First I want to thank you all for your prayers and kind words of support and love for Alex and our family. I know it has made a difference in our home. It is absolutely awe inspiring how Alex has affected this world in such a positive manner. I am so amazed that our little boy could accomplish so much in such a short period of time. He is such a Super Hero!!!
So, this last week and a half has been a blur. I remember lots of hugs, lots of uncontrollable wailing, physical pain, a beautiful ceremony, flowers and an unexplainable feeling that I have lost something very important and just can't find it. It's like a panic. Where is it? How can I live with out it? What do I do now? Losing Alex's presence in our daily lives has been traumatic. I walk around the house doing stuff until the grief grips me and all I can do is hold down the couch. I have watched many movies the past few days and don't remember much about them. One I do remember was "Catch and Release". It was filmed in Boulder, CO and to honor her dead fiance, the main character creates a "peace garden". I thought that we should create a "hope garden" for Alex at the Children's Hospital. Wouldn't that be grand? Something really inspirational and fun for kids. I also watched "Edward Scissorhands" and it just occurred to me that we could have those fun-shaped hedges and trees like in that movie. Children should have a place to go and learn that there is always hope. (Is there always hope?)
You can't imagine how much physical pain I was in last week and the first part of this week. The physical manifestation of my grief and loss was acute and engulfing. A dear friend bought me a hot stone massage that worked wonders for me and I know has expedited my recovery. If you have never had a hot stone treatment, GO GET ONE!!! Coldwater Creek Spa is where I recommend you go too! If you can't do that then get an "essential pedicure" and just relax!
At Alex's service many incredible words were spoken. I remember our neighbor, Kevin, saying that Alex accomplished something every person in the world strives to do and that is to impact the lives of every person they meet. I thought that was a profound statement and very true. Of course, Alex has changed the lives of people he has never met too. That is the wonder of his truth, spirit and love for life.
Alex was cremated on Wednesday. It was my birthday and a very hard day for me. The dogs had gone on a rampage the night before and I found two of the gifts Alex chose for Xmas gifts for his family. Alex absolutely loved flashlights so he got his dad this really cool lantern. He also loved baths and so he got ZG some bath tub letters and numbers. Knowing that he picked out these gifts and also knowing that they reflected his love for his family brought me to my knees. I still can barely contemplate Christmas without Alex. Each day I feel his absence. I also feel his joyful spirit at times too.
Okay, that about does it for me. Steve seems to be handling things okay. Unfortunately, his good friend moved away this week and I worry about him sinking. Zoe Grace asks "where's Alex? Alex in Oklahoma? Mom, I lost Alex?" about once or twice a day. She really misses him and we just keep telling him "no Zoe, Alex is dead." That is what all the books say to say. They don't say where the well of strength is to say it though!!
God bless!
G
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13 comments:
Gwen, Steve, Zoe,
I want you to know that I am thinking of you every single day; we ALL are thinking of you every single day. Often with tears.
I'm so glad you've updated the blog, even though your entry has made me cry again. I check multiple times a day and I know others who do as well. How you are making it, THAT you are making it, is so important to all of us out here in the ether.
I start crying for your loss at the oddest moments. But I know the sadness I feel is so minute compared to what you are going through.
I wish I could do more than think good thoughts for you, but at least I will keep doing that.
I agree with Mari Ann....yeah, what she said. ;)
Much love and hugs to you, and blessings as well.
J Clark
Gwen,
I am so glad to see you post this message. I too think of you each day and wish I could somehow mitigate your pain. I know that it reminds you of Alex and the depth of your love for him. He is a beautiful spirit. I know in time you will find small ways that he shows you that he too is thinking of you. Just today I was at the grocerie store and thinking of my grand mother Rosie. I won't explain it now but, there was a small gesture from her that could only be meant for me to recognize. It warmed me to know that we are connected to each others hearts in this intimate way. Keep your eyes and your heart open to seeing these opportunities to connect to each other even though your heart hurts so much right now (and will probably ache with longing for ever).
I wish you and Steven all my love and healing energy!
Tina
Hi, this is the first time I've commented on your blog. I only learned of it after Alex had passed away. I just finished reading every entry from beginning to end. My heart aches, the tears have flowed, and I can not even begin to imagine your pain. I have a five year old and a two year old. Both girls. I don't even know what to say. I just wanted you to know that I was out here,and I am reading your blog, and am really interested an concerned for you. I wish I knew you so I could give you a GREAT BIG HUG! I know it doesn't seem like it now, but you will find strength in your little girl, and I truly believe Alex is looking down on you right now with admiration and love. He is free of his suffering and in a better place.
I remember watching you and Alex drop off Zoe in Nido. He is and we always be a very loving and attentive brother, you could always tell how much he loved Zoe.
I am sure he is watching her now and will be her special guardian angel.
Gwen, Thank you for the last posting. We think about you, Steve, Alex and Zoe everyday and want you to know that the prayers and well wishes continue from our family and our community. I cannot imagine the energy it takes to face each day but I thank you for continuing to share your story.
The Slaters
Gwen,
Alex has had such a huge impact on our families lives. I thank you so much for sharing your joys and pains and we pray for you every day. Reading your story has helped me in unexpected ways. My grandmother lost a child when he was 5 and the grief sent her into a downward spiral of alcoholism until she died of cirrosis of the liver when I was 4. She was not there for my dad, who was younger, who in turn never learned to become a nurturing parent to me. He left me and my mom when I was a child and died of alcoholism while I was pregnant with my son. It's been so difficult to forgive him, but reading about your loss has made me think about how much losing a child would affect me, and by forgiving my grandmother, I forgive my father. What I can do now is be the best mother I can to my sons, stay sober (I'm an alcoholic-surprise-but have been sober for over 2 years) no matter what life throws at me, and end this cycle of pain. I totally agree with what was said at Alex's funeral, that he's had a positive affect on every life he touched, even strangers.
Gwen, Steve and Zoe -- I know that I do not have the right words to make anything better, but I do want to let you know that we are thinking of you every day, with awe and amazement at what a wonderful boy you created and shared with everyone else.
I hope overtime the joy and wonder of that will ease the grief and pain and you'll be able to think of Alex and smile.
Dianne, Craig and Josh Miller
Gwen, Steve and Zoe...
I, too, have been checking the blog site daily, sometimes several times a day - trying to give you comfort from a distance and hoping that somehow you all are able to find peaceful moments inbetween the loss and pain. I have been thinking of you constantly and am often overcome with great sadness and sorrow that my shoulders just give way and I find myself weeping...I cannot for one minute fathom what you are going through. Thank you so much for taking the time to write. Your strength and frankness are so powerful - you are a tremendous force and as I said before, a teacher to us all. We love you and send you all big, strong, warm hugs...probably not as soothing as the hot stone massage :) xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Most dear Gwen, Steve and ZG,
My heart sank when I read what you have all been through and how difficult the journey was. And now I know why it's been on my mind so much to check the blog. I think that I'll cry myself to sleep tonight. Okay, I'm bawling now. I am SO SORRY that I missed Alex's funeral and memorial. Knowing you, it celebrated his life, brilliant spirit and presence, his old soul sage words that could only come out of a true angel's mouth. I am positive that he is an active guardian angel for the 3 of you, with no physical challenges to his most dear body i.e. he is in his most blissful and joyful presence now and there are no physical separations between you. I can only fathom how ZG's most precious inquiries would bring you to your knees.
We are all SO grateful to be able to witness Alex's brilliance, the light that will shine forever more on.
I think that now I'm going to make a HUGE dent in our tissues.
Please, please know that our recent absence was ONLY an affect of my cognitive and organizational challenges of not checking the blog as often as my heart dictated. It not in ANY way was any indication of the endless love and support that we have for the 3 of you.
Big love,
Barbara, Chip & Burnsie
Hi Gwen, Steve, and Zoe-
Everyone grieves in their own way. Each of you may or may not grieve in similar ways. Whatever each of you is doing is what is right for you. It is very difficult for a 2 1/2 year old to understand death. Heck it's difficult for me to understand death and I'm a grown-up. I understand it on a cognitive, thinking level but not on an emotional level. They never leave us emotionally-we miss them achingly. I too have looked to hear how you all are doing and am glad that you posted your most recent message.
Life is different now and that means that Christmas will be also. I believe that the hot stone massage really means taking care of yourself and that's the way to go in however your family chooses to celebrate Christmas.
I think of Alex and all of you often. Please know that my healing thoughts are sent your way many times each day.
Sue Coffey
Been checking the blog to see how things are going. This journey has been an unfair one, and through your beautiful angel I have grown more as a parent. Thank you for sharing it with the world, and over this holiday season I send you hope, as there is always hope, strength, warmth, and hugs from a stranger. Thank you very much for reminding me that when you are a parent there are things to focus on and things that really don't mean that much.
Shantell
I am thinking of you all tonight.
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