Welcome to 2009. This is the first week on my new work schedule and I must say I am loving it! This morning Zoe and I made a snowman and have gone sledding! I've attached a photo of the snowman for you to see.
I have not written lately because the holidays were pretty tough and I did not want to bring everyone down. The reality of our existence without Alex is setting in and the shock (thank God for shock) is wearing off. I know that sounds strange but it really is true. Let me just give you an example of how "reality is settling in".
Last Thursday as the Sooners were losing ANOTHER championship game, we heard Zoe crying in the nursery. I went in to find her tearing off the wallpaper border and crying "I can't take it anymore. I don't want these people staring at me when I sleep!" The border, if you have not seen it, is a color version of the blue and white toile wallpaper on the upper portion of her walls. Both depict various nursery tales such as Humpty Dumpty, Little Bo Peep, Jack and Jill, etc. Zoe had never said anything about the people staring at her but I can't tell you the last time she actually slept in the nursery. So, the next morning (after asking 10 thousand times) we went to Lowe's to get some paint. Zoe picked out a beautiful green color and the majority of our weekend was spent peeling the wallpaper that Steve put up in preparation for Alex's arrival in October 2002. This wallpaper took me an entire pregnancy to decide upon, even though it was my first choice. And we have really enjoyed the nursery's various furniture re-arrangements over the past six years. The emotional journey Steve, Zoe and I have taken over the past weekend has been very intense. Zoe has been especially discombobulated seeing the room in disrepair. She's ready to paint but the paper just got completely removed yesterday and today I have washed the walls. Next will be repairing the walls, then drying, then painting. Zoe also wants a new bed so we are trying to find something for her. Let me know if you have any nice, little girl furniture lying around. We plan to move the full size bed (converted from the crib frame) downstairs to the guest quarters. So soon the nursery will be transformed into Zoe's room! It will be a great day (and night for mom and dad) once this project is completed!
So, another reality is the fact that Steve and I will not be meeting any more of our natural born children (in this lifetime at least). The reality of my age plus the task of nurturing Zoe (and perhaps an adopted child) to adulthood means that this dream must go. I think any woman that has come to the realization that she will not have anymore children can understand the grief that surfaces.
So I have to tell you about our Valentine's Day Tree. I don't know if you remember the torment cutting down a tree (City ordered it) in our front median caused Zoe. We told Zoe the tree was sick (sometimes we even said "dead") and had to be cut down. STUPID, STUPID, STUPID!! So Zoe made the association that when something is sick/dead you get rid of it (like her brother) and she did not like that idea!!! So when it came time to take down the xmas tree, Zoe became VERY upset and begged us not to get rid of it. Nonetheless, I continued to remove decorations. While I was doing so, I commented to Steve how amazingly fresh the tree still was. We bought this tree on December 4th and the tree was still quite supple and fresh. Steve then had the brilliant idea of creating a Valentine's Day tree; so we did! I told Zoe the plan and asked her to go around the house looking for hearts or red, pink, white toys, etc. Next thing I know she has put all of her red, barrel of monkeys, monkeys on the tree! It was perfect! We pulled out some old V day cards and some other items and wah-lah a Valentine's tree! I highly recommend that everyone decorate for Valentine's day. It helps the transition from the Christmas holidays to Easter/Springtime. Just don't tell Zoe about the Valentine's day tree fairy that comes in and leaves chocolates but takes your tree!
So I'm going to post some pics for you all. Zoe has taken up photography and any pics you see of our pets have been taken by her. I love the perspective she has shared with us in her pics. It truly does reveal what the world looks like to her. I hope you enjoy the pics!
Take care of yourselves and God bless.
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5 comments:
I loved that picture of Roxie, and it wasn't until the end that I read Zoe took it. Giving a camera to a child is a great way to glimpse how they see the world.
I also have been mourning the fact that I will not have any more children. Even though three is plenty, it is still difficult to accept the fact that this amazing period of my life is over! Adoption would be amazing as well, and I can put you in touch with some good friends who have one biological child and then adopted one, if and when you are thinking more about that journey.
I adore the picture of the dog. What an expression! I hope you don't mind, I'm going to cut and paste it and send it onto my in-laws. They made a donation to the oncology department you listed in Alex's name this Christmas, as we all keep your family in our prayers.
First, I think we all agree that you have a little photographer on your hands! As an artist, I have to say that's a darn good picture! Second...I love the valentines tree! One year my mom was so into our tree, that not only did we have a valentines tree, but she had it up for easter and we decorated it with eggs! Now, our tree was fake, so it could last forever... But, that is a fun memory I will always have. Great thinking! Zoe will likely always want a Valentines tree!
Sorry I am so lame about walking 20 feet to come visit! I pretty much feel like a morning sick pile of yuck, and my bed seems to have become my new best friend! You all are always welcome to come over!
Thinking of you!
Heather
I love the pictures and enjoyed hearing the latest happenings We miss seeing you at the school...
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