Hi all, today marks the end of 21 weeks without Alexander. I have to say the days since my last post have been quite trying for me. Last Tuesday I got hit with a triple whammy. It was the five month anniversary of Alex's passing; I met with my personal therapist and attended the hospital's parent support group. At the group, we shared the video our neighbor made for Alex's Memorial Service. I had seen it a few days prior, for the first time since the service, but it was Steve's first time to see it since then. Watching this wonderful video of our beautiful boy over his five years was excruciating for me. It makes my skin ache to hold and touch him. I know it was hard for Steve as well. He did not speak at all during the session.
After Linda left, my body immediately fell ill. I was knocked out by a bad cold, sinus infection etc. When I started to feel better, Steve and I worked in the yard the entire weekend. We have started a "rainbow garden" for Alex. As a result of all of the hard work done in the yard, come Monday, I threw out my back buckling ZG into her carseat. So I was down and out for about 2 days, then very tentative with all other activities up until yesterday. I finally got back to my workouts yesterday morning after two weeks. It felt good even though it did almost kill me.
So last Thursday, I had a job interview with three Realtors in the neighborhood. They were looking to hire an assistant. I just found out a couple of hours ago, that they chose someone else for the job. I was a Realtor, when Steve met me, and I loved helping others find their homes. It was a dream job for me. I knew, when I moved, that I did not have the contacts nor the knowledge of the area to become a Realtor here (besides the competition is fierce and the market well-saturated). The assistant job was full-time and I did have some anxiety about the time commitment but really started getting excited about the prospect. So now that I know I did not get this one, I think I will try something else. I have always wanted to start a "home staging" career. You know, making a home appealing to buyers via design. Well, if I can stay on this up swing, I want to put together a brochure, print up some biz cards and start working the market. I love interior design and ,while I don't have a degree, I do have some skill and I feel I could do a great job. So send me some good mojo and the energy to make it happen!!
Another thing that is helping me get out of the funk of the past few weeks is Zoe's bday. Zoe will have her birthday over the weekend and I love throwing parties. So I now have a project that is helping me keep busy and focus on the positive. I just hope the weather holds out for us. It is supposed to snow this Thursday and Friday! I know I am ready for the warmer, Spring like temps of the season!
I also want to thank our friends that have opened their homes and hearts to us over the weekend. You may not know it, but spending time with your families, has really made a huge difference to my emotional state. So thank you!! It was great seeing Zoe play with her new and old friends, and laugh, and be happy. I know she misses her brother so much, and feels very lonely at times; so it is great when she can socialize with other kids. And even better, when Steve and I can have fun too!
Okay, well tonight is the 8th out of 9 parent support group sessions. I really, really don't enjoy these sessions. You see, while I am learning something about grief, I endure hearing about some truly horrific tragedies of the other parents. The only reason I continue to go is because I want to support these mothers (and one father). I truly do care about them and their families. I also get to hear Steve's side of the story and his struggles/opinions during these groups. But, all that said, I won't miss them when they are gone (the sessions, that is, not the people).
Okay, well, I should end this. I want you all to know that your comments really help me through my days. Please keep them coming. Somehow knowing that I am not alone and that our experience is shared with persons, known and unknown, keeps me going. I think of you all often.
God bless,
Love,
G
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3 comments:
Gwen,
I am also excited about a new job choice, and it is so invigorating, isn't it? I am sending you lots of good staging vibes and energy, and I hope you can see it to fruition. It is definitely an art that not everyone has (including me!), so there has to be a market for it.
I can see how the sessions would be helpful but draining and excruciating as well. During the grief process it may sometimes be comforting to be around others that are grieving, but I can see how you wouldn't want to get to bogged down with other people's grief as well.
These bouts of colder weather are becoming few and far between--warm, sunny weather is almost here for a long while!
Hi, Gwendolyn, I'm sorry I don't send you more messages, I always read your blog but sometimes I don't know what to say. I was so excited when I read the blog about your honeymoon. It was so great to see pics of you and Steve enjoying the beauty of life again. But I am selfish, and I want you to be at peace all the time so I can feel more comfortable, and I know it's not that easy. Well, it's damn hard to say the least. You guys are amazing people. I don't know how you are able to keep going after your heart has been torn to pieces. Somehow you do it, and it is so inspiring to me. Even your hardest days are astounding to me. I am amazed by your strength and courage. You should go for it with the staging business. I believe you can do anything. I hope you all are still planning to come to Washigton this summer. I would love to see you and ZG.
love,
joy
Hi G, typing w 1 hand, holding teething fussy baby. I can't believe it's been 5 mo. I know my aunt who lost a child told me how sad it makes her that people are afraid to bring up her daughter because they don't want to remind her she's gone. She said there's no forgetting it, and she welcomes any opportunity to talk about her. ALways know that we'll be here to listen. We love hearing about him, seeing his pictures, his memory makes me hug my kids tighter and longer. I know I keep telling you this, but it's true. Love and prayers from the Wolfs
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