Tuesday, April 29, 2008 - 21 weeks today

Hi all, today marks the end of 21 weeks without Alexander. I have to say the days since my last post have been quite trying for me. Last Tuesday I got hit with a triple whammy. It was the five month anniversary of Alex's passing; I met with my personal therapist and attended the hospital's parent support group. At the group, we shared the video our neighbor made for Alex's Memorial Service. I had seen it a few days prior, for the first time since the service, but it was Steve's first time to see it since then. Watching this wonderful video of our beautiful boy over his five years was excruciating for me. It makes my skin ache to hold and touch him. I know it was hard for Steve as well. He did not speak at all during the session.

After Linda left, my body immediately fell ill. I was knocked out by a bad cold, sinus infection etc. When I started to feel better, Steve and I worked in the yard the entire weekend. We have started a "rainbow garden" for Alex. As a result of all of the hard work done in the yard, come Monday, I threw out my back buckling ZG into her carseat. So I was down and out for about 2 days, then very tentative with all other activities up until yesterday. I finally got back to my workouts yesterday morning after two weeks. It felt good even though it did almost kill me.

So last Thursday, I had a job interview with three Realtors in the neighborhood. They were looking to hire an assistant. I just found out a couple of hours ago, that they chose someone else for the job. I was a Realtor, when Steve met me, and I loved helping others find their homes. It was a dream job for me. I knew, when I moved, that I did not have the contacts nor the knowledge of the area to become a Realtor here (besides the competition is fierce and the market well-saturated). The assistant job was full-time and I did have some anxiety about the time commitment but really started getting excited about the prospect. So now that I know I did not get this one, I think I will try something else. I have always wanted to start a "home staging" career. You know, making a home appealing to buyers via design. Well, if I can stay on this up swing, I want to put together a brochure, print up some biz cards and start working the market. I love interior design and ,while I don't have a degree, I do have some skill and I feel I could do a great job. So send me some good mojo and the energy to make it happen!!

Another thing that is helping me get out of the funk of the past few weeks is Zoe's bday. Zoe will have her birthday over the weekend and I love throwing parties. So I now have a project that is helping me keep busy and focus on the positive. I just hope the weather holds out for us. It is supposed to snow this Thursday and Friday! I know I am ready for the warmer, Spring like temps of the season!

I also want to thank our friends that have opened their homes and hearts to us over the weekend. You may not know it, but spending time with your families, has really made a huge difference to my emotional state. So thank you!! It was great seeing Zoe play with her new and old friends, and laugh, and be happy. I know she misses her brother so much, and feels very lonely at times; so it is great when she can socialize with other kids. And even better, when Steve and I can have fun too!

Okay, well tonight is the 8th out of 9 parent support group sessions. I really, really don't enjoy these sessions. You see, while I am learning something about grief, I endure hearing about some truly horrific tragedies of the other parents. The only reason I continue to go is because I want to support these mothers (and one father). I truly do care about them and their families. I also get to hear Steve's side of the story and his struggles/opinions during these groups. But, all that said, I won't miss them when they are gone (the sessions, that is, not the people).

Okay, well, I should end this. I want you all to know that your comments really help me through my days. Please keep them coming. Somehow knowing that I am not alone and that our experience is shared with persons, known and unknown, keeps me going. I think of you all often.

God bless,
Love,
G

Friday, April 18, 2008 - New, New Normal

Hi Everyone,

So since Tuesday, Steve, Zoe and I have embarked on another, new, "new normal". For the first time in our lives, we are living as a threesome. I have to say it seems quite strange and very uncomfortable to me. Alex's presence is here but at the same time it is NOT here and we all miss him very, very much.

Yesterday, Steve was asked to speak to his fellow co-workers. His company will be preparing 24,000 gift bags for kids with cancer this year. Steve talked about the first time we received a gift. It was when Alex had just had the brain biopsy and he was in Intensive Care. I will never forget it. I was holding Alex in the rocking chair and the ICU nurse brought in this green piece of luggage resembling a turtle. Inside it were books, games, toys, bubbles, voice recorder and small DVD player. It was an amazing gift. I remember I felt so relieved that someone was thinking of us that knew what we needed even before we knew. I felt that we were not alone in this ordeal and that there is hope. This wonderful gift came from the Gabby Krause Foundation and you can read about Gabby at www.gabbykrausefoundation.org. So it is my wish that each of the 24, 000 gift bags that will be handed out have a similar impact on the children and families receiving them.

So I wanted to tell you all about "thawing". Thawing is a term a father who had lost his child, came up with to describe the grieving process. Until you go through a loss like this it is almost impossible to know what the experience is like. Thawing refers to the process of melting away sadness, despair, and sorrow so that you can get through a certain time period (varies constantly) feeling okay, like you can get out of bed. Then you realize that while you were thawing another layer of your sorrow has reached the surface and you are back in the pits again. Utter despair, angst and sadness consume you. You don't want to move, to talk, to eat, to drink, to breath. But you do and eventually, with help from family, friends, counselors, children, you find yourself back in the "thawing" experience. Unfortunately, you never know how long this will last, so you do your best to enjoy the time and to honor your child while you can. I think we all know our deceased children would never wish us to be in pain and sorrow. Children are all about love and joy and laughter and BUBBLES!!! Bubbles of wisdom that we have forgotten and have to relearn.

So I hope that helps you get some what of an understanding of what this confusing, ever-changing grieving process is like (for me, at least). It truly sucks and I don't recommend it to anyone! So, go enjoy your day. Be in this moment right here, right now. Listen to the far off birds sing their song, the squirrels scampering in the tree limbs, the wind talking through the leaves. This is all that really matters. You, Now, Here!!

God bless,
G

Tuesday, April 15, 2008 - 19 weeks without Alex

Hi everyone. This is going to be a downer post so continue reading at your own risk. I'm quite sick and I think it is just from all of the stress/hell I have been through these last few weeks. The past weekend has been a real roller coaster for me as well. You see, Alex and Zoe's school, gave us tickets (thanks to Ms. Grace for asking and everyone involved in that decision) to the annual fundraising event which was a silent auction and casino night combined. We had not planned on going since we had blown our "wad" on the honeymoon. But when I told Steve about getting the free tickets he said he would go. Then on Saturday afternoon, his tune changed and he ended up asking me "why do you want to go so badly?" I thought about it and replied, "Have you noticed how quiet the phone is these days? The only person that called me this week was you and that was yesterday. I miss our friends. I really want to go to see our friends and reconnect with the school. They have been a wonderful source of support for us." With that said, and the tears in my eyes, he conceded to go.

The night was a huge success for both of us too. Steve did very well at the Black Jack tables and I had a lot of laughs with some dear friends old and new. The only problem was that I wore these high (did I say HIGH) heeled shoes and could not find a seat all night. My feet still hurt! After the party, we tried to hook up with our friends, but could not find them and ended up having an incredible dinner at Il Posto. If you have a special occassion and like authentic, fresh Italian food, please consider this place. It is just too good and the staff is very friendly and fun!!

Okay, so you are thinking, she's got sore feet what is so wrong with that, right? Well then came Sunday. On Sunday, I visited hell in the form of a Memorial Service at The Childrens' Hospital. Again, Steve tried to talk me out of going, but I refused (I should have listened this time). So Linda and I went. OMG, torture!!! Absolute TORTURE!!! There were so many families and so many beautiful children that are no longer a part of this reality. As soon as I sat down, I noticed a mom next to me crying and the service had not even started. Then I started looking at the program and reading the words to the poems and songs. AUGHHHH!! I started crying. When the slide show started, Alex's picture was the first one and that was it for me. Stick a poke in me I'm done!! (I know it is "poke a stick in me, I'm done," btw.) Then the mom with her little girl (about 4 or so) saw their baby and the little girl said "there's (name of child)" and the mom acknowledged her as she was weeping. Then the little girl began wailing. Wailing with such pain and sorrow. My heart was breaking all over again, because I wanted to wail right there with her. Her mom carried her out and the wailing continued for a while.

So at some point during the service, they gave the moms a rose and a glass votive holder with a flameless votive in it. All the time I 'm watching these parents come up and get their "prizes" I'm thinking, "so your child dies and you get a flower and a candle, RAW F'ing DEAL!!!" I really wanted to run out and just go but instead we stayed until the end, ate some cake and talked to a parent from the support group. I also got a balloon for Zoe and a glitter wand too. Then we headed home.

When we got home, Steve and Linda started preparing dinner for the evening. We were having some neighbors over to say "good bye" to Linda. Again, it was a fabulous time, but my experience was blackened by the hell of the afternoon. So I drank some wine, listened to the chit chat and did the dishes. Steve built a nice fire in our outdoor fireplace and the fun continued outside. Zoe would not sleep so she ended up outside as well. One funny thing about that- when Zoe saw the moon she said "moon, mommy, moon!" I said, "yes, la bella luna" and she said (for the rest of the night) "that's not a balloon, that's the moon, mommy!" You get it? "la bella luna" sounds like "balloon". Anyway, it was cute.

Then comes Monday!!! Oh geez! Due to our computer crashes, etc. we were only able to get our accounting system up and running on Saturday, thanks to Steve's diligent work. So Monday, I got to enter in every bank transaction for the year 2007. Well, if that was not like walking down memory lane!!! Again, torture. Every McDonald's Happy Meal we got after chemo; every Snooze brunch, every purchase on the Make A Wish trip, every meal at the Red Wagon Grill ( hospital's cafeteria) was relived. I was completely drained by the end of the day. I sat at this computer for over 8 hours yesterday.

Then to top it all off, Linda left this morning. She is going to be missed so much! Toby (her dog) not so much, but he is part of the package and we love him. Roxie is scouring the house trying to find her friend!!! So you can see why my body has decided to let illness take me down, can't you?

Just to polish this off. I want to share a reading from the service. It actually made an impact on me and I want to share it. So here goes!

To Honor You
By Connie Kiefer Boyd

To honor you, I get up everyday and take a breath.
And start another day without you in it.

To honor you, I laugh and love with those who knew your smile and the way your eyes twinkled with mischief and secret knowledge.

To honor you, I take the time to appreciate everyone I love. I know now there is no gaurantee of days or hours spent in their presence.

To honor you, I take chances, say what I feel, hold nothing back, risk making a fool of myself, dance every dance.

You were my light, my heart, my gift of love, from the very highest source. So everyday, I vow to make a difference, share a smile, live, laugh, and love.

Now I live for us both, so all I do, I do to honor you.

God bless!
G

PS- The first pic was taken the Friday before Alex passed at the Make A Wish Holiday Store/Party at TCH. The second and third pics are from Thanksgiving last year and the last one was taken over two weekends ago.

Friday April 4, 2008 - Vacation details

Hi everyone! Well we survived our Honeymoon! It was absolutely FANTASTIC!! The hotel that we stayed at in Mendocino (actually little river) was the location for the movie "Same Time Next Year" with Alan Alda and Ellen Burstyn. I have wonderful memories of watching this movie with my mom during my childhood and it truly is one of my favorites. If you have not seen it and are in the mood for a romantic comedy/drama I highly recommend it!!

After Mendocino, Steve drove me to San Francisco to meet my sister and he headed back North to his college fraternity's charter dinner/weekend. My sister and I had a fabulous time in the big city and we realized the first night that while we have been in the same room over the past 18 months; we rarely had any time to be sisters. It was great to reconnect in such a wonderful spot. We stayed at a nice, European hotel in downtown and on Saturday we went to the Japanese Tea Garden. I have such Spring Fever right now. Everything was so lush and green, as you can see by the pictures I have attached.

Zoe and Linda had a great time and Zoe was okay with our absence until we called and reminded her that we were not there. I have to say though, it was wonderful to come home to her and get the biggest, longest hug ever! She even looks taller and her hair is definitely longer! Somewhere over the break, she started this faux crying thing that is just pathetic and actually kinda funny. She pulls it out over the littlest thing and it just seems so strange to see her like that. So I guess the trip did have some effect on her. Overall, I know she had a great time with all of her friends that made it over and set up play dates with her.

Our next challenge is Linda's departure. After six months she has decided it is time to return to her home. We will miss her so much! She plans on returning later in the year but in the mean time she will be missed!

So I want to tell you about the little, green Buddha in the pictures. Do you remember (did I write about) the Buddhist Monk, Eric that came by the house a while back? Well, after talking to Steve and I, Eric came in to meet Alex. At that encounter, he gave Alex that little Buddha. Alex really was not that impressed with the little Buddha since it did not resemble Spider Man at all, but I made sure we kept it around. Ever since Alex passed, I carry that Buddha with me. It dawned on me at the Japanese Tea Garden to actually put it in some pictures since I saw Alex in every beautiful flower and green grove. So I hope you enjoy the pictures. I just may have to travel the world's botanic gardens and publish a book some day!!

Next time, I want to tell you all about the parent support group "Colors of Healing" that we started a while back at Children's Hospital. Right now is not the time, but I will tell you all later.

I hope your Spring is bringing much beauty to you! God bless!

Love, G