Wednesday, May 7, 2008 - Weird Space

Hi all. Zoe's birthday party was a success and if anyone wants some "death sticks" aka: mac 'n cheese on a stick; just let me know. We have tons frozen in the freezer! We also have a good portion of a keg of beer left over, even after lending it out for a neighbor's party. Needless to say, my pants are getting a bit snug! Zoe had fun but only after the party died down a little and she and a few friends headed over to the playground. I think she was overwhelmed by the amount of people. We also think there may be some real emotional baggage for Zoe related to birthday parties, since we had three bday parties to celebrate Alex turning 5 yrs old.

I know ZG misses her sweet brother. Every time she talks to her grandmother, or a departing parent, she says "you come back, okay?" We always are very reassuring that we will be back. The other day, we were in the nursery and Zoe said "Alex come back soon!" I had to reply "no honey, Alex is not coming back" and her light and bright energy changed immediately to an angry and dark mood. It was heart wrenching.

Yesterday marked 22 weeks without the most wonderful, beautiful little boy I have ever known. I miss him so much my body still aches with the pain of it. On Friday night, we decided to have some family time outside. Steve built a fire in the outdoor fireplace and the three of us sat outside. It was great and very lonely at the same time. Alex loved sitting by the fire. He loved helping his dad stoke the fire and build the fire. It was one way we could get him outside when he did not feel good (which was a task toward the end.) We have so many good times around that fireplace. It was very bittersweet. I guess that is how it will always be from now on.

I can't decide what to do with my life when I grow up. I just wish it would come to me with the energy and enthusiasm to make it a reality. I have too many interests and seem completely uninteresting at the same time. I saw so many friends at the bday party that asked "so what's up?" I really had no answer that was of any interest. How do you say, well, I'm just trying to not cry today, to not completely break down and melt into the ground today, to maintain a semblance of normality and acceptance of a life without my son. No one really wants to hear that. I have had friends call and email for lunch and I just do not have the energy to call them back. I am lonely, but don't really know how to be around others right now. It's a whole new world for me but everyone else is living the same existence with the progression of time.

I did think of a great story to share with you all. I finally found a fabulous hairdresser. We met a few years ago and I adore her. At our last appointment she told me about how Alex and I have changed her father's life. You see, he survived the death of his brother, at an early age. It was a tragic accident and was not discussed during his lifetime until she talked him into pulling out the pictures and remembering the precious brother he had. It has brought a lot of healing to this family and I have to think that Alex's spirit made it possible.

Well that is about as upbeat as I can be right now. I am going to have some hot, keg beer!! Come and join me!

Much love and God Bless,

G