:45am will mark the five weeks without Alexander in our lives, physically. I really don't know what to say about that except we still count the days and miss our precious boy so very much. Physically I am ill with "the crud" that is going around town. Mentally, I am a wreck too. I absolutely can't sleep. I went 22 hours without rest (and tried) last Friday night. Even NyQuil did not help me out two nights ago. My heart races for absolutely no reason and my mind fights the deep depression that is lurking in its corners. Feeling ill does not help this battle, I must say.
Zoe Grace is having a difficult time readjusting to her school schedule. She is like me in that she is a night owl by nature and yesterday's wake up call really threw her body into shock! She came home and slept from 6p til 7a with an hour awake during the night. During that hour she changed her pj's and pull up and talked and talked to her daddy. I was trying desperately to stay asleep.
I'm still working on the goals (not resolutions) I set for 2008. If I could only figure out what I want to "do" for the rest of my life, I know some peace would come to my mind. Does anyone know a good "career coach"? I know I want to wake up and look forward to the day and bookkeeping NEVER did that for me. I love and miss my former employer but have yet to make contact with them to explore any possibilities of my return. Steve says it is "too easy" and is encouraging me to find my "place". I don't know if he is right or wrong but I do know I don't want to fall into old patterns and lose the "moment" that Alex taught me about every day.
Okay, I better get. I feel like S&*T! The docs were booked yesterday morning by 8:35am so Linda and I will go in this morning. I need to feel better and to sleep. I also need to get this fire hazard of a Christmas tree out of my life! My sister slipped on some sunken ice on a bridge in Breck last Monday (her 10th wedding anniversary) and broke her arm at the shoulder. She was (and is) in a great deal of pain so ZG and I went to the mountains to help her out last Thursday and Friday. Then I came home sick, so my tree is still up. Gees Louise!
I hope your day is a good one, if it is not; then make it a good one (for me, please)!
Love and God bless!
G
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7 comments:
You are amazing. Through your writings I see you trying to see the bright side of life, despite the looming darkness in the shadows. Thank you for the light that is you.
hugs from a stranger
Shantell
I just read your entry and wanted to let you know that I do know of a great life coach. Her name is Lauren Still and she has her own company called Buoyant Life. Her contact information is:
Buoyant Life LLC
www.buoyantlife.com
303-668-1386
Let me know if you would like me to make any contacts for you. I would be happy to help.
Sara
Hey there Gwen,
I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you...Alex made you all a permanent part of my life. I still check your blog daily and feel touched every time I read your words.
I have the crud again too! Does this stuff ever leave? I hope those docs gave you something to help you sleep! Get better soon!
See you soon!
Heather
Gwen,
You continue to amaze and motivate me. The loss of Alex is so fresh and new yet you look towards the future with grace and strength. Your blog and your story continue to remind me of what is important and right. Thank you.
You are all, as always, in our thoughts and prayers.
Julie Slater
It was so good to spend a little time with you over the holidays. I know that it was very difficult for you...but you seemed to always keep finding ways to be helpful and cheerful...in between the tears.
We love you folks...and are very glad to see you blogging again. I look forward to hearing how you are doing...regardless of how you are coping and your perspective for that day! We still pray for the two of you every day...and make our prayers fit what you have posted.
Just a thought...Gwen you express yourself so well and have kept such a gut level account of your time with Alex...and the journey you walked. Have you thought of writing a book to encourage others on that path? You would be great at it!!!
Dianne and Paul
I continue to admire you positive nature in spite of everything else. I am sorry you have this junk-I have it too and its no fun at all.
I still think about Alex daily myself. I imagine lack of sleep doesn't help when you are trying to comprehend the pain or missing him. I hope doctors can help at least in that regard.
Let's get together when you are well. Emma is a night owl, too, so if ever you want us to watch Zoe so you and Steve can get out, let me know.
Love,
Susan
Gwen,
As stated by so many others you are incredible, and you never cease to amaze me also. I, too, am glad to see that you are blogging. I think, and hope, that it helps a bit; so that you can receive all the love and support from all of the people that love and care about you, Steve, ZG, and Alex.
I also think of him daily, as well as all of you. I agree with Dianne & Paul. When you think you can, I believe that writing a book would be good for you and anyone else who has gone through what you have. I would be glad to help.
You are in my thoughts daily.
Our love always,
Mark & Makkai
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