Thank you all for your prayers and kind words. I love to read how Alex's life has made the world a better place. I too do not know where the energy comes to face each day. I have to force myself out of bed in the morning and into bed at night since sleep is not coming easily to me. Alex's presence is all over the house. I think he is playing with us in his very special ways. I miss him so much. And now I am crying.
Last week on the ABC Nightly News program, Joe Biden was being interviewed. He lost his wife and daughter in a car accident early in his life. His 2 boys survived and he talked about loss. To paraphrase his words he said "suicide is a rational option, if the love you shared was as great and profound as you believe then why would you want to re-establish your life?" (to hear the interview in its entirety go to www.abcnews.com and search "joe biden"). I have to say that living without Alex is too hard at times but I don't want to check out. I just want Alex with us again and always. I miss his smile and his laugh and his big brain! I want to hold him and stare into those beautiful eyes; watch him sleep and play a game with him. My heart has never known unconditional love before Alex and Zoe. Alex was the first to show me how grand love really can be. I knew when I met him that my life would never be the same again.
Mr. Biden also talks about feeling guilty when you realize that you want to live. He talks about his father telling him "get up, get up". His father told him that success is not measured on how many times you are knocked down but how quickly you get up. He also says you have to focus on what you have. I know this is an absolute truth. So many of us (myself included) focus every second of every day on what is wrong or what we don't have that would make the next second better. Well the truth (as I see it) is that when you get that "thing" your life is not better, because you have programmed your mind to always be searching. Each of us search for something different but the result is the same - feeling unfulfilled, unloved and empty. I have a huge hole in my soul and I know that the only way to recover from the loss of my dear boy is to finally and wholly love myself.
It always boggles my mind to hear so many people talk about me with such admiration. I truly feel that I have done only what any parent would do and that is love my children and do the best possible for that day. That does not seem extraordinary to me. I am starting to listen more and learn from you all though. So many of you can't be wrong, huh? So, with baby steps, I am going to try to feel Alex's unconditional love for myself. Wouldn't that be a grand way to go through our days; if we loved ourselves unconditionally and therefore knew that the rest of the world was hurting just as we hurt and love and kindness were the answer to the crisis at hand? Wow! what a concept!!!
Okay, so Christmas is coming and I realized yesterday that no where in our media, advertisements, or daily lives do we talk much about the true meaning of Christmas. It is no longer "correct" to do so. I feel our children only know it as a day that they get gifts and that is it. I'm not saying that everyone should go to church, not by any means. But shouldn't we talk about giving and love and the reason for Christmas? Shouldn't we teach our children about the origins of this holiday? I realize this would be different for every family and I also think it would be grand if we all understood Kwanzaa and Hanukkah too. Perhaps learning how this holiday is celebrated all over the world would be a better idea than just emptying our pocketbooks, creating more debt and filling our homes with stuff. Okay, I'm done. Please forgive my soapbox rantings!!
I remember our second Christmas with Alex in 2003. Alex was one and Steve and I had had a very difficult year financially. We only had money to buy Alex one gift. I thought long and hard about what I wanted to get him. Since he loved music so much, I decided to buy him a kid size piano. Tuesday Morning advertised one and on the day the store opened, I got up at the crack of dawn, poured some coffee and drove to the store. I wish I could share the feeling of joy and happiness I felt that morning. I was so excited as I stood outside the doors waiting for them to open. As I drove home I thanked God for helping understand that I was blessed to have such a beautiful family and that the love we shared was much more important than the giving of gifts. I still think of that Christmas as my favorite.
This year's Christmas is not something I am looking forward too though. We will be with family and I am trying to focus more on that than Alex's absence. I'm pretty sure though that I will be overcome by sadness and grief. The question is how long will it last and will I be able to pull myself out of it? I'm sure I will. Zoe Grace absolutely demands my attention and she constantly reminds me of what I have still to live for.
Well, this is too hard but with your love and prayers we'll make it through.
God bless!
G
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Gwen- please love yourself as we all love you. Perfection not necessary. We love you, we love your energy, we love your spunk, we love your passion, we love hearing your strong and thoughtful opinions....it is all great. Now also permit yourself to grieve. It is a huge and terrible loss - it is real, and sad, and not fair. But the feelings are real and true, they just need balance and a means for focusing that energy. Take it and use it. Call any time day or night.
Jo-Nell
Jo-Nell says it so perfectly. You also are so full of wisdom, and grace, and as much as you don't need or want to be an inspiration, your ability to care, send such messages as you do in your blog, and continue to teach us all is something for which I am thankful. I cannot imagine the pain all of you must be feeling, and I won't begin to try. However, it is ok to grieve and to miss him. It is completely unbelievably unfair. I hope the messages you send to all of us(and the gifts Alex gave each of us) continue to be felt and followed the world over.
Love,Susan
Gwen,
I am glad you all will be surrounded by family for this difficult holiday season; not that the void that Alex's absence has created will be softened, but it is always a joy to spend time with loved ones.
I always think of Frank Bingham as an example of a man who has risen above the ultimate tragedy, and Joe Biden expresses some of the same feelings. It is so true that while the loss of Alex is profound, you do still have wonderful things in your life, now appreciated all the more.
Best wishes over the holidays, Gwen. Treat yourself tenderly.
~Annie
Gwen-
Remember recommending "Eat, Pray, Love"? I'm finally getting to it and have just read her experience of New Years in India and her frustrated expectations of herself. And of god and love. I hope those passages come back to you. Do be gentle with yourself and let Alex's unconditional love carry you for a while. He'd be so happy if you let him do that.
Love,
Kathy
Gwen,
I echo what others are saying: please be gentle with yourself! Treat yourself with tender loving care. And, don't deny the enormity of the grief. It is real. Honor it. Pushing it deep down or trying to be "too strong, too soon" is to deny yourself. I'm sure you do feel Alex's presence very strongly. It is now his turn to cradle you with his never-ending love and protection.
Many Hugs, Karlyn
With hard experiences comes great knowledge. I read through your thoughts and I am awed by your wisdom. What you have learned and gained through this journey will forever be with me. I thank you very much for this. My only blip of wisdom I can offer to you, is take care of yourself and grieve however you need. If that means crying until there are no more tears, then do so. If you get lost in the depths of grief, you have a great network of friends and family to grab your hand and guide you back. Remember that those times in which you can no longer take a step your family and friends are there to carry you until your strength replenishes. It is okay to be strong, but you need to give yourself time grieve as well. From my own experiences, if you don't, your emotions will blind side you and cause and explosion of emotion.
Hugs from a stranger.
Shantell
I'd like to say a bit about why I marvel at you.
Many of us live with some measure of fear that a tragedy will befall us. For parents, the worry is always centered on our children. Though we have moments that we can hardly stand to be around them, we know that our kids are the most precious things in our lives - perhaps the ultimate reason for our existence. For worriers like myself, the fear is sometimes tangible, something I can almost taste.
I look at you in wonder because there is NO WAY I could endure what you have endured and are still struggling through now. I know I am too weak, too afraid, too likely to check out or end up in an insane asylum. Part of my grief for you is an expression of my own fear.
Here's the thing: No one ever has the grace they need to face a painful struggle until they NEED to have it. I can't get it in advance by fearing that something bad will happen. And in fact there is an argument to be made that the more I fear, the less grace I have in the present.
But if something does happen, THEN the grace I need - to stand up and face the pain and impossibility, to slog through it every day when the outlook is bleak, and yet to see and embrace those wonderful moments of joy in the midst of pain - will come to me. I think that's what has happened to you.
The grace doesn't make it easy - it makes it possible.
It must be like the adrenaline that helps average people lift cars off of accident victims. The grace gives you the feeling that what you are doing is quite natural and ordinary. You just do it because it needs to be done. To the rest of us, the feat is nothing less than miraculous.
But the guy lifting up the car isn't magically moved to put his hands under the bumper and try. He has to want to help. He has to hope for the best. He runs to help in spite of the impossibility of the situation because he knows, subconsciously perhaps, that if he doesn't at least try, he will have let down not just the victim but himself as well.
You seized the grace, you summoned your inner strength, and you rose to the occasion for the sake of your son and daughter and husband - and yourself. You still do that every single day. And we who have not had real need for that grace, nor been forced to test our inner strength, MUST marvel at you. You are a beauty to behold.
Some of the people who read your blog will, unfortunately, have to face similar trials; your example will inspire them to grab the grace and go.
Gwen, I feel so deeply for you, and when you talk about the unconditional love for Alex and Zoe, I see myself and how I feel for Josh. I think it's only reasonable to believe that the depth of your grief is equal to the depth of your love -- which is of course why it's so freaking hard!
You are amazing to me simply because through your blog you made it obvious that while Alex was here you were busy cherishing every moment you had, not begrudging every one you didn't - and that, to my mind, is truly the meaning of grace.
My hope for you is that eventually the grief fades and the only thing you have left is the deep, abiding and unending love for both Zoe and Alex- and don't be afraid to let the grief go, when it's time, because the love will always be there.
Many, many kind thoughts to you, Steve and Zoe.
Dianne Miller
We're listening Gwen, and we're aching and grieving and healing and questioning with you in all our own ways. Of course our emotions do not compare but the point is that we can do this together. In the meantime, celebrate Zoe, Steve, YOU and hold each other tight this holiday. I look forward to spending time with you soon.
Chantell
I am one of the many strangers quietly being inspired by your family's love and courage - each day bravely facing forward in spite of life's uncertainty. Your friends are inspired/inspirational as well... After reading Merri Ann's comments, the mantra, "Grab the Grace and Go" continues to sing through my head at all the right moments.
Life isn't the same. The world is a better place. Thank you Alex, thank you Gwen, thank you Steve, Zoe, and all the rest!!
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