July 25, 2008 - The Circle of Life

Good Morning All. I am writing to you from a place of peace and tranquility. Life has worked some incredible miracles for me recently and I am so excited to share them with you. First of all, a dear friend and wife to one of Alex's best friends has organized an incredible group of women to participate in the East Boulder Relay for Life benefiting the American Cancer Society. I have been invited to be a member of the "Sleepless Beauties" team and next Friday night we will walk to honor Alex, the organizer's mother (who is a cancer survivor) and another member's husband who is winning the fight against breast cancer. There is just too much cancer in this world and I am honored to participate in this event. Thea (the organizer) unbeknownst to me or Steve asked all their guest at her husband's birthday party to purchase (and decorate) a luminaria to honor Alex at this event. If you would like to purchase a luminaria to honor Alex or someone you know and love please go to www.eastboulderrelay.com . They are $10 each and will light our path as we walk through the night next Friday.

Next I want to tell you about our last camping trip. I was so excited to have three other families join us for camping at Mount Princeton last weekend. While I had a blast, the best time was watching Zoe following her friends in the adventures of camping. She was so proud of herself for climbing on the rocks, jumping off rocks, walking over narrow bridges (which I could not do), and wading in the creek. She hiked with us and was always saying "Look at me! Look at me!" when she tried something new. It made my heart sing to see her so joyful. She really loved being around all of her friends.

One family had a son named Alex. When I told Zoe the list of kids that were going to be there and came to "Alex"; her face lit up and she was so excited! "Alex is going camping with us!!!" I knew I had to do some quick damage control and said "no, baby, not our Alex, Jackson's Alex". She took my words in and became very quiet and walked away. She never mentioned it again. It was strange to be calling Alex's name again and when I asked Steve what he thought about saying his name he said "it felt good to speak his name again". When he said that I realized he was right! Can you believe that just speaking his name could bring joy?

So last week I started a part time gig with Red House Staging. I will be doing the administrative and bookkeeping work for this home staging company that operates out of Washington DC. The owner, Lyric, is awesome and about to deliver her second child in early August. So far this week we have been able to set up her accounting and I even got an old debt collected for her. She and I should make a great team!

On Friday, I also accepted an administrator position with the Kabbalah Experience. This is a religious studies, non denominational, non profit. It is a small organization and my work will be as their "face" or administrator. I have to tell you this story. So on Tuesday, I was speaking to my therapist and she started talking about "compassion for self, so one can be compassionate to others" as a difficult concept for most humans to comprehend let alone accomplish. I was confused and asked, "But don't you think I am compassionate?" She said something to the effect that "while I am compassionate to others; I do not honor myself as worthy and deserving of compassion so that compassion is limited". I still don't get it, but anyway the night before the interview I asked Steve to tell my about Kabbalah and Jewish Mysticism. He asked me to look it up on wikipedia then come back to him. So I did. While I was reading I came across this:

"Righteous" humans (Tzadikim) ascend these ethical qualities of the Ten Sefirot by doing righteous actions. If there were no "Righteous" humans, the blessings of God would become completely hidden, and creation would cease to exist. While real human actions are the "Foundation" (Yesod) of this universe (Malchut), these actions must accompany the conscious intention of compassion. Compassionate actions are often impossible without "Faith" (Emunah), meaning to trust that God always supports compassionate actions even when God seems hidden. Ultimately, it is necessary to show compassion toward oneself too in order to share compassion toward others. This "selfish" enjoyment of God's blessings but only if in order to empower oneself to assist others, is an important aspect of "Restriction", and is considered a kind of golden mean in Kabbalah, corresponding to the Sefirah of "Adornment" (Tiferet) being part of the "Middle Column".

This was the day after my therapy session and I started to see myself as a thread being woven into a grand fabric. The next day the interview went very well and yesterday I got the call that they want me and are very excited to begin working with me. Last night I asked Steve "don't you think it is interesting that in one week I got two jobs?" He responded, "Yes and not just any two jobs but jobs that meet all of your expectations and needs." We continued talking and it came out that both my desire to be a part of a creative environment and a spiritual one has been fulfilled! Do you see this? I am now headed down a path of creativity, individuality, spirituality, learning, and self growth. On the Kabbalah Experience's website their header reads "Reflecting the Authentic Self". In the interview, they said that I would be assisting people to improve and enhance their lives. That this organization's goal is to actually help change the world (or people in it) into self-actualized human beings. I am so jazzed about this! And I get tingly and almost creeped out when I realize that this is really all a part of my soul's journey. Can you say, WOW!!!

Okay, so I also want to share with you an experience I had last week. Zoe was outside and she was asked "to help daddy with the hose". When she completed this task, I said "Zoe that was so good, you are such a good helper!" She kinda stopped and thought about my words and then said "thank you mommy", and came and gave me a huge hug and said "I love you". When she paused I swear I saw every cell of her being swell while absorbing the praise she had been given. At dinner I told Steve about my observation and then said "you know instead of taking in and absorbing praise, I deflect it. But criticise me or even say something that I can construe into criticism and I take that in deep to the soul level". He acknowledged that I was correct and that it was a "learned technique". Then I said, "I want to learn by Zoe's example, how to take in the praise and let the criticism drop." It is so grand to have Zoe as a teacher in these lessons. I hope you are able to learn from the children in your lives as well. They have so much to teach us!

So the night before my therapy session, I was putting ZG to bed and my eyes locked on Alex's leg braces in the shoe organizer. I had such a strong desire to go and hold those braces. I had to fight this impulse because I knew it would upset Zoe who was on the verge of sleep. I had planned to take them to my counseling session but had to rush out the door. So next week, I plan to take some of Alex's clothes and definitely those braces and just hold them for the first time in a long time. I know I need to do that. I'll let you know how it turns out.

Okay, that's everything, I think. I will keep you updated!

Much love to you and yours!
God bless!
G