February 2, 2008 - Groundhog day

Hi all. So things are not as dark as they had been these days. Getting off the sleeping meds really seemed to help. I also FINALLY found a therapist I like and believe can really help me through this. I can't tell you what a relief that is!! She told me that I need to solicit friends to get me out of the house those 10 minutes each day. So if you are interested, please let me know. She also suggested that I start journaling. You see I am GREAT at holding in/pushing down/ stuffing my feelings (no wonder I carry so much extra weight, huh?). She explained that while that "survival strategy" worked in my childhood that it was doing me a great disservice these days. The weight and power of this ball of emotion in my gut has been overwhelming at times. I am so fearful of its depth and pain so I just keep it all bundled up tight inside. I have not done the journaling yet but know it will be a useful tool when I do.

She also wants me to get on a schedule. I have been trying so hard not to take on any "projects" that would divert me from my healing. She explained that this was not a good strategy either. That I need a project, preferably one that will honor Alex. I have several ideas, so we'll see where they lead.

STeve and I are really having a very, very hard time. We find ourselves needing comfort that the other person is just not able to offer. It is a very lonely feeling. We have gone out the last two Friday nights and said alot of things that needed to be said. I am hopeful that we will survive "the most divisive hardship a marriage will ever face" but if we don't; we are dedicated to giving it all we can.

Zoe is doing okay. In her last play therapy session she expressed a need for a cohesive family moving in the same direction (can you say WOW!!). She also expressed some anxiety as well as did a lot of Mom nurturing play. She is very worried about me. This stuff is just amazing. Children never cease to be awe-inspiring, do they?

So we had a girls' night out this past week. I actually had a very good time and thoroughly enjoyed my time with some incredible women! We call ourselves the "Dazzling Dames" and wear tiaras during all of our gatherings. If you have never tried wearing a tiara during your day, I highly recommend it! It really does change how you walk and feel about yourself. So go and celebrate your inner Princess! Then tell me about it, please! I am planning another event for February, so if you see a bunch of women wearing tiaras come by and say "hello". My counselor said I have to do more of this kind of thing. I told her I felt bad not spending time with ZG and Steve. She explained that right now I need to take time for myself so I can be a good wife and mother. So I guess once again, I need to call on my support system.

Steve and I have also joined the local gym. I love doing aerobic classes and am very much looking forward to having endorphines coursing through my body. Steve also found a yoga class nearby that we started last Saturday and will continue to do together for 5 more weeks. I miss yoga but left the first class in a horrible mood. The instructor really pissed me off somehow and I was just plain old MAD! Luckily, she was not going to be our instructor for the remaining sessions. I have NEVER left yoga in anything resembling a sour mood, so this really threw me for a loop. Nevertheless, I am going back in an hour and very hopeful that I will leave in a better mood!!

Okay, well that is the update. The tears are still there every day. At least now I can start to imagine that one day I will be able to anticipate joy in my life. That is HUGE!!!

God bless!

G