Good morning. Well here we are in 2008. 2007 was quite a year. Steve is ready to slam the door and seal it shut and throw away the key. Personally, I don't feel the same way. 2007 taught me a great deal and changed me forever. I know I have to embrace this past year, learn from it and grow to be the person my soul so longs for me to be. I woke up thinking about all of this and here are some goals I have come up with so far. Please note they are not in any particular order.
- be kind and gentle to myself and others
- take a moment and be sure that I reflect and respond to the "intent" in mine and others' words and actions
- be mindful of my body's needs i.e. - good nutrition, exercise, sleep, work, play, sex, meditation and "me time"
- be generous with the love and joy Alex so easily expressed to the world (since I'm not Alex this may be a hard one, but I'll give it a shot)
- finally get IT; that we are all only perfectly imperfect and mistakes are golden learning opportunities and a necessity of life
- recognize and reject invitations to the old, destructive ways of being, thinking and living
-get in touch with God, my inner self, my purpose and my mission
-work to put Dr. Foreman and his team on a beach twiddling their thumbs because they have nothing to do!!!!!!!
-find joy in every day, laugh, laugh and then laugh some more
-build new friendships and keep existing friends close and in my life with kindness, time and generosity
-teach Zoe about the world and learn from Zoe about the world
-work with Steve to build a marriage we both need and desire
-walk my dog daily!!!
-continue to learn from Alex about love, life and purposeful living!
-let my house get messy with dishes in the sink and everything and LOVE the free time I have because I'm not cleaning it!!!
-stop using retail therapy as a coping mechanism and start be responsible about money and savings.
-get rid of stuff we don't use or need
-get this house radon tested!!!!
-Read more!
-Listen more!
-get thank you cards out to everyone that has been so generous to our family in the last 18 months!
-get into therapy that works! (or not, if I'm successful at all of the above, then I may just cure myself!!)
-Smile more!
-Get and give more hugs!!
-Be kind and gentle with myself and others (I know this is a repeat, but it is very important)!!!
I think I could go on forever with this list but let's be realistic shall we? So everyone wants to know how ZG is doing. She has not lost her spirit and spunk. She does exhibit some real anger at times and will even pinch herself if she gets very frustrated. One day she came in and said to me "Mommy, where's Alex, I lost him?" over and over. When we were leaving OKC and buying snacks for the plane, Zoe found gummy bears and wanted to buy them for Alex. All I can do when things like this happen is say, "Alex is dead." We still talk about him alot and I hope that never changes. Overall she is thriving in her new found attention and quality time with Steve and me.
Steve has been sick since we got back on Friday. I started feeling kinda puny yesterday with a sore throat and stuff but not as run down as he seems to feel. The Xmas holiday was quite hard without our precious boy there to help celebrate. Alex got me a beautiful charm bracelet with four lockets (two tear drops and two hearts) and a flying bird. I wear it everyday along with the "beads of life" necklace from TCH. Alex got his cousin, Evan, a skull cap with a glow in the dark design on it. I can't remember if the design is spider man or a skull and cross bones. I still don't know what he got his "girlfriend" Katharine, but I'm sure I'll find out soon.
Being home has been VERY difficult. Alex is in every particle of this house. Last night as Steve was looking for a lost shoe, he found some of Alex's toys and his water bottle under our bed. That kind of stuff is hard to take. It just reminds you of the hours upon hours we played this particular game with Alex and how many times we filled that water bottle and it sustained him through the night.
My heart still aches for Alex. I don't spend my days crying all the time but I do have crying episodes every day. Like right now.
Okay, live and learn and never give up! Or "Keep moving forward" as they say in "Meet the Robinsons" movie.
God bless and big hugs!
Love, G
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10 comments:
Good luck with all your resolutions for the new year. I have many myself, and I asure you I will be checking back here for motivation. We can do it together. Although mine are a little different, some are very much the same, so let's do it. Especially the one about being mindful to my bodt's needs. My body is aching and need tlc big time. I think I might dothat hot stone massage you talked about. Boy could I go for that. Take care Gwen.
Lori
Glad you are back...we missed you. Your motivations/resolutions are ones all of us should follow. Thank you. Alex continues in my thoughts and I know this world will always be a better place because of him. May 2008 bring as much peace comfort as it can....
Love
Susan
I am so glad to have you back in colorado and have missed you over the holidays.
That list of yours is long enough to last a lifetime. Go easy on yourself as you go about making changes. The idea of change is one I really want for the new year(I always want change to be sweeping and instant!), but it is hard to keep the perspective that these things have there own time as they become integrated into our daily lives. Go easy on your self!
I hope to see you all soon!
Love, Tina
I got back from Spain last night. Dean and Malena are still there. We have been thinking about you guys a lot and took some very special moments to think about Alex.
We send you all our love and support.
Elena, Dean and Malena
Gwen,
What a special gift to have the bracelet that Alex picked out for you. Regular crying episodes come with the territory, but it is great to see you looking so positively toward the upcoming year.
Talking about Alex is healthy, important, and will never go away as long as you keep him an active part of your lives. A friend of mine whose current children never knew her firstborn know so much about him through stories, something I think is beautiful.
Your list of goals is admirable and sure to make the new year a productive one. Zoe will make huge strides this year as well, which will be a lot of fun to witness.
~Annie
Gwen
I share so many of your resolutions its as if I wrote the list myself! Your "resolve", in general, is such an inspiration. Every time I read a post on your blog I am inspired to be a better me - by Alex AND by you. I am reminded daily to live in the moment, to love, to laugh - and to be thankful. Hugs to you, Steve, and ZG!
Tanja
Gwen
I would like to tell you that Edoardo still asks question about Alex, every single night he prays and ask for Alex to come back, I tell him that Alex is still with us in our hearts, he is even been dreaming about him a lot. I am so glad that you are trying hard to go on, that is the way it should be. I hope everything gets better little by little and that one day you get to learn to live with this new reality in an easier way.
God Bless
Amalia Castaneda
Gwen, Steve and Zoe,
I just want to say hello and let you know that I have been thinking about you during the holidays....much love, Heather G
Gwen,
our family had a prayer circle for yours in Albuquerque over the holidays. Alex's story brought inspiration and closeness to our gathering that we have never experienced as profoundly. You remain in our hearts, please don't ever think that just because Alex is gone that we will ever stop praying for you. Please keep writing when you can to let us know how your family is doing.
J Wolf
Gwen, please know that you and your family are never far from my thoughts as we start the new year.
With many bright hopes for the days to come...
Dianne
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