Hi Everyone. Today marks the 12th week we have been without our dear Alexander. I could tell last night that Steve was upset and I asked him what was going on. He said, "I read the blog." I asked, "which one?" and he replied, "all of it, to March." Immediately my head screamed "why would you do that? What would possess anyone to torment themselves like that." Luckily I refrained from expressing this sentiment out loud and later he explained that he was downloading the pages and just started reading. I can't imagine how I would deal with such a thing. And to top it off, Steve brought in a box from the porch and announced that "you have a package." I thought it was a gift or something then I remembered that the video company that made a DVD of Alex's Memorial Service would arrive soon and put 2 and 2 together. The DVD has a beautiful picture of Alex on the front cover and just seeing that incredible smile sent my mind spinning.
So needless to say, today has been a hard day for Steve. I on the other hand had the blessing of walking into ZG's school this morning and seeing Alex's teacher from 4 months to 2.5 years standing there. She moved to Hawaii a few months ago and I just loved seeing her beautiful face. I think we both started crying immediately. I then asked her out for a cup of tea and we spent the next hour catching up and just touching base. She is such a dear person, it was so great to hear that she is doing well and finding joy in her life. Either she or the extra cup of Joe got my blood going and I was enlivened to get moving on one of the many projects to honor Alex that I have been putting off. I think the first one will to publish the book we wrote and illustrated together. It is a wonderful tale and I can't wait to share it with the world.
Last night I spent some time on Oprah's website in the online classroom for "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle. It was an incredible experience but I really need to finish reading the book to get the most out of it. Anyway the first note I took was this: "What does LIFE want from me?" Oprah talked about how she prays on bended knee for God to use her. This really touched me in a very special way. Instead of figuring out what I want from LIFE, perhaps I should ask LIFE what it wants from me and see what happens. I am excited to get that going. I just have to find a few moments of silence and stillness to make that happen. Much easier said than done, as any parent can tell you!!!
Another comment that touched me last night was trying to "be like a babe" as we experience our lives. This morning ZG woke up and we went straight to the potty. She did her biz then got off and went for the TP. Then I hear, "TOILET PAPER!!" It was like she had found the most amazing, most beautiful thing on earth. Her enthusiasm over toilet paper was remarkable and I immediately thought of how it would be to experience everything that way. Can you imagine if we walked into our jobs and said "TELEPHONE!! or FAX MACHINE!!!" and awed at the incredible technology we have at our fingertips these days? I am still in awe of my new BlackBerry and even do find myself saying "Cool!!" when I figure something new out!!
So I guess that is the point of this entry. To remind ourselves that this world is full of wonder. Even those every day people, items and places can help us experience the world again for the first time. I know Alex helped me do that every day. I also know that the beauty of my boy will never fade for me and Steve. And that is just one of our blessings.
Love and God bless,
G
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6 comments:
What a great reminder! Thank you for always sharing your lessons... What does life want from me? I can't quite imagine walking into my job and saying, "MIDDLE SCHOOLERS!" :)
Love ya!
Heather
Gwen,
My husband and I went to college with Steve and although I've never posted a comment before, we have followed your journey. Thank you for reminding me to be always thankful for my blessings. I appreciate you honesty and am pondering your question of what life wants from me. Maybe someday we can meet you and Zoe and reunited with a friend from long ago. Thank you again for continuing to share your life's journey. We continue to pray for you and your family.
God's blessings,
Angie Quinn
HI Gwen!
It's nice to know that somebody I know is also reading the same book that I am reading right now. I also went online last night but did not get to finish the online show about the book coz my husband told me I was playing it too loud! Grrr...
It is also nice to see your glowing face everyday!!! Really you seem to be glowing! What's up with that?!
Thanks for this blog. By sharing all your thoughts and feelings, I am definitely appreciating life more than I used to. Hats off to you!!!
Ms. Grace
MAC
Thanks for the update Gwen - glad to hear that things are moving along for your family even if not always as easily as we'd like.
I found the first year after Ben died to be a very trying time filled with countless milestones - first Valentine's Day, first Easter and so on. I spent so much time moving from holiday to holiday in preparation for the anniversary of his death that I missed celebrating all the memories of his life. Every family that we've spoken with has shared this same feeling of counting off days and I guess it's a helpful way to keep yourself moving. We're coming up on the second anniversary later this month. I wouldn't say that it's any easier, but I have found myself spending more time remembering Ben then I do figuring out how long it's been since he died.
Please remember that you're not alone. Take advantage of the Colors of Healing program at Children's and we'd love to get together with you, Steve and ZG now that things are settling in a bit.
Still sending all our love to you.
Hi Gwen -
Your postings are beautiful, the expression of your emotions is touching. Counting our blessings is so important - when such a huge blessing is taken away and it leaves this gaping hole in our hearts, I believe it opens us up to give and receive more love. You are doing that so well, even as your mourn your precious son.
We are planning the 3rd Steps-n-Strides 5K run/walk for June 1 this year and would love to have you and Steve and Zoe as our guests. The race raises money for pediatric brain tumor research. It would be great to have you come and walk in Alex's memory.
Praying for peace and strength for you and Steve and Zoe.
Julie O'Connell
Kyle O'Connell Foundation
Wow, is all I can say. Your strength and inspiration on how to live life, properly and to the fullest, never ceases to amaze me. Thanks. I will have this baby soon and now Alex and all will be watching :)
Love,
Susan
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