Monday, October 26th - My thoughts . . .

Good Morning, I was told yesterday that I am due a run of good luck. That I should go buy a lottery ticket. My response was "maybe I have won the lottery and just can't see it". I said this because I want to stop waiting for "some event" to be happy. I want to be happy with today, now, this body, this car, this job, this life! I want to honor Alex with every breath. To be the person, wife, mother - he and Zoe can be proud of. I want to know my power and use it for good. I want to feel my emotions but not succumb to them. I work towards these goals every day. Some days I feel successful and some days I don't but those days are fewer and fewer. Alex's birthday is in 2 days. I was trying to explain to Zoe what a birthday is because she did not understand how Alex could have a birthday since "he's not here". I said, "a birthday is the day you are born, the day you come out of your mommy's tummy." She asked me, "Will Alex come out of my body (remember she thinks of Alex as being in her heart)?" I said, "no". She then asked if he would come out of my body. I said "no". I think I may have confused her more than anything, but I really want her to understand as much as she can. She likes to talk about Alex and process her emotions with us. Steve wants to watch the home videos we took when Alex was with us. I don't think we have ever watched them. Unfortunately, Zoe is out of school that day and I (as well as her therapist) don't believe she should be a part of the first viewing. I am pretty sure it would be very disconcerting for her to see Steve and I so upset. So I don't really know how we will spend Wednesday. I do know there will be tears and if I can get away with it some primal screams! I would like to ask all of you who know Alex, to take a moment to remember his smile and his spirit. If he knew you, he loved you and his beauty was a reflection of the beauty inside all of us. He is your angel too and he wants you to be happy, fulfilled, complete. Just take a moment to say, "hello" to your power, wisdom and glory. Then feel the smile Alex puts in your heart. God Bless, G