Alex passed very peacefully in his father's arms. He awoke yesterday morning with a very painful headache and swollen forehead and right eye. Tylenol did not help and since Alex was crying due to the pain, we started the Dilodid IV. Due to many factors, it took hours to get Alex relief but he was free of pain eventually. His last word was "music". He wanted to change the tv channel from his shows to the "massage music" on comcast (soundscapes).
Alex passed at 11:45am. After that we took him to the master bedroom, bathed him and oiled his body with massage oil. We changed his clothes and put on his Spider Man pajamas. Then I broke down completely and utterly. Then I stayed with him kissing and holding and just looking at his beautiful face. The swelling was gone and he looked so lovely and at peace.
By 3pm the morticians were here to take him away. Steve carried him out the back door. The sky had this eerie yellow tint to it and for the first time all day, Alex looked dead. I think the hardest thing I have ever done is to watch him leave our home for the final time. I broke down again in the back yard screaming at the top of my lungs.
Steve and I were able to compose ourselves enough to talk to Zoe. She went in and said "good bye" to Alex then went to watch Diego. She seemed very sad and mad yesterday and would not sleep until I came in and laid down with her. I woke up at 4:30am in terrible pain. My entire body hurt. I felt as though I had been in a horrible car accident. I got up and took some med they gave me in the ER for pain. Next thing I know it was 7:30am and I needed to get up and get ZG ready for school. I have no idea how I got out of bed but I did and when Nadine came by to pick up Zoe, I was laying on my back in the playroom with Zoe laying on top of me. As soon as she was out the door, I went to lay down in our bed. All morning I felt as though my limbs were made of lead and the pain was excruciating. Finally, I was able to get up and take a divine bath downstairs. All the ladies did an incredible job at making me comfortable. A
Since then I have been to the funeral chapel and made arrangements for services. The fact that I just had to pick out my child's casket is mind numbing. I feel like a zombie as I write this now. I asked Steve this morning if I was still Alex's mother. Since Alex is no longer here to nurture, nourish and hold then how do I call myself his mother?
Here are the details of the services for Alexander Michael Kasnoff:
Friday, December 7th Viewing/Visitation from 5:30 pm to 8 pm at Moore Howard Funeral Chapel; 4345 West 46th Avenue, Denver, CO 80212; 303.433.6425; john.demers@sci-us.com.
Alex's memorial service will be held on Saturday, December 8th at the same location at 10am.
God bless you all. Hold on tight to one another and make sure everyone you love knows how you feel today.
G
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35 comments:
You will always be their Mother and Steve will always be his Father ... Always.
Paula
Gwendolyn & Steve- I can only imagine the pain you are feeling right now...Me and my boyfreind recently exprinced a miscarriage of our first child...and after I passed the baby and held my lifeless baby in my hands the pain in my body that I felt was so deep...and as you spoke of laying in the yard screaming it reminds me of laying on my mothers floor only blocks from your home screaming as well! As you go on the journey of this new found pain in life remember that the power of those who love you will bring you threw.....and that ZG is an amazing little girl so to bring as much joy to her as possible threw this pain. My blessings are with you during this time....and know that from a pair or parents in pain of the death of our child....that we can share in our deep pain in the death of your amazing and joyful little boy ALEX...he will never be forgotten!
LOVE ALWAYS, Miss Katie and Emmanuel
Gwen, thank you for your post. I weep for you, Steve, Zoe and Alex as I write this. I remember baths and overnights years ago between Emma and Alex and am given a bit of comfort from your post thinking he was not in pain as he passed. You and Steve are his parents, and made him the amazingly loving, special, happy, kind and beautiful boy he was, is and always will be. I wish any of us could say something to take away even a minutia of the hurt, but know I can't. We will all miss him, but please know we will all always be here for you and your family, and he (and you all) will never be forgotten. You have taught us all to be better parents, and better people, and I for one thank you for that - I am just so sorry you have endured this loss.
Again - there are no words Gwen.
We love you,
Susan
Our thoughts are with you now as they have been throughout this journey.
Many hugs and much love to your whole family.
Ali, Dan, Arden, and William
I cry with you as I read this post. I am thankful that you were all together and that Alex was peaceful in his final moments. No words do justice for this incredible loss. You have all shown so much courage throughout. You are an amazing family that we can all learn from (and we have)! Feel the love and support around you.
When I think of Alex, I first see his amazing, captivating smile, and then I see him in his Spider Man pose, shooting the web out of his hands! I will hold on to that always!
Love, Karlyn
Gwendolyn,
You are and always will be Alex's mother. And a mother who I have always looked up to. The most organized, loving, commited, involved, courageous mother I know. A mother who always puts in 100% effort into making every moment extra special for her children. A mother who takes time to say what she belives in when it comes to her children. You have shown tremendous strength through this all. We love you and your family will always be in our prayers.
Alisha Secrest
Matt and I weep for you, for your loss and the pain you now face. Thank you for sharing with us your courageous journey and the tender, intimate moments. You, Steve, Zoe and Alex have changed our lives - you have taught us so much about hope, love and strength. Your journey is far from over and I hope you will give us the privilege of continuing along with you. We are here for anything you might need. Our deepest sympathy and loving wishes.
Chantell and Matt
We have never met, but I have been following Alex's story for some time. I read your post and felt compelled to echo what others have already said; that you will ALWAYS be Alex's mother. Being a mother is not just what you do for your child, but also the bond between your hearts. And I believe that that bond is stronger than even death. Wherever Alex is, he will always know you as his mother.
My heart breaks for you and I hope you can take some small measure of comfort is knowing that you did everything humanly possible to make Alex's last weeks and months filled with joy and love and friends and family. You have demonstrated how to handle life's most unimaginable tragedy not only with the inevitable grief and fear and anger, but also with courage and strength and grace and faith. When I read your posts about being told that Alex had been given a six week prognosis I anticipated all the following posts to be filled with despair. I was so moved and amazed when instead there was post after post of happiness and fun and making the most out of every day. I wish that we did not have to learn this lesson at the expense of you and your family, but you have taught so many people about making the most of the time we have with the people we love and about never giving in or giving up.
Please take care of yourself and each other during this time and know that because of your willingness to share your life with others there are many, many people who will always remember Alex and will hold your family in their hearts.
Abby
A mother is always a mother to her child, whether or not her child is physically with her. Part of Alexander will always be with you, and part of you will always be with him as well.
~Annie
Though we have never met, I have watched you travel this hard and unkind journey. I came to your blog from the Steadman's, I followed, prayed, and hoped for you and your family. I have not experienced the loss you have, but from my own losses I do know that one day you will wake up and instead of the first feeling being pain from the loss of your beautiful boy, it will be a smile to know that you mothered a wonderful soul. This isn't something that will happen overnight or even in a year. The hole in your heart will always be there, but over time it will get smaller to where more smiles than tears fill your days.
I wish you comfort and peace through this time of darkness, and hope that the light returns.
Hugs from a stranger
Shantell
Oh, Gwen. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. I don't know if it helps you (I hope that it does) but as a mom whose child is a cancer patient, I have to tell you it helps me not to feel so alone and isolated.
I know there are a variety of beliefs about death and dying, but I think that you will always be Alex's mom, just as he will always be your son no matter what. You cherished him, gave him joy, and helped him all the way through a profoundly unfair early passing. That's not an easy thing to do, but you were right there with him the whole way. If that's not the textbook definition of a mom, I don't know what is...
Since my child's diagnosis, I have spent so much time being scared of what might happen. I know that her future may be out of my control, but that the important thing is to provide the support she needs no matter what. If you hadn't shared your story, I don't know if I'd know how to do that. It's not generally the kind of information you get in parenting books.
Much love to you, Gwen. I am thinking of you, and Steve and ZG too.
J Clark
Gwen: You are an amazing mother to your children. We have watched and listened and read your words, which have inspired me to be a better mother. You alone are responsible for giving me the strength to make better decisions about how I spend my time and to value each precious and fleeting moment I spend with my children. I am wishing that there was something I could say or do to express my deepest sorrow and help you and your family during this time. You, Steve, Alex and Zoe are in my thoughts and prayers and each of you continue to be an inspiration to me. I thank you for taking the time during this journey to share so much with us all. You are a mother and a teacher and I am so lucky to know you.
Gwen:
I am so sorry. I was doing a search for you on the internet and came across your blog. It isn't that words escape me. I just don't know if there are any. My heart is breaking for you and your family. My prayers are with you. Please let me know if you need anything and I will also just be there to listen if you need to talk.
Gwen and Steve - you will always be his parents and the most amazing parents!
When I told Katharine, looking our her bedroom window she said, "He won't come back even if I wish on a shooting star." But this morning, she woke and said, "We all get to see him again some day and I know that his spirit will know mine since we are right in the middle of each other's hearts."
Alex will always be in the middle of all of our hearts.
I love all of you!
Jo-Nell
This is really painful to read about what you are going through. I feel deeply sorry and sad, and keep you in my prayers every day. Alex will always stay in my thoughts, I will never forget him, as a happiest person ever.
Asia.
Alex was a very beautiful child. My prayers go out to you and Steve, Zoe and Alex. I will always think of your family as having the bravery beyond what should ever be called from us in our lives. I am greatful to you both. I think of how blessed Alex was for the happiness that seemed to rest in him.
Dean Price
You will forever be inspirational parents to us all. We are with you on this journey. Alex will forever be in my heart.
Miss Alicia and Family
You will always be his mother and he will always be your son. Those bonds can never be broken. Thank you for sharing your heart with all of us. Alex and his family have touched more hearts in Californa than you could imagine.
The Slaters
I cannot even begin to imagine your suffering, though my mother has endured a similar loss and I have heard her describe her pain. My sister died in infancy of spina bifida. Mentally she was perfectly normal...but there was nothing they could do for her condition. I think she lived maybe 6 months. No doubt it is in many ways worse to lose a child with whom you have enjoyed many years of joy and laughter. There should be a law of nature that dictates that children simply cannot die.
There is nothing more agonizing in this world than burying a child. The whole meaning of life is disrupted by such an act and the core of our being rebels against it. Even though I do not know you and you do not know me, we are both mothers... parents... of boys we love infinitely, unconditionally, and without ceasing.
When my father died, his spirit lingered in my room for about two weeks, or so my nanny tells it -- things would be moved that I could not touch...she'd hear me laughing and giggling the way I laughed and giggled only for him (I was supposed to be napping). I suspect he just needed to make sure I was going to be okay.
So perhaps there is some possibility you will see signs of Alex's spirit-presence if you look for them. I have no doubt that he knows your grief, misses you, and wants to ease your suffering if he can. I hope you can find some small comfort in that.
I also encourage you, as you are able, to ask yourselves a very brave and difficult question: what lesson did I need to learn that only this loss could teach me?
It is one I still struggle with regarding my father's death. I was only a year old. I never knew him. And yet I miss him and feel his loss every single day.
Please know my thoughts and sympathies are with you.
~ Pat
You are extraordinary, all of you. I cant begin to express how your posts have changed me, and amazed me. How blessed you were to have Alex for a son, and how blessed he was to have you. I am too numb to cry for you now, but I know I will. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Thank you so much for sharing this profoundly moving experience with me and so many others. I'll never be the same.
Much love,
Melinda McGrath
I am terribly, deeply sorry. Your experiences are what I fear most. The only source of comfort I have to offer is found within a paradigm that is best presented in the book, _Journey of Souls_ by Michael Newton. I've given copies to friends and relatives and all have found that it significantly eased the pain of losing a loved one. I can't imagine that it, or anything else, could ever make it okay to lose one's beloved child, but it does help to understand why and learn to see the beauty within such awful tragedy.
I truly hope not to offend you, but Alex's death, like his life, was very likely an extraordinary gift - a dreadfully powerful gift, the nature of which may take the rest of your lives to understand. Please, read the book, if not for yourselves, then for Zoe. It has been a tremendous help for me and the people I care about, and so I am morally obligated to point it out to you.
You will see Alex again, and in happier circumstances. I wish you the best in finding some semblance of peace after this catastrophic loss.
And thank you for sharing. I'm glad Alex was born to parents who loved him so.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and yours.
A Friend
We are so glad that we were able to meet Alex and experience his joy. He will always be in our hearts. You are all in our thoughts.
Love, Byron, Genevieve, Jackson and Olivia
In the dark hours to come, try and remember, Only the dead are forever young...
Gwen
How I wish I could be there to offer what little I can in your time of sorrow. I can't imagine the pain you are feeling. I look at my little girl and honestly cannot imagine. My tears are uncontronable as I think of your lose. My prayers and thoughts are with Alex, you, Steve, and Zoe.
I do want to thank you for reminding us what is important. I think I tell my daughter that I love her enough. But, there are times of silence that can be filled with a simple I love you. There may not be a tomorrow. We should all tell everyone we care about today that we love them.
S, G, & ZG,
Although I can't be there in person, I am always with you in spirit. I will always remember the brief time I got to spend with the most wonderful soul. I will be praying for you and everyone else who loved YOUR SON. I know he is smiling down on you right now, as I am smiling to have been able to know such an amazing young man.
Our love always,
M&M Doodha
Gwen and Steve,
I have not had the courage to write before as the journey your family has taken and continues to take is beyond my comprehension. I feel inadequate to offer comfort and hope. I can't imagine the emotions and the depth of your loss because my mind won't let me fully go there. I can only hope to give you some comfort; and let you know that you and Alex are loved and supported and will continue to be.
I do know some things. I know you are Steve are Alex's parents and will always be his parents. I also know you are amazing. Your (and Alex's) strength, resiliency, and love have awed me as you go through this journey
I believe Spirit and love do not die. They are and always will be. Alex lives in you and us. He and you have taught me so much. You and Alex have been in my thoughts and prayers and will continue to be.
Love,
Suzan McGrath
I so enjoyed my time with Alex and will never forget him. A wonderful boy with many amazing attributes. Here are just a few of the things I Learned from Alex:
1) to remember to smile, even
during the rough times
2) to believe that anything is
possible
3) to never stop fighting for
what you believe in
4) to not be afraid to tell
others what you need
5) to take it easy when you need
to
6) to hold those you love near
and dear
7) to be whomever you want, even
if its Spiderman
8) to keep a sense of humor
about life
9) to do what you love
10) to do whatever you do with
love and passion.
Peace and love Gwen, Steve, and Zoe, along with family,friends, and the community of lives touched by Alex.
Sue Coffey
Gwen,
I worked at McKesson in the Newton department and I followed your heartbreaking yet uplifting story. You are such an amazingly strong woman. May your strength continue to carry you through your mourning, and may you celebrate Alex's life and remember how beautiful he was. My thoughts and prayers are with you all. God Bless you.
Ellie Brady
Gwen: As I walked home yesterday from the service, my eyes followed the balloons as they sailed up toward the heavens...they were traveling up so high and became such tiny specks, but the colors remained bright and vibrant in the grey snowy sky. Today is Sunday. I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and the words and stories that people shared yesterday are resounding through my ears and all my thoughts. It was a wonderful celebration of Alex's life. Much love to you all, Heather
I am thinking of you today and this week...HUGS and love,
Jo-Nell
You are all in my thoughts so many times every day. I wish I could have been there last weekend. I hope that you found some comfort from your friends and family as you now hold on to the celebration of Alex's life. Take care and be gentle with yourselves.
Hugs from Karlyn
Gwen and Steve,
I have not fancy words and I certainly have no advice...just beautiful memories!
I am just heart broken for you both and Zoe Grace. Please know that I feel so very blessed to have been given the chance to know Alexander... Thank you for sharing him with me this summer! I really enjoyed my time with your brilliant boy! His smile and laugh will be forever etched in my heart. Just for the record, Alex used to tell me I was funny! I loved that! He knew how to make those around him feel great!
Some memories I want to share:
I remember stepping out my front door one evening and looking over to your yard. There, on your front lawn sat Steve and Alexander. It was such a beautiful thing to see the pair enjoying each others company, relaxing before the sun went down.
I remember watching you Gwen, doing everything within your power to make Alexander comfortable and happy. You amazed me every single day... You were 100% devoted to making Alex's days wonderful and I was inspired at your ability to not focus on yourself.
A favorite memory within the last month or so was on a Sunday evening. Zoe was playing in my yard on her little slide and Alex had just moved out to the front porch with Esther. I looked up and Alex had managed to prop himself up to look over the porch side. He was "spying" on Zoe and I. He was so full of life. I remember thinking, "He can not be sick! He looks so healthy! Look at that curious grin!"
He was truly one of a kind!
God Bless you all!
With much love!
Heather
Thinking of you all today. Our picture from Alex's amazing birthday party at the Aquarium is displayed front and center on our refrigerator, and I like to look at it and see Alex giving a great Spidey web-throwing pose.
~Annie
I came over from Becky's site and just wanted to express how sorry I am that you and your family have had to lose Alex at such a young age. You will always be his mother and he will always be your son.
Oh Gwen and Steve my loves, we miss you and wish we had something that would ease your pain--how obvious a statement is that!?!
You may find it very hard to get out of bed in the coming weeks and Zoe will not want to bother you too much I bet. Besides, she'll be feeling her own grief and fear and likely will feel she must keep it to herself rather than add to your burdens. She won't have the words to express herself either. And this is when you both need her more than ever--she is the best reason of all for you two to stay strong as a family. The 3 of you together are the family that raised Alex, and Zoe deserves to be raised with the same love and devotion for the rest of her life. And you two deserve to continue to be loved and adored as parents by the child you have now, living and thriving under your very wings. I am sure her brother's disappearance is scary as hell and raising a few questions about her parents' staying power (i.e., might they just die and disappear?). Words can't keep that from happening. You've got to show her, with lots and lots of love and attention, that she and the two of you still make up a strong family with a strong bond. And, frankly, this applies to you, Steve, and you, Gwen, too: You've got to show each other and yourselves, with lots and lots of love and attention, that the two of you and Zoe still make up a strong family with a strong bond. Why am I rattling on when g-d knows you could care less about all this stuff you already know? I guess because it's drying up my tears so I can go back to work. The day Alex died, I told someone I work with that I would be in late because I need time to absorb it and talk with friends. Later that man apologized if he was brusque with me about it (he wasn't) but when he was 14 his 13 year old brother died of cancer and he was painfully reminded of it. I believe his mother withdrew after that. In other words, his brother had a mother all of his life, but he did not. And, his mother lost both of her own children, including one unnecessarily; namely the child she ceased mothering but who was very much alive. Finally, his mother lost herself and the family lost itself because the marriage is the soul of the family. You two have a soul all your own. Wrap it up around yourselves, stay close, talk, Do Not Retreat if you can help it because that silent alone place is where the poison lives--I know all about that, trust me. I cannot see either of you living your lives that way so I just hope I'm scaring you enough that you can keep connected and bring up Zoe and any other children you may have some day (don't dwell on that now) as a family that Alex, checking in on you as I believe he will, will be glad to be a member of.
Mucho love, Beryl These are my opinions only. I doubt David would say anything like this. Too girly. XXX
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