Good Morning. So much has happened and I have meant to write to you all but life is busy. So far the gym membership is being used but the pounds are not coming off. I guess that is to be expected? I heard about this cardiofree diet/exercise program and if this continues I may just move on to that. All of these classes make me hungry and since it is still pretty new I am not getting those much loved endorphins yet!!! That usually takes me at least 2 weeks. So I'll hang with this for a while.
Besides that the new med levels are doing there job and I can function these days. I may have to stop drinking though (note the non-committal "may")!! I have always been super sensitive to my drinking since my father abused alcohol. I was feeling pretty cocky since I had attended a couple of events and handled the alcohol very well. This past Saturday though, I went to one of those "slumber parties" for women only. You know the kind, with all of the "fun" toys, lotions and potions. Well I did not eat before going and just kept pouring myself more and more wine. Needless to say, I remember bawling during my ordering session and then pretty much everything else is a blur. I did not drive, for the record. I woke up in the middle of the night with all of my clothes on and Steve was very perturbed with me. Luckily I had drank alot of water during my wine glasses so the hang over wasn't too bad. It just made me think. If I am blacking out and stumbling drunk then there is definitely some alcohol abuse going on here. I really don't know what to do about this. I think I will just bring it up in the next counseling session. If you were with me Saturday night, I apologize profusely for my behavior. As a forty-something adult, I should be better at this than I am currently. Please forgive me.
So about a week ago, Zoe's teacher called a PT conference. She told us Zoe was not doing well in the classroom. She indicated that Zoe was disconnected and uncommunicative in the class. She also was not engaging the older children (as is desired) rather she was working more with the younger kids. I could not believe my ears. I remember during the summer, Zoe's teacher telling me "Zoe is bound for greatness, she just won't accept anything else!" So our very talkative, engaged daughter was a different child away from us. We knew she could be shy, but not to this extent. ZG's play therapist said it sounded like ZG was "fear based" in the classroom and that she just needed to be held close then encouraged to explore and engage. I can't tell you how upsetting this is to me. Personally, I think she does not want to engage with the older children because the last time she became attached to an older child (her brother) he disappeared and that is very sad to her.
Steve and I are thinking about redoing the arrangement of the house. Reducing the clutter in the play room and switching it with the dining room. This way ZG will be in the same part of the house as we are in most often and more contact will be likely. We also have to reduce her TV watching. You see when Alex was sick, they watched alot of TV together. Alex could not run and play so this was a shared activity for them. Also, towards the end of Alex's life, most of our attention was "used up" by his care. Fortunately, our dear friends and family made a concerted effort to help out with ZG. Nevertheless, she did spend alot of time in front of the TV. So that will be changing soon.
Okay, I just wanted to put these things out there. I will write soon, but until then please take the time to tell the ones you love how you feel! Tomorrow is a great opportunity to do so!
Love and hugs! God bless!
G
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5 comments:
Let's talk and see a movie. You were great when I saw you Saturday night, and you have absolutely no need to apologize. You remain a good role model with your positive attitude.
LOVE, Susan
I am still amazed by your spirit and determination. Thank you for continuing to share with us, as i think of your family daily and like to know you are doing. honestly, for what you've been through, I can only admire the outcome of your struggles. Oh, yeah, and don't be too hard on yourself about the wine...we've all been there!
love,
joy
Gwen,
It is a positive step that you are aware of what is going on with Zoe at school. You have a good theory about why she doesn't engage with older children, and I'm sure that with time she will be able to build back that trust and have the confidence to form relationships again.
I hope you enjoyed today's beautiful weather in anticipation of tomorrow's snow!
~Annie
Dearest Gwen.
Given what you have experienced during the last year-and-a-half, I think that you are way overdue for a night of inebriation! You didn't drive in that condition, and that's something safe that you did for yourself and for others. Please, please go easy on yourself. One night of more than a few drinks does not make you an abuser of alcohol.
Regarding Zoe, she, too, is going through a tough time, which you already know. With your and Steve's continued love and support, and continued therapy, I know in my heart that she will be fine mentally and emotionally. She needs time, too, to adjust to a new life where dear, sweet Alex is no longer a physical presence in her life the way that he once was.
Gwen, you are so awesome, and so together emotionally and mentally than you currently give yourself credit for being. Give yourself time, too, and always be kind to yourself. Alex would not want anything less than that for you!
Sending you a big Valentine's day hug....you are amazing and I think of you all the time.
J. Clark
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