Thursday August 10th

Well today started off pretty well. Alex was in good (not great) spirits this morning even though it was "chemo day". Today was a vincristine only day. Which means Alex forgoes the carboplatin which takes at least two hours to administer. Sounds like an easy day huh?

Well, last night during Alex's fettucini alfredo dinner, we noticed (hard not to) that he was aspirating with almost every bite. He did not even finish his kid size portion! When the nurse found out about this she seemed very concerned. She asked if this was new. At the first meeting we had with Dr. Handler, he heard Alex clear his throat while drinking. Later, it was explained to us that liquids were difficult because they did not have any weight to them. Solids were not a problem and we were encouraged to get a thickening agent for Alex's milk and water consumption. I never did this because we just changed his flow valve on this sippy cups from fast to slow and he did much better. That is until yesterday when he had such a hard time eating.

This could explain why he has not had an appetite lately. Anyway, the nurse said symptoms should not be getting worse and that most likely they would need an MRI to see if the tumor was changing. Which means growing to me! This whole ordeal began at TCH with a MRI. I know that is where Alex's trauma began and the thought of putting him through that so soon kills me. Not to mention the thought that the tumor is growing and causing more problems! The nurse also said that they may want to put a G-tube down his nose to his stomach to get nourishment to him or even put a tube in his side for the same purpose. Neither of these options sounds good to me! I want my boy to eat. Eat like he used to eat. I remember being in awe of his appetite at times. We never worried about Alex not getting enough nutrition. He's always been a good eater, even though it goes in phases like most kids. He'd eat well for a week then kinda taper off the next and so on and so forth.

My prayer now is that this new symptom of aspirating on solids is not because of the tumor. I just don't know enough to know what else it could be. Alex's doctor, Dr. Foreman, is visiting family in Britain and is scheduled to return next week. With the events of today, I pray that he makes it home safe and sound. In the meantime, the nurse ordered the MRI and a speech evaluation which will decide on a swallow evaluation. The nurse thinks speech therapy will help Alex eat easier. We are more than willing to give it a try.

I'm really trying hard not to get upset about this new development, but I think it's too late. My mind is reeling and my heart is heavy. To top it off, I have been called back for a second mammogram. The appointment confirmation call said to plan to be there an hour and a half to two hours. The first one took thirty minutes and this is kinda freaking me out. The only saving grace here is that my mom and good friend, Jane, told me to expect a call back due to the fact that this is my first mammogram and the size factor. So I'm doing my best to just be calm and not worry. What good would it do anyway? I still believe in that loving and MERCIFUL God!!!

And just in case that was not enough, tomorrow is Alex and Zoe's last school day. They will return next Monday and Tuesday for childcare during the school's in-service week, but tomorrow is the last day each child will be with the friends they have known their entire lives. I plan to bring a large cake to celebrate the occasion but I will be very sad to pack up their things tomorrow. This school means so much to me. I absolutely adore the staff, the parents and the kids are incredible! The community support has been overwhelming and I hope that Zoe will return when this is all over, but for the time being she'll just have to put up with me during the days. Poor girl!

If anyone is interested in starting a babysitting coop with me, I'd love to hear from you. I still need to go to work at least half a day a week and it would be nice to have Zoe with someone while we are at chemo on Thursdays. The chemo room is no place for a 15 month old.

Okay, well I must say, my plate is full. Another "chemo mom", Kathy, told me today to do anything I can to "not take on one more thing". Those words are wise and I'm trying but it is nearly impossible at this time of transition. Maybe someday soon, we'll get used to this new life.

One thing I've done to make life easier is to sign up for my first dream dinners session. Steve and I picked out 6 recipes and the idea is that you go and assemble the meal from prepared ingredients, box it up and freeze it at home. If this works out, then my grocery shopping, cleaning and meal planning will all be drastically reduced. My first session is next Wednesday night and I'm excited just to get out of the house, do something without kids and be around other adults.

Okay, well that is the post for today. Please don't stop sending those comments and prayers our way. We need each and everyone of you!

God Bless.
G