So we have moments of "normalcy"; moments of confusion; moments of distress; and moments of woe and despair. I look at the Alex and Zoe's last Christmas picture taken November 2006 in which they are standing, holding hands and smiling for the camera. That seems so long ago and far away but also just like yesterday. Oh how I long for Alex to be a part of our holiday. It's just too hard to do this without him.
There is no refuge either. I can't go out. I can't stay in. Yesterday his fingerprints on the backseat car window made me weep for him. I want to hear his sweet voice. I want to make him oodles and oodles of noodles in a river of sauce with a mountain of cheese on top. I want to hold my baby boy. I want to see his beautiful face and tell him how much I love and cherish him.
Tonight we will have our "Christmas" here. Zoe is getting an "Alexander Girlz" brand baby doll with brown hair, brown eyes (just like her). Nonni got her a doll set including a baby rocker, high chair and stroller. I also got her a sock monkey, but I can't find it. I can't tell you what I got Steve since he reads the blog. But it is something he has asked for and will enjoy, I'm sure.
This week has been very difficult. I'm afraid it is not going to get any easier either. I'm glad we are leaving town but also dreading it. I just hope I don't ruin Christmas for all of my dear family and friends. I try so hard to remember Alex's lessons. To enjoy every moment and to be present in the moment. To love and smile. To play no matter how difficult it might be to do so. To listen to music that you love and dance whenever you can. To give and get big hugs. To say "I love you" to everyone you care for every time you see or talk to them. To enjoy the sun and the moon and rainbows. To ask for help when you need it and never do anything you really don't want to do. To eat what you love when you want it, but not to be gluttonous about anything. To honor the day and be grateful for everything in your life, even the bad stuff that makes life worth living!
I think I could go on forever, but I'm feeling better now, so I will stop. Happy Holidays to you all. I love you.
God bless.
G
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14 comments:
Dear Gwen,
You and your family are in my thoughts and heart, and I will be thinking of you and sending you warmth over this holiday weekend.
Hugs from a stranger.
Shantell
Hi, Gwendolyn, i want to tell you how amazing it is to see you find light and joy during such a tremendously difficult time. Remembering the lessons alex taught us while he was here, even though your heart aches, honors his exsistence and of course shows the depth of your love for him as his mother. my thoughts are with you, steve, and zoe during the holidays.
love,
joy
Hi Gwen,
Thinking of you too, this weekend. We'll keep Alex's lessons in mind, since it's often so easy to get mired in the negative parts of the holidays. Thanks for writing this. It's a lovely blog entry.
Big love, big hugs to you and your family.
The Clarks
Hi Gwen,
I just wanted to let you know that we think of you constantly, and I comment, only to cancel out of the comment box when I feel that my words are not up to the feelings I wish to express (far more often than I actually post).
You are both superheroes to me; every bit as much as Alex is and was. I can only hope that when faced with such adversity, I have the stuff it takes to shine through as you have.
Through your words, you've also made *my* parents that much more wonderful in my eyes. They lost my little sister, Cathy on the 23rd of December a whole lot of Christmases ago. It's only now, as a parent myself, and by living through your heartbreak on the blog that I really get a feel for what they went through.
Please remember that Alex is with you. He wouldn't want you to be sad on Christmas.
Love from the lowlands,
-Scott (Suzan, Mattie & Mitch)
Gwen,
You know, you keep saying how you aren't especially strong and you don't understand why we are all so inspired by you. I'm going to just ramble here, and I'll try to make a point, I swear. Anyway, when I saw the Passion of the Christ, what got to me more than anything else was the strength of Mary. I don't know if you've seen it, but two scenes stick in my mind. The one where Jesus is a small boy and he stumbles on a rock and she rushes to comfort him. How many times have we all done similar small actions of love? My younger son is learning to balance and bonks his head daily. It's our nature to nurture. After he is crucified she washes his blood with her clothing from the square where he was whipped. I didn't even have kids when I saw the movie, but to imagine such a tender gesture even after he was gone was earth moving for me. To love so completely and to have the strength to carry on after something so painful was astonishing to me. I'm not Catholic, but it is no wonder to me that millions also worship Mary and call upon her help for strength. Now that I am also a mother of two (and yes, I hope your husband told you you still are Alex's mother when you questioned it)I think about Mary even more often, especially since following your writings. I don't think God chose Mary to go through what she did because she was pure and virginal, I think because she was strong. She showed us how to continue loving with tenderness and affection even after the unthinkable happens. I see her strength in you, in how you told us about washing Alex and oiling him after his passing. How you miss him with every fingerprint, and try to remember his lessons. When all was said and done, what did we have left of Christ but his lessons? We all keep in our hearts by remembering these important jewels, Alex gives us a light in the darkness of this world, reminds us of what is really important, eachother and every minute we get to spend with loved ones. I think of Alex as my 10 month old rests his head on my shoulder at a 4 am wakening, thankful that despite how tired I am, I can smell his sweet baby breath and look forward to his fingerprints on my car window. God Bless you Gwen and family.
J Wolf
The example that Alex set is something we can all strive to follow--reading your list of lessons was a great reminder for me, as well.
Cherish the time spent with your family and friends, but don't be too focused on putting on a happy face. Your family feels Alex's void as well, and the holiday will be bittersweet for everyone.
~Annie
Keep holding on tight to those lessons. We all can learn from them!
I wanted to share a little story from Vikram: The other day Vikram found a Spider Man toy, in a place one would not expect it. I told him we should leave it there because maybe the owner will come back for it. But, the woman sitting at the table said he could have it because the toy had been sitting there lost for a long time. Of course, Vikram was thrilled to hear this, and the first thing he said was, "Look, Mom. Now we have something to help us remember Alexander every day because he just loved Spider Man!"
Holiday hugs to you all!
Karlyn
Gwen, please know that you are never far from my thoughts even in the middle of all of the holiday craziness that seems to grip us in spite of ourselves.
Because of your journey, I hold my own a little tighter and a little longer, so I thank you and Alex from the bottom of my heart.
I believe that Alex is with you, whispering in your ear, he loves you, and always will. And just remember, a spirit as big as Alex's can't be contained--even those who knew him in passing feel it.
Yesterday was solstice...the darkest day of the year. The sun WILL return. Blessings to you, Steve and Zoe.
Dianne
praying 4 u on Christmas Day
Just want you to know that my family is thinking of yours today, and wishing you all the best.
You all have been in my thoughts a hundred times today as we celebrate Christmas. Feel our thoughts.
Merry Christmas from The Vasans
Gwen, Steve, and Zoe
I think of you all so often, and send "invisible" hugs your way many times every day. I also think so very often of Alex and those same lessons that you wrote so eloquently about in your post, Gwen.
My little G-man is VERY much into Spiderman now and while it is somewhat bittersweet to see him padding around in his spidey jammies as it always makes me think of Alex it always puts a smile on my face and makes me hug G. a little longer and a little harder! Alex is with so many of us every single day - in small subtle ways (and sometimes not so subtle ways) and is guiding my own actions more than I could ever begin to express in words.
Much Love
Tanja
I wish I had the magic words that would take away some of the pain you are feeling but I know that is foolish. Please know that we continue to hold the four of you in our hearts and in our prayers as Alex and his story continues to move, inspire and remind us what is the right thing to do.
Wishing you peace from California.
The Slaters
Thinking of you today, may 2008 bring your more smiles than tears. Have a safe and warm new years with your lovely little ZG.
Hugs from a stranger.
Shantell
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