Hi all. So Tuesday marked six months without Alex in our lives, physically. I have actually felt his presence more lately and had a vision of him the other night. I asked my therapist if I was insane and she said "most certainly"! No, she didn't but that would have been funny, huh? Actually, she said that after such a "trauma" visions are actually quite normal. With that being the case, I wish it would happen again. I do so miss our beautiful boy. Every day without him is such a struggle lately and time is not making the pain any easier to handle. If anything, I feel things are getting worse. In lieu of that and recent events, I have seriously curtailed my alcohol intake. While it makes great sense to want to medicate these horrific feelings, it ends up actually putting me in a great deal of danger. I have come to understand that alcohol, in addition to lowering your inhibitions, also lowers your "filters". You see when I drink in excess I become so depressed that I forget how much I have to live for. I talk and think about being with Alex and at times it has become pretty scary for me and Steve (and my therapist). I have also recently learned that my medications are not helping (when mixed with alcohol). It seems that the anti-anxiety medication I am on actually increases the likelihood of addiction and the effects of the alcohol (as well as seizures). So when I say scary, I mean SCARY!!!! Wish me luck, strength and peace. I need all of them.
In addition to that struggle, I have not been to exercise class since Monday. During a backward lunge on the step, I heard a loud "pop" and immediately felt pain in my left calf muscle. It was so bad I had to scoot down the stairs to get out of the gym. I did the "R.I.C.E." thing Monday and the pain is greatly decreased but I can still feel the pulled muscle. I plan on cleaning the house today as my workout!
I want to take a moment to say "Happy Birthday" to Evan Winston!!! Evan is such an incredible child and we love him sooooo very much. I can't believe it has been seven years since his birth. Happy Birthday Evan! You are VERY SPECIAL and VERY LOVED!!!!
I would also like to encourage all of you that are in the area to join our family at the Kyle O'Connell Foundation's annual Steps-n-Strides Run/Walk on June 1st. We will be walking to honor Alex along with other families that have dealt with pediatric brain cancer. You can register at www.kyleoc.org !! Hope to see you there!
Finally, I would like to ask for your prayers. A member of our family is having brain surgery today and we are all just reeling!! It seems that we just can't catch a break right now. Please pray for the doctors' steady and skilled hands; the children's peace; the patient's easy and fast recovery; and our family's "break"!! We need one!
This weekend is Memorial Day. We plan to work on the yard and play area over the holiday and try to honor Alex in a very special way. I hope you join me.
God bless!
G
PS- Make it a GREAT day!!!
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2 comments:
Gwen,
Thank you for the update. I think of you all every day! It must be almost impossible to believe that it has been six months without Alex. I can understand your reasoning for putting the alcohol aside. I wish you strength and luck with that, since I'm sure it will be hard.
Going into this weekend (Memorial Day weekend), I had in my thoughts that I was going to think about my grandfather and Alex. We will pay a tribute to Alex here in Seattle! But, the truth is, we do that every day, even when it is not Memorial Day.
We love you,
Karlyn, Srikant, Monisha, Vikram, Ashok
Praying for you. The Wolfs
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