So last night I had a dream. Alex and I were on vacation and I think Steve was working on this vacation, because we talked about meeting him "after work." Alex still had cancer but it was not terminal and he was quite active. I remember we went swimming, sight seeing and bought souvenirs from a very rude clerk. Anyway, I was so happy. I felt so much joy and delight in every moment of this dream. Alex made me laugh, like he always did, and it was just an incredible experience.
Unfortunately, all good things must end and this dream ended when this thought popped into my head - "how is Alex here, if he is dead?" and just as soon as that thought came to me, Alex was gone. When I told Steve about it this morning, I started crying (like now). I think the sadness comes from remembering the feeling of being with Alex. He always brought joy and laughter, smiles and amazement to my world. Oh, I miss him so much. So very, very much.
Sorry this post was such a downer. I just wanted to document this event so that I never forget.
Love and God Bless,
G
Friday, March 07, 2008
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
Tuesday, March 4, 2008 - Three Months Today
Hi Everyone. Today marks the 12th week we have been without our dear Alexander. I could tell last night that Steve was upset and I asked him what was going on. He said, "I read the blog." I asked, "which one?" and he replied, "all of it, to March." Immediately my head screamed "why would you do that? What would possess anyone to torment themselves like that." Luckily I refrained from expressing this sentiment out loud and later he explained that he was downloading the pages and just started reading. I can't imagine how I would deal with such a thing. And to top it off, Steve brought in a box from the porch and announced that "you have a package." I thought it was a gift or something then I remembered that the video company that made a DVD of Alex's Memorial Service would arrive soon and put 2 and 2 together. The DVD has a beautiful picture of Alex on the front cover and just seeing that incredible smile sent my mind spinning.
So needless to say, today has been a hard day for Steve. I on the other hand had the blessing of walking into ZG's school this morning and seeing Alex's teacher from 4 months to 2.5 years standing there. She moved to Hawaii a few months ago and I just loved seeing her beautiful face. I think we both started crying immediately. I then asked her out for a cup of tea and we spent the next hour catching up and just touching base. She is such a dear person, it was so great to hear that she is doing well and finding joy in her life. Either she or the extra cup of Joe got my blood going and I was enlivened to get moving on one of the many projects to honor Alex that I have been putting off. I think the first one will to publish the book we wrote and illustrated together. It is a wonderful tale and I can't wait to share it with the world.
Last night I spent some time on Oprah's website in the online classroom for "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle. It was an incredible experience but I really need to finish reading the book to get the most out of it. Anyway the first note I took was this: "What does LIFE want from me?" Oprah talked about how she prays on bended knee for God to use her. This really touched me in a very special way. Instead of figuring out what I want from LIFE, perhaps I should ask LIFE what it wants from me and see what happens. I am excited to get that going. I just have to find a few moments of silence and stillness to make that happen. Much easier said than done, as any parent can tell you!!!
Another comment that touched me last night was trying to "be like a babe" as we experience our lives. This morning ZG woke up and we went straight to the potty. She did her biz then got off and went for the TP. Then I hear, "TOILET PAPER!!" It was like she had found the most amazing, most beautiful thing on earth. Her enthusiasm over toilet paper was remarkable and I immediately thought of how it would be to experience everything that way. Can you imagine if we walked into our jobs and said "TELEPHONE!! or FAX MACHINE!!!" and awed at the incredible technology we have at our fingertips these days? I am still in awe of my new BlackBerry and even do find myself saying "Cool!!" when I figure something new out!!
So I guess that is the point of this entry. To remind ourselves that this world is full of wonder. Even those every day people, items and places can help us experience the world again for the first time. I know Alex helped me do that every day. I also know that the beauty of my boy will never fade for me and Steve. And that is just one of our blessings.
Love and God bless,
G
So needless to say, today has been a hard day for Steve. I on the other hand had the blessing of walking into ZG's school this morning and seeing Alex's teacher from 4 months to 2.5 years standing there. She moved to Hawaii a few months ago and I just loved seeing her beautiful face. I think we both started crying immediately. I then asked her out for a cup of tea and we spent the next hour catching up and just touching base. She is such a dear person, it was so great to hear that she is doing well and finding joy in her life. Either she or the extra cup of Joe got my blood going and I was enlivened to get moving on one of the many projects to honor Alex that I have been putting off. I think the first one will to publish the book we wrote and illustrated together. It is a wonderful tale and I can't wait to share it with the world.
Last night I spent some time on Oprah's website in the online classroom for "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle. It was an incredible experience but I really need to finish reading the book to get the most out of it. Anyway the first note I took was this: "What does LIFE want from me?" Oprah talked about how she prays on bended knee for God to use her. This really touched me in a very special way. Instead of figuring out what I want from LIFE, perhaps I should ask LIFE what it wants from me and see what happens. I am excited to get that going. I just have to find a few moments of silence and stillness to make that happen. Much easier said than done, as any parent can tell you!!!
Another comment that touched me last night was trying to "be like a babe" as we experience our lives. This morning ZG woke up and we went straight to the potty. She did her biz then got off and went for the TP. Then I hear, "TOILET PAPER!!" It was like she had found the most amazing, most beautiful thing on earth. Her enthusiasm over toilet paper was remarkable and I immediately thought of how it would be to experience everything that way. Can you imagine if we walked into our jobs and said "TELEPHONE!! or FAX MACHINE!!!" and awed at the incredible technology we have at our fingertips these days? I am still in awe of my new BlackBerry and even do find myself saying "Cool!!" when I figure something new out!!
So I guess that is the point of this entry. To remind ourselves that this world is full of wonder. Even those every day people, items and places can help us experience the world again for the first time. I know Alex helped me do that every day. I also know that the beauty of my boy will never fade for me and Steve. And that is just one of our blessings.
Love and God bless,
G
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Thursday, Feb. 21, 2008 - Survived Vday
Hi everyone. Let's just cut to the chase. Valentine's day was a very hard day for me. Alex was present in so many ways. I missed him so much. I really wanted to buy him a Valentine's day card. I really wanted to make cupcakes with him and ZG. And I really wanted to kiss and hug him and tell him I love him. ZG and I made cupcakes and later in the afternoon we decorated them with our neighbors. Seeing Alex's best friend is hard sometimes because I am used to seeing her engage with Alex. So we made it through and now I can move on.
Zoe came home sick last Monday and once she was well, I got sick. I had a doctor's appointment Tuesday and he gave me the Z-pack for upper respiratory gunk. I'm just starting to feel a little better. Even though ZG was better, I kept her home all week. There's been a lot of illness in town and I felt it was the best choice.
Over the weekend we had a date with a wonderful couple that really know how to have fun. It was a blast and we really enjoyed our evening with grown ups!! We need to do that more often. At the end of the evening, the discussion turned serious and the following words came flowing out of my mouth.
"Alex gave us a challenge. He challenged us to find joy and live an authentic life. He challenged us to stop wishing and start doing! If you want health then go out and get health. If you want a satisfying, rewarding career then go out and get one or make one! If you want joy then go and find it and every second of every day; in every "bad thing" that happens there is joy!" I feel these words came from Alex and not me. And I really wanted to share them with you.
So I have some news!!! Steve and I are planning on taking our honeymoon. Yes, I know we have been married for seven years but it's never too late and we REALLY need it!! We hope to go to San Francisco, do the city thing then head for Napa/Sonoma areas then end the trip on the ocean at Mendicino. I am really excited about this and have decided to work out more often to really get myself in shape. I think the endorphines are starting to kick in and the pounds finally started to come off. YEAH!!
So I have to tell you all about Monday. Well instead of spending money on a dresser for our room, STeve and I decided we would take the one in the nursery and move ZG's stuff into the closet. This meant that Alex's clothes needed to be packed up. This was such a feat for me. I found myself bawling uncontrollably and smelling his clothes. I was upset because I did not want to "pack Alex away". It felt so wrong. Linda came in and saw how upset I was and suggested that I keep some of his clothes out or in a special box in the nursery. I agreed and picked out several of Alex's favorite things - Transformers, TMNT, Lightning McQueen and of course, Spiderman t-shirts. I kept one of this footie pajamas that are red and super soft and cuddly. I kept some of the clothes that we had pics of him in too. I felt better, but needless to say, I have not touched the rest of his stuff since.
Steve and I really want to move the playroom to the current dining room. I have so much anxiety about this task after Monday's experience. I would kindly like to ask for assistance. So if you are available sometime in the next week, can you please call me and perhaps help me pack up some of these toys, etc. I really need the help!
So my therapist said, "you are doing everything right." She was talking about working with Zoe to help her cope; planning a honeymoon; and working out and dieting to get the body I want. That was so validating to hear. I really felt good when she said that to me. She also told me that Alex's death was not a punishment for me. Rather it was simply a fact of life. That Alex and God had their own timetable and death is as much a part of life as is birth and living. She told me that the immortal gods of mythology always admired mortal man because they were able to value life. The Gods would live forever no matter what so this very moment had no significance. That is our blessing. Isn't that great?!
Okay, I have to go and get ready to pick up ZG. Her therapist said yesterday that she is seeing some improvement in Zoe's self worth, so that is good news.
Love you all, God bless!
G
Zoe came home sick last Monday and once she was well, I got sick. I had a doctor's appointment Tuesday and he gave me the Z-pack for upper respiratory gunk. I'm just starting to feel a little better. Even though ZG was better, I kept her home all week. There's been a lot of illness in town and I felt it was the best choice.
Over the weekend we had a date with a wonderful couple that really know how to have fun. It was a blast and we really enjoyed our evening with grown ups!! We need to do that more often. At the end of the evening, the discussion turned serious and the following words came flowing out of my mouth.
"Alex gave us a challenge. He challenged us to find joy and live an authentic life. He challenged us to stop wishing and start doing! If you want health then go out and get health. If you want a satisfying, rewarding career then go out and get one or make one! If you want joy then go and find it and every second of every day; in every "bad thing" that happens there is joy!" I feel these words came from Alex and not me. And I really wanted to share them with you.
So I have some news!!! Steve and I are planning on taking our honeymoon. Yes, I know we have been married for seven years but it's never too late and we REALLY need it!! We hope to go to San Francisco, do the city thing then head for Napa/Sonoma areas then end the trip on the ocean at Mendicino. I am really excited about this and have decided to work out more often to really get myself in shape. I think the endorphines are starting to kick in and the pounds finally started to come off. YEAH!!
So I have to tell you all about Monday. Well instead of spending money on a dresser for our room, STeve and I decided we would take the one in the nursery and move ZG's stuff into the closet. This meant that Alex's clothes needed to be packed up. This was such a feat for me. I found myself bawling uncontrollably and smelling his clothes. I was upset because I did not want to "pack Alex away". It felt so wrong. Linda came in and saw how upset I was and suggested that I keep some of his clothes out or in a special box in the nursery. I agreed and picked out several of Alex's favorite things - Transformers, TMNT, Lightning McQueen and of course, Spiderman t-shirts. I kept one of this footie pajamas that are red and super soft and cuddly. I kept some of the clothes that we had pics of him in too. I felt better, but needless to say, I have not touched the rest of his stuff since.
Steve and I really want to move the playroom to the current dining room. I have so much anxiety about this task after Monday's experience. I would kindly like to ask for assistance. So if you are available sometime in the next week, can you please call me and perhaps help me pack up some of these toys, etc. I really need the help!
So my therapist said, "you are doing everything right." She was talking about working with Zoe to help her cope; planning a honeymoon; and working out and dieting to get the body I want. That was so validating to hear. I really felt good when she said that to me. She also told me that Alex's death was not a punishment for me. Rather it was simply a fact of life. That Alex and God had their own timetable and death is as much a part of life as is birth and living. She told me that the immortal gods of mythology always admired mortal man because they were able to value life. The Gods would live forever no matter what so this very moment had no significance. That is our blessing. Isn't that great?!
Okay, I have to go and get ready to pick up ZG. Her therapist said yesterday that she is seeing some improvement in Zoe's self worth, so that is good news.
Love you all, God bless!
G
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Wednesday, Feb. 13th, 2008
Good Morning. So much has happened and I have meant to write to you all but life is busy. So far the gym membership is being used but the pounds are not coming off. I guess that is to be expected? I heard about this cardiofree diet/exercise program and if this continues I may just move on to that. All of these classes make me hungry and since it is still pretty new I am not getting those much loved endorphins yet!!! That usually takes me at least 2 weeks. So I'll hang with this for a while.
Besides that the new med levels are doing there job and I can function these days. I may have to stop drinking though (note the non-committal "may")!! I have always been super sensitive to my drinking since my father abused alcohol. I was feeling pretty cocky since I had attended a couple of events and handled the alcohol very well. This past Saturday though, I went to one of those "slumber parties" for women only. You know the kind, with all of the "fun" toys, lotions and potions. Well I did not eat before going and just kept pouring myself more and more wine. Needless to say, I remember bawling during my ordering session and then pretty much everything else is a blur. I did not drive, for the record. I woke up in the middle of the night with all of my clothes on and Steve was very perturbed with me. Luckily I had drank alot of water during my wine glasses so the hang over wasn't too bad. It just made me think. If I am blacking out and stumbling drunk then there is definitely some alcohol abuse going on here. I really don't know what to do about this. I think I will just bring it up in the next counseling session. If you were with me Saturday night, I apologize profusely for my behavior. As a forty-something adult, I should be better at this than I am currently. Please forgive me.
So about a week ago, Zoe's teacher called a PT conference. She told us Zoe was not doing well in the classroom. She indicated that Zoe was disconnected and uncommunicative in the class. She also was not engaging the older children (as is desired) rather she was working more with the younger kids. I could not believe my ears. I remember during the summer, Zoe's teacher telling me "Zoe is bound for greatness, she just won't accept anything else!" So our very talkative, engaged daughter was a different child away from us. We knew she could be shy, but not to this extent. ZG's play therapist said it sounded like ZG was "fear based" in the classroom and that she just needed to be held close then encouraged to explore and engage. I can't tell you how upsetting this is to me. Personally, I think she does not want to engage with the older children because the last time she became attached to an older child (her brother) he disappeared and that is very sad to her.
Steve and I are thinking about redoing the arrangement of the house. Reducing the clutter in the play room and switching it with the dining room. This way ZG will be in the same part of the house as we are in most often and more contact will be likely. We also have to reduce her TV watching. You see when Alex was sick, they watched alot of TV together. Alex could not run and play so this was a shared activity for them. Also, towards the end of Alex's life, most of our attention was "used up" by his care. Fortunately, our dear friends and family made a concerted effort to help out with ZG. Nevertheless, she did spend alot of time in front of the TV. So that will be changing soon.
Okay, I just wanted to put these things out there. I will write soon, but until then please take the time to tell the ones you love how you feel! Tomorrow is a great opportunity to do so!
Love and hugs! God bless!
G
Besides that the new med levels are doing there job and I can function these days. I may have to stop drinking though (note the non-committal "may")!! I have always been super sensitive to my drinking since my father abused alcohol. I was feeling pretty cocky since I had attended a couple of events and handled the alcohol very well. This past Saturday though, I went to one of those "slumber parties" for women only. You know the kind, with all of the "fun" toys, lotions and potions. Well I did not eat before going and just kept pouring myself more and more wine. Needless to say, I remember bawling during my ordering session and then pretty much everything else is a blur. I did not drive, for the record. I woke up in the middle of the night with all of my clothes on and Steve was very perturbed with me. Luckily I had drank alot of water during my wine glasses so the hang over wasn't too bad. It just made me think. If I am blacking out and stumbling drunk then there is definitely some alcohol abuse going on here. I really don't know what to do about this. I think I will just bring it up in the next counseling session. If you were with me Saturday night, I apologize profusely for my behavior. As a forty-something adult, I should be better at this than I am currently. Please forgive me.
So about a week ago, Zoe's teacher called a PT conference. She told us Zoe was not doing well in the classroom. She indicated that Zoe was disconnected and uncommunicative in the class. She also was not engaging the older children (as is desired) rather she was working more with the younger kids. I could not believe my ears. I remember during the summer, Zoe's teacher telling me "Zoe is bound for greatness, she just won't accept anything else!" So our very talkative, engaged daughter was a different child away from us. We knew she could be shy, but not to this extent. ZG's play therapist said it sounded like ZG was "fear based" in the classroom and that she just needed to be held close then encouraged to explore and engage. I can't tell you how upsetting this is to me. Personally, I think she does not want to engage with the older children because the last time she became attached to an older child (her brother) he disappeared and that is very sad to her.
Steve and I are thinking about redoing the arrangement of the house. Reducing the clutter in the play room and switching it with the dining room. This way ZG will be in the same part of the house as we are in most often and more contact will be likely. We also have to reduce her TV watching. You see when Alex was sick, they watched alot of TV together. Alex could not run and play so this was a shared activity for them. Also, towards the end of Alex's life, most of our attention was "used up" by his care. Fortunately, our dear friends and family made a concerted effort to help out with ZG. Nevertheless, she did spend alot of time in front of the TV. So that will be changing soon.
Okay, I just wanted to put these things out there. I will write soon, but until then please take the time to tell the ones you love how you feel! Tomorrow is a great opportunity to do so!
Love and hugs! God bless!
G
Saturday, February 02, 2008
February 2, 2008 - Groundhog day
Hi all. So things are not as dark as they had been these days. Getting off the sleeping meds really seemed to help. I also FINALLY found a therapist I like and believe can really help me through this. I can't tell you what a relief that is!! She told me that I need to solicit friends to get me out of the house those 10 minutes each day. So if you are interested, please let me know. She also suggested that I start journaling. You see I am GREAT at holding in/pushing down/ stuffing my feelings (no wonder I carry so much extra weight, huh?). She explained that while that "survival strategy" worked in my childhood that it was doing me a great disservice these days. The weight and power of this ball of emotion in my gut has been overwhelming at times. I am so fearful of its depth and pain so I just keep it all bundled up tight inside. I have not done the journaling yet but know it will be a useful tool when I do.
She also wants me to get on a schedule. I have been trying so hard not to take on any "projects" that would divert me from my healing. She explained that this was not a good strategy either. That I need a project, preferably one that will honor Alex. I have several ideas, so we'll see where they lead.
STeve and I are really having a very, very hard time. We find ourselves needing comfort that the other person is just not able to offer. It is a very lonely feeling. We have gone out the last two Friday nights and said alot of things that needed to be said. I am hopeful that we will survive "the most divisive hardship a marriage will ever face" but if we don't; we are dedicated to giving it all we can.
Zoe is doing okay. In her last play therapy session she expressed a need for a cohesive family moving in the same direction (can you say WOW!!). She also expressed some anxiety as well as did a lot of Mom nurturing play. She is very worried about me. This stuff is just amazing. Children never cease to be awe-inspiring, do they?
So we had a girls' night out this past week. I actually had a very good time and thoroughly enjoyed my time with some incredible women! We call ourselves the "Dazzling Dames" and wear tiaras during all of our gatherings. If you have never tried wearing a tiara during your day, I highly recommend it! It really does change how you walk and feel about yourself. So go and celebrate your inner Princess! Then tell me about it, please! I am planning another event for February, so if you see a bunch of women wearing tiaras come by and say "hello". My counselor said I have to do more of this kind of thing. I told her I felt bad not spending time with ZG and Steve. She explained that right now I need to take time for myself so I can be a good wife and mother. So I guess once again, I need to call on my support system.
Steve and I have also joined the local gym. I love doing aerobic classes and am very much looking forward to having endorphines coursing through my body. Steve also found a yoga class nearby that we started last Saturday and will continue to do together for 5 more weeks. I miss yoga but left the first class in a horrible mood. The instructor really pissed me off somehow and I was just plain old MAD! Luckily, she was not going to be our instructor for the remaining sessions. I have NEVER left yoga in anything resembling a sour mood, so this really threw me for a loop. Nevertheless, I am going back in an hour and very hopeful that I will leave in a better mood!!
Okay, well that is the update. The tears are still there every day. At least now I can start to imagine that one day I will be able to anticipate joy in my life. That is HUGE!!!
God bless!
G
She also wants me to get on a schedule. I have been trying so hard not to take on any "projects" that would divert me from my healing. She explained that this was not a good strategy either. That I need a project, preferably one that will honor Alex. I have several ideas, so we'll see where they lead.
STeve and I are really having a very, very hard time. We find ourselves needing comfort that the other person is just not able to offer. It is a very lonely feeling. We have gone out the last two Friday nights and said alot of things that needed to be said. I am hopeful that we will survive "the most divisive hardship a marriage will ever face" but if we don't; we are dedicated to giving it all we can.
Zoe is doing okay. In her last play therapy session she expressed a need for a cohesive family moving in the same direction (can you say WOW!!). She also expressed some anxiety as well as did a lot of Mom nurturing play. She is very worried about me. This stuff is just amazing. Children never cease to be awe-inspiring, do they?
So we had a girls' night out this past week. I actually had a very good time and thoroughly enjoyed my time with some incredible women! We call ourselves the "Dazzling Dames" and wear tiaras during all of our gatherings. If you have never tried wearing a tiara during your day, I highly recommend it! It really does change how you walk and feel about yourself. So go and celebrate your inner Princess! Then tell me about it, please! I am planning another event for February, so if you see a bunch of women wearing tiaras come by and say "hello". My counselor said I have to do more of this kind of thing. I told her I felt bad not spending time with ZG and Steve. She explained that right now I need to take time for myself so I can be a good wife and mother. So I guess once again, I need to call on my support system.
Steve and I have also joined the local gym. I love doing aerobic classes and am very much looking forward to having endorphines coursing through my body. Steve also found a yoga class nearby that we started last Saturday and will continue to do together for 5 more weeks. I miss yoga but left the first class in a horrible mood. The instructor really pissed me off somehow and I was just plain old MAD! Luckily, she was not going to be our instructor for the remaining sessions. I have NEVER left yoga in anything resembling a sour mood, so this really threw me for a loop. Nevertheless, I am going back in an hour and very hopeful that I will leave in a better mood!!
Okay, well that is the update. The tears are still there every day. At least now I can start to imagine that one day I will be able to anticipate joy in my life. That is HUGE!!!
God bless!
G
Monday, January 28, 2008
Monday, January 28, 2008 - Dark Days
Hi. The last week has been very dark for me. Remember when I talked about the black hole I was so afraid I would fall into after losing Alex? Well, I fell into it. I also started taking some new supplements and medication (to help me sleep) and after reviewing the side effects have called my doctor to let them know. I will go in this morning so perhaps this too shall pass.
The darkness felt alot like hormones but once that was ruled out and the mood continued I started to think. Have you ever not felt in control of your mood? I really did feel like something had hold of me and it would not let me "snap out of it." I have been a royal B-I-T-C-H!! I have been short and loud with Zoe and that is just NOT me!! Poor Steve and Nonni, they are just trying to get out of my way and have had to walk on eggshells around me. I keep telling them I hate this as much as you do but in 10 minutes I'm that crying, short tempered, ball of mush on the floor again. So wish me luck at the doctor's office. I REALLY need it!
God bless, hugs,
G
The darkness felt alot like hormones but once that was ruled out and the mood continued I started to think. Have you ever not felt in control of your mood? I really did feel like something had hold of me and it would not let me "snap out of it." I have been a royal B-I-T-C-H!! I have been short and loud with Zoe and that is just NOT me!! Poor Steve and Nonni, they are just trying to get out of my way and have had to walk on eggshells around me. I keep telling them I hate this as much as you do but in 10 minutes I'm that crying, short tempered, ball of mush on the floor again. So wish me luck at the doctor's office. I REALLY need it!
God bless, hugs,
G
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Tuesday, January 22, 2008 - 7 weeks today
Hi. Life has been very difficult lately. The shock of Alex's passing is wearing off and the reality is setting in. I can cry at any given moment. Friends say "it's been seven weeks, that's nothing". Well it is something to me. It's an endless, gut-wrenching, abyss of despair that is my life without my beautiful boy. I miss him so much. I often think how easy it would be to end the pain and just be with him. (That is normal by the way.) But I know Alex would be very disappointed in me if I did that. I know he was my son for a grand, beautiful, joyous reason and I just have to push through this utter despair to get back to that place. It is just so very hard to do it without him, without his smile, without his laugh and his jokes, without his love. I thrived on that love! I was the best I could be with Alex for the first time in my life. I really just wanted to get it right for him. He forced me to change so many things that were negative in my life. He truly was a gift (and still is).
I find it hard to have more than one task on my plate per day anymore. I try to get multiple errands done but then complete exhaustion takes hold and I can't wait to get home. I have little desire to be social and the past week of cloudy, gloomy days made me feel quite comfortable. The sunshine only makes me feel like I should be doing "sunny day" things that I just don't have the energy to do. Zoe begs to go outside when she comes home from school and it is just beyond me at this time. I went to interview a counselor today and I really liked her. One of her recommendations was to get outside for a brisk walk for 10 minutes every day. I could not make myself tell her how improbable that was at this point. She also had me do three minutes of meditation on "just this moment". Her goal is to get me to "be in the moment" and be mindful of life. I told her Alex taught me how to do that but that lesson is fading as the depression creeps into my mind.
So, do you remember that my MAC crashed the day before Alex's memorial service? We found out yesterday that the data was not going to be easily recovered and today the estimate came in at $1,500 plus parts. I was devastated last night. I told Steve that I don't have Alex and now I don't even have the pictures I took of Alex over his life span. I know we will come up with this money and it will be worth it. It just seems like we can't catch a break.
To make things worse, Steve's cat, Sage passed away and was found today. Steve has had that cat for twenty years and I really thought this was going to send him over the edge. He said at dinner that if the last few weeks had not been what they were; then he probably would have taken the news harder than he is. In comparison to his son's death, Sage's passing is a piece of cake especially since they shared so many important life moments together. So the question of the day is, "WHEN WILL WE CATCH A BREAK?"
I know better than anyone that it can ALWAYS be worse and to be grateful for the blessings in life. It's just been a very long stretch of bad times for this family. Saturday was the one year anniversary of Steve's father's passing. So perhaps you can see why life has been so hard lately.
Well, now that I have brought you all down, I'm going to bed. Tomorrow is a new day and maybe just maybe getting this out of me and into the universe will offer some release to my pain and I will feel like being in the sun tomorrow.
God bless!
G
I find it hard to have more than one task on my plate per day anymore. I try to get multiple errands done but then complete exhaustion takes hold and I can't wait to get home. I have little desire to be social and the past week of cloudy, gloomy days made me feel quite comfortable. The sunshine only makes me feel like I should be doing "sunny day" things that I just don't have the energy to do. Zoe begs to go outside when she comes home from school and it is just beyond me at this time. I went to interview a counselor today and I really liked her. One of her recommendations was to get outside for a brisk walk for 10 minutes every day. I could not make myself tell her how improbable that was at this point. She also had me do three minutes of meditation on "just this moment". Her goal is to get me to "be in the moment" and be mindful of life. I told her Alex taught me how to do that but that lesson is fading as the depression creeps into my mind.
So, do you remember that my MAC crashed the day before Alex's memorial service? We found out yesterday that the data was not going to be easily recovered and today the estimate came in at $1,500 plus parts. I was devastated last night. I told Steve that I don't have Alex and now I don't even have the pictures I took of Alex over his life span. I know we will come up with this money and it will be worth it. It just seems like we can't catch a break.
To make things worse, Steve's cat, Sage passed away and was found today. Steve has had that cat for twenty years and I really thought this was going to send him over the edge. He said at dinner that if the last few weeks had not been what they were; then he probably would have taken the news harder than he is. In comparison to his son's death, Sage's passing is a piece of cake especially since they shared so many important life moments together. So the question of the day is, "WHEN WILL WE CATCH A BREAK?"
I know better than anyone that it can ALWAYS be worse and to be grateful for the blessings in life. It's just been a very long stretch of bad times for this family. Saturday was the one year anniversary of Steve's father's passing. So perhaps you can see why life has been so hard lately.
Well, now that I have brought you all down, I'm going to bed. Tomorrow is a new day and maybe just maybe getting this out of me and into the universe will offer some release to my pain and I will feel like being in the sun tomorrow.
God bless!
G
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Thursday, January 17, 2008 - Gratitude
Good morning,
I want to thank all of you who have expressed such kindness and warmth in your comments to this blog. It is absolutely amazing and really does make me think. I wrote the first paragraph of a draft of my life's story. Then I started rambling and then the doubt set in about whether any one would be interested in such a story. I hope to just get it out then let someone else make that determination. I also want to write about Alex's story and I have a few other ideas for some books I always thought I'd like to write (and read). Wish me luck, courage, clarity and conviction!!
Zoe goes to see Alex's play therapist today for the first time. I am looking forward to her having an outlet for her emotions other than growling at people. She especially likes to growl at Nonnie. I don't know if I should discipline her on this or realize that Nonnie is a safe person for her to growl at (express herself) without repercussion. We'll see!
The 1st part of this week was horrible for me. Steve and I went back on our Slim 4 Life program and had to do this "restart" on Monday and Tuesday that set me off into a piss poor mood! I'm not drinking alcohol and now that I have gone 3 days without it, it's okay but believe you me I wanted some damn wine!!! I lost 8 pounds those first 2 days and Steve lost 4 (he did not wear good "weighing in" clothes, in my opinion). So hopefully the weight will continue to come off.
My first therapist interview is next week. I really don't look forward to this but know it is a necessary evil. I'm soooo much better at stuffing feelings (and myself) than working on all of my baggage.
Okay, I really just wanted to thank everyone for everything. You can't imagine the incredible gestures of support that we get daily. It is so wonderful. This is a good world and there are very nice people in it! Thank you all for reminding me of that!
I have lunch and coffee appointments with some of Dr. Foreman's staff in the next week. I really do want to find a way to put them on a beach with absolutely nothing to do!! Wish me luck!
Okay, gotta get! God bless and hugs!
G
I want to thank all of you who have expressed such kindness and warmth in your comments to this blog. It is absolutely amazing and really does make me think. I wrote the first paragraph of a draft of my life's story. Then I started rambling and then the doubt set in about whether any one would be interested in such a story. I hope to just get it out then let someone else make that determination. I also want to write about Alex's story and I have a few other ideas for some books I always thought I'd like to write (and read). Wish me luck, courage, clarity and conviction!!
Zoe goes to see Alex's play therapist today for the first time. I am looking forward to her having an outlet for her emotions other than growling at people. She especially likes to growl at Nonnie. I don't know if I should discipline her on this or realize that Nonnie is a safe person for her to growl at (express herself) without repercussion. We'll see!
The 1st part of this week was horrible for me. Steve and I went back on our Slim 4 Life program and had to do this "restart" on Monday and Tuesday that set me off into a piss poor mood! I'm not drinking alcohol and now that I have gone 3 days without it, it's okay but believe you me I wanted some damn wine!!! I lost 8 pounds those first 2 days and Steve lost 4 (he did not wear good "weighing in" clothes, in my opinion). So hopefully the weight will continue to come off.
My first therapist interview is next week. I really don't look forward to this but know it is a necessary evil. I'm soooo much better at stuffing feelings (and myself) than working on all of my baggage.
Okay, I really just wanted to thank everyone for everything. You can't imagine the incredible gestures of support that we get daily. It is so wonderful. This is a good world and there are very nice people in it! Thank you all for reminding me of that!
I have lunch and coffee appointments with some of Dr. Foreman's staff in the next week. I really do want to find a way to put them on a beach with absolutely nothing to do!! Wish me luck!
Okay, gotta get! God bless and hugs!
G
Monday, January 14, 2008
Monday, January 14th, 2008 - Shock Fading . . .
Good Morning. The past few days have been very difficult ones for me. I believe that the shock of Alex's passing is fading and the sadness is setting in. For some reason, Friday was a horrible day for me. I spent the morning at the computer, attempting to get some order back in our lives and by 11:30am was utterly exhausted. After picking up ZG, I went to sleep and rested for quite a while. The tears come at the drop of a hat. There is no known trigger except my own thoughts. I am having a hard time fathoming living the rest of my days without him in my life. AS I said before, being a mom and being Alex's mom, is the best thing I have EVER done in my life. It brought me so much happiness and joy not to mention pride. I was one of THOSE women who loved being pregnant because I knew motherhood was going to be grand (and I never had morning sickness)! How do you go on without your joy, your happiness, your pride, your heart? I just don't know. I know Zoe brings me great joy and luckily for me her strong will does not allow me time to wallow. When she wants attention, she gets ATTENTION!!! If you have ever met ZG (or any two year old girl with a mind of her own) then you know what I mean. I love her so much. Bedtimes have been difficult the last few days. My brother-in-law was in town on business, and ZG was sleeping in our bed. We have a collage of Alex and Zoe pictures, portraits and drawings on our wall (it was the one at the memorial service). Saturday night after looking at this collage for a while, Zoe wanted to sleep on the floor (the only time ZG slept on the floor in our room was when Alex was very sick and my sister's family was in the nursery) and was very sad because she wanted "her Alex back". I echoed her sentiment and we had a soft cry together. Yesterday she talked about Alex quite a bit too and all I can do is empathize with her. Steve is also going through this new "realization process" and therefore has been emotionally exhausted after working all day. This past week we had very little communication except about "household minutia". I found out through the week that he was planning a guys' night out (normally fine) via a third party; then he started doing other little things that made me feel very lonely and unwanted. Finally by Saturday night, I was fed up and had to leave the house. I left my mobile phone and headed to the bookstore. There I purchased a journal and pen and started writing a letter to Steve. I then just wandered around the bookstore browsing and thinking and not thinking. It was really great and quite cathartic. I never knew how popular bookstores are on Saturday nights. I am pretty sure I will do that again. It was fun and I had a gift certificate so it was cheap too!! Anyway, my demeanor Saturday night and Sunday morning revealed that I was still irked and Steve wanted to talk about it. I told him about the letter and he asked to read it on his way home from the airport (to drop off Blake.) It took him several hours to return and we had a very good, poignant, honest talk when he did. Nothing is resolved yet but a plan has been put into place. So wish us luck. You see it is just too hard to be there for someone else, focus on work or child rearing and be emotionally available to a grieving spouse all in one day or as we found out in one week. This is not going to be an easy road for our marriage, but Steve and I do love each other and are at least quite willing to do everything possible to make it a marriage we both want. So last night I had this dream, at the very end of it was a woman running around like a mad person. She was caring an extraordinary large piece of luggage with stuff hanging out of all sides. I was taking care of Zoe in the dream when this woman was running around us, but a therapist once told me that some dream theorists propose that we are every person/thing in our dreams. So what does this tell you? I'm carrying around a lot of emotional baggage and feel out of control? Nail on head!!! The image in my mind is pretty comical so I have to laugh at myself and wanted to share this with you all. Well, today is the eight year anniversary of my and Steve's first communication. You see we met on match.com. I was in the first day of my free trial and he had been a member for a few months. My login was Buttercup and his was Montague. I told him about my love for Colorado (was in OKC at time) and he invited me to come play in the mountains with him! At this time I believed fairy tales and "falling in love at first sight" were rude fantasies to put in little girls' minds but after meeting Steve and spending just a few days with him; I had to shut up on that opinion! By April, I was driving to Colorado with a carload of belongings and one year later, Steve proposed (on this day) and in August we were married. We bought our home in December and Alex was born the following October. Good story huh? Since that time, we have met several couples that met over the Internet. It seems to be the way of the future! So far today is starting off okay. Wish me luck for the rest of the week. I have appointments set to start interviewing therapists next week. Love, hugs and God bless! G
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Tuesday, January 8th - 5 weeks without Alex
Today at 11:45am will mark the five weeks without Alexander in our lives, physically. I really don't know what to say about that except we still count the days and miss our precious boy so very much. Physically I am ill with "the crud" that is going around town. Mentally, I am a wreck too. I absolutely can't sleep. I went 22 hours without rest (and tried) last Friday night. Even NyQuil did not help me out two nights ago. My heart races for absolutely no reason and my mind fights the deep depression that is lurking in its corners. Feeling ill does not help this battle, I must say.
Zoe Grace is having a difficult time readjusting to her school schedule. She is like me in that she is a night owl by nature and yesterday's wake up call really threw her body into shock! She came home and slept from 6p til 7a with an hour awake during the night. During that hour she changed her pj's and pull up and talked and talked to her daddy. I was trying desperately to stay asleep.
I'm still working on the goals (not resolutions) I set for 2008. If I could only figure out what I want to "do" for the rest of my life, I know some peace would come to my mind. Does anyone know a good "career coach"? I know I want to wake up and look forward to the day and bookkeeping NEVER did that for me. I love and miss my former employer but have yet to make contact with them to explore any possibilities of my return. Steve says it is "too easy" and is encouraging me to find my "place". I don't know if he is right or wrong but I do know I don't want to fall into old patterns and lose the "moment" that Alex taught me about every day.
Okay, I better get. I feel like S&*T! The docs were booked yesterday morning by 8:35am so Linda and I will go in this morning. I need to feel better and to sleep. I also need to get this fire hazard of a Christmas tree out of my life! My sister slipped on some sunken ice on a bridge in Breck last Monday (her 10th wedding anniversary) and broke her arm at the shoulder. She was (and is) in a great deal of pain so ZG and I went to the mountains to help her out last Thursday and Friday. Then I came home sick, so my tree is still up. Gees Louise!
I hope your day is a good one, if it is not; then make it a good one (for me, please)!
Love and God bless!
G
Zoe Grace is having a difficult time readjusting to her school schedule. She is like me in that she is a night owl by nature and yesterday's wake up call really threw her body into shock! She came home and slept from 6p til 7a with an hour awake during the night. During that hour she changed her pj's and pull up and talked and talked to her daddy. I was trying desperately to stay asleep.
I'm still working on the goals (not resolutions) I set for 2008. If I could only figure out what I want to "do" for the rest of my life, I know some peace would come to my mind. Does anyone know a good "career coach"? I know I want to wake up and look forward to the day and bookkeeping NEVER did that for me. I love and miss my former employer but have yet to make contact with them to explore any possibilities of my return. Steve says it is "too easy" and is encouraging me to find my "place". I don't know if he is right or wrong but I do know I don't want to fall into old patterns and lose the "moment" that Alex taught me about every day.
Okay, I better get. I feel like S&*T! The docs were booked yesterday morning by 8:35am so Linda and I will go in this morning. I need to feel better and to sleep. I also need to get this fire hazard of a Christmas tree out of my life! My sister slipped on some sunken ice on a bridge in Breck last Monday (her 10th wedding anniversary) and broke her arm at the shoulder. She was (and is) in a great deal of pain so ZG and I went to the mountains to help her out last Thursday and Friday. Then I came home sick, so my tree is still up. Gees Louise!
I hope your day is a good one, if it is not; then make it a good one (for me, please)!
Love and God bless!
G
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
Tuesday, January 1st 2008 - New Year
Good morning. Well here we are in 2008. 2007 was quite a year. Steve is ready to slam the door and seal it shut and throw away the key. Personally, I don't feel the same way. 2007 taught me a great deal and changed me forever. I know I have to embrace this past year, learn from it and grow to be the person my soul so longs for me to be. I woke up thinking about all of this and here are some goals I have come up with so far. Please note they are not in any particular order.
- be kind and gentle to myself and others
- take a moment and be sure that I reflect and respond to the "intent" in mine and others' words and actions
- be mindful of my body's needs i.e. - good nutrition, exercise, sleep, work, play, sex, meditation and "me time"
- be generous with the love and joy Alex so easily expressed to the world (since I'm not Alex this may be a hard one, but I'll give it a shot)
- finally get IT; that we are all only perfectly imperfect and mistakes are golden learning opportunities and a necessity of life
- recognize and reject invitations to the old, destructive ways of being, thinking and living
-get in touch with God, my inner self, my purpose and my mission
-work to put Dr. Foreman and his team on a beach twiddling their thumbs because they have nothing to do!!!!!!!
-find joy in every day, laugh, laugh and then laugh some more
-build new friendships and keep existing friends close and in my life with kindness, time and generosity
-teach Zoe about the world and learn from Zoe about the world
-work with Steve to build a marriage we both need and desire
-walk my dog daily!!!
-continue to learn from Alex about love, life and purposeful living!
-let my house get messy with dishes in the sink and everything and LOVE the free time I have because I'm not cleaning it!!!
-stop using retail therapy as a coping mechanism and start be responsible about money and savings.
-get rid of stuff we don't use or need
-get this house radon tested!!!!
-Read more!
-Listen more!
-get thank you cards out to everyone that has been so generous to our family in the last 18 months!
-get into therapy that works! (or not, if I'm successful at all of the above, then I may just cure myself!!)
-Smile more!
-Get and give more hugs!!
-Be kind and gentle with myself and others (I know this is a repeat, but it is very important)!!!
I think I could go on forever with this list but let's be realistic shall we? So everyone wants to know how ZG is doing. She has not lost her spirit and spunk. She does exhibit some real anger at times and will even pinch herself if she gets very frustrated. One day she came in and said to me "Mommy, where's Alex, I lost him?" over and over. When we were leaving OKC and buying snacks for the plane, Zoe found gummy bears and wanted to buy them for Alex. All I can do when things like this happen is say, "Alex is dead." We still talk about him alot and I hope that never changes. Overall she is thriving in her new found attention and quality time with Steve and me.
Steve has been sick since we got back on Friday. I started feeling kinda puny yesterday with a sore throat and stuff but not as run down as he seems to feel. The Xmas holiday was quite hard without our precious boy there to help celebrate. Alex got me a beautiful charm bracelet with four lockets (two tear drops and two hearts) and a flying bird. I wear it everyday along with the "beads of life" necklace from TCH. Alex got his cousin, Evan, a skull cap with a glow in the dark design on it. I can't remember if the design is spider man or a skull and cross bones. I still don't know what he got his "girlfriend" Katharine, but I'm sure I'll find out soon.
Being home has been VERY difficult. Alex is in every particle of this house. Last night as Steve was looking for a lost shoe, he found some of Alex's toys and his water bottle under our bed. That kind of stuff is hard to take. It just reminds you of the hours upon hours we played this particular game with Alex and how many times we filled that water bottle and it sustained him through the night.
My heart still aches for Alex. I don't spend my days crying all the time but I do have crying episodes every day. Like right now.
Okay, live and learn and never give up! Or "Keep moving forward" as they say in "Meet the Robinsons" movie.
God bless and big hugs!
Love, G
- be kind and gentle to myself and others
- take a moment and be sure that I reflect and respond to the "intent" in mine and others' words and actions
- be mindful of my body's needs i.e. - good nutrition, exercise, sleep, work, play, sex, meditation and "me time"
- be generous with the love and joy Alex so easily expressed to the world (since I'm not Alex this may be a hard one, but I'll give it a shot)
- finally get IT; that we are all only perfectly imperfect and mistakes are golden learning opportunities and a necessity of life
- recognize and reject invitations to the old, destructive ways of being, thinking and living
-get in touch with God, my inner self, my purpose and my mission
-work to put Dr. Foreman and his team on a beach twiddling their thumbs because they have nothing to do!!!!!!!
-find joy in every day, laugh, laugh and then laugh some more
-build new friendships and keep existing friends close and in my life with kindness, time and generosity
-teach Zoe about the world and learn from Zoe about the world
-work with Steve to build a marriage we both need and desire
-walk my dog daily!!!
-continue to learn from Alex about love, life and purposeful living!
-let my house get messy with dishes in the sink and everything and LOVE the free time I have because I'm not cleaning it!!!
-stop using retail therapy as a coping mechanism and start be responsible about money and savings.
-get rid of stuff we don't use or need
-get this house radon tested!!!!
-Read more!
-Listen more!
-get thank you cards out to everyone that has been so generous to our family in the last 18 months!
-get into therapy that works! (or not, if I'm successful at all of the above, then I may just cure myself!!)
-Smile more!
-Get and give more hugs!!
-Be kind and gentle with myself and others (I know this is a repeat, but it is very important)!!!
I think I could go on forever with this list but let's be realistic shall we? So everyone wants to know how ZG is doing. She has not lost her spirit and spunk. She does exhibit some real anger at times and will even pinch herself if she gets very frustrated. One day she came in and said to me "Mommy, where's Alex, I lost him?" over and over. When we were leaving OKC and buying snacks for the plane, Zoe found gummy bears and wanted to buy them for Alex. All I can do when things like this happen is say, "Alex is dead." We still talk about him alot and I hope that never changes. Overall she is thriving in her new found attention and quality time with Steve and me.
Steve has been sick since we got back on Friday. I started feeling kinda puny yesterday with a sore throat and stuff but not as run down as he seems to feel. The Xmas holiday was quite hard without our precious boy there to help celebrate. Alex got me a beautiful charm bracelet with four lockets (two tear drops and two hearts) and a flying bird. I wear it everyday along with the "beads of life" necklace from TCH. Alex got his cousin, Evan, a skull cap with a glow in the dark design on it. I can't remember if the design is spider man or a skull and cross bones. I still don't know what he got his "girlfriend" Katharine, but I'm sure I'll find out soon.
Being home has been VERY difficult. Alex is in every particle of this house. Last night as Steve was looking for a lost shoe, he found some of Alex's toys and his water bottle under our bed. That kind of stuff is hard to take. It just reminds you of the hours upon hours we played this particular game with Alex and how many times we filled that water bottle and it sustained him through the night.
My heart still aches for Alex. I don't spend my days crying all the time but I do have crying episodes every day. Like right now.
Okay, live and learn and never give up! Or "Keep moving forward" as they say in "Meet the Robinsons" movie.
God bless and big hugs!
Love, G
Friday, December 21, 2007
Friday, December 21st - Getting Harder
So we have moments of "normalcy"; moments of confusion; moments of distress; and moments of woe and despair. I look at the Alex and Zoe's last Christmas picture taken November 2006 in which they are standing, holding hands and smiling for the camera. That seems so long ago and far away but also just like yesterday. Oh how I long for Alex to be a part of our holiday. It's just too hard to do this without him.
There is no refuge either. I can't go out. I can't stay in. Yesterday his fingerprints on the backseat car window made me weep for him. I want to hear his sweet voice. I want to make him oodles and oodles of noodles in a river of sauce with a mountain of cheese on top. I want to hold my baby boy. I want to see his beautiful face and tell him how much I love and cherish him.
Tonight we will have our "Christmas" here. Zoe is getting an "Alexander Girlz" brand baby doll with brown hair, brown eyes (just like her). Nonni got her a doll set including a baby rocker, high chair and stroller. I also got her a sock monkey, but I can't find it. I can't tell you what I got Steve since he reads the blog. But it is something he has asked for and will enjoy, I'm sure.
This week has been very difficult. I'm afraid it is not going to get any easier either. I'm glad we are leaving town but also dreading it. I just hope I don't ruin Christmas for all of my dear family and friends. I try so hard to remember Alex's lessons. To enjoy every moment and to be present in the moment. To love and smile. To play no matter how difficult it might be to do so. To listen to music that you love and dance whenever you can. To give and get big hugs. To say "I love you" to everyone you care for every time you see or talk to them. To enjoy the sun and the moon and rainbows. To ask for help when you need it and never do anything you really don't want to do. To eat what you love when you want it, but not to be gluttonous about anything. To honor the day and be grateful for everything in your life, even the bad stuff that makes life worth living!
I think I could go on forever, but I'm feeling better now, so I will stop. Happy Holidays to you all. I love you.
God bless.
G
There is no refuge either. I can't go out. I can't stay in. Yesterday his fingerprints on the backseat car window made me weep for him. I want to hear his sweet voice. I want to make him oodles and oodles of noodles in a river of sauce with a mountain of cheese on top. I want to hold my baby boy. I want to see his beautiful face and tell him how much I love and cherish him.
Tonight we will have our "Christmas" here. Zoe is getting an "Alexander Girlz" brand baby doll with brown hair, brown eyes (just like her). Nonni got her a doll set including a baby rocker, high chair and stroller. I also got her a sock monkey, but I can't find it. I can't tell you what I got Steve since he reads the blog. But it is something he has asked for and will enjoy, I'm sure.
This week has been very difficult. I'm afraid it is not going to get any easier either. I'm glad we are leaving town but also dreading it. I just hope I don't ruin Christmas for all of my dear family and friends. I try so hard to remember Alex's lessons. To enjoy every moment and to be present in the moment. To love and smile. To play no matter how difficult it might be to do so. To listen to music that you love and dance whenever you can. To give and get big hugs. To say "I love you" to everyone you care for every time you see or talk to them. To enjoy the sun and the moon and rainbows. To ask for help when you need it and never do anything you really don't want to do. To eat what you love when you want it, but not to be gluttonous about anything. To honor the day and be grateful for everything in your life, even the bad stuff that makes life worth living!
I think I could go on forever, but I'm feeling better now, so I will stop. Happy Holidays to you all. I love you.
God bless.
G
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Wednesday, December 19th - Good Morning After All
Collective Soul has been one of my favorite bands for a very long time. As I was listening to their new album "Afterwords" I felt as it was written for us. The song below says how I feel many days and I wanted to share it with you. I highly recommend the album as well!
"Good Morning After All"
Yeah you give up some days
When the tears they must flow
But God is always your strength
The only strength that you know
Now everything starts to fall in place
As you wake just to crawl
Still you say good morning after all
Yeah you stand just to fall
Still you say good morning after all
Yeah you questioned this life
Sure you wondered about love
But you swear there's always hope
Always hope from above
Now everything starts to fall into place
[chorus]
It's just another breath
It's just another breath you say
It's just another step
It's just another step today
"Good Morning After All"
Yeah you give up some days
When the tears they must flow
But God is always your strength
The only strength that you know
Now everything starts to fall in place
As you wake just to crawl
Still you say good morning after all
Yeah you stand just to fall
Still you say good morning after all
Yeah you questioned this life
Sure you wondered about love
But you swear there's always hope
Always hope from above
Now everything starts to fall into place
[chorus]
It's just another breath
It's just another breath you say
It's just another step
It's just another step today
Monday, December 17, 2007
Monday, December 17th - This is Too Hard
Thank you all for your prayers and kind words. I love to read how Alex's life has made the world a better place. I too do not know where the energy comes to face each day. I have to force myself out of bed in the morning and into bed at night since sleep is not coming easily to me. Alex's presence is all over the house. I think he is playing with us in his very special ways. I miss him so much. And now I am crying.
Last week on the ABC Nightly News program, Joe Biden was being interviewed. He lost his wife and daughter in a car accident early in his life. His 2 boys survived and he talked about loss. To paraphrase his words he said "suicide is a rational option, if the love you shared was as great and profound as you believe then why would you want to re-establish your life?" (to hear the interview in its entirety go to www.abcnews.com and search "joe biden"). I have to say that living without Alex is too hard at times but I don't want to check out. I just want Alex with us again and always. I miss his smile and his laugh and his big brain! I want to hold him and stare into those beautiful eyes; watch him sleep and play a game with him. My heart has never known unconditional love before Alex and Zoe. Alex was the first to show me how grand love really can be. I knew when I met him that my life would never be the same again.
Mr. Biden also talks about feeling guilty when you realize that you want to live. He talks about his father telling him "get up, get up". His father told him that success is not measured on how many times you are knocked down but how quickly you get up. He also says you have to focus on what you have. I know this is an absolute truth. So many of us (myself included) focus every second of every day on what is wrong or what we don't have that would make the next second better. Well the truth (as I see it) is that when you get that "thing" your life is not better, because you have programmed your mind to always be searching. Each of us search for something different but the result is the same - feeling unfulfilled, unloved and empty. I have a huge hole in my soul and I know that the only way to recover from the loss of my dear boy is to finally and wholly love myself.
It always boggles my mind to hear so many people talk about me with such admiration. I truly feel that I have done only what any parent would do and that is love my children and do the best possible for that day. That does not seem extraordinary to me. I am starting to listen more and learn from you all though. So many of you can't be wrong, huh? So, with baby steps, I am going to try to feel Alex's unconditional love for myself. Wouldn't that be a grand way to go through our days; if we loved ourselves unconditionally and therefore knew that the rest of the world was hurting just as we hurt and love and kindness were the answer to the crisis at hand? Wow! what a concept!!!
Okay, so Christmas is coming and I realized yesterday that no where in our media, advertisements, or daily lives do we talk much about the true meaning of Christmas. It is no longer "correct" to do so. I feel our children only know it as a day that they get gifts and that is it. I'm not saying that everyone should go to church, not by any means. But shouldn't we talk about giving and love and the reason for Christmas? Shouldn't we teach our children about the origins of this holiday? I realize this would be different for every family and I also think it would be grand if we all understood Kwanzaa and Hanukkah too. Perhaps learning how this holiday is celebrated all over the world would be a better idea than just emptying our pocketbooks, creating more debt and filling our homes with stuff. Okay, I'm done. Please forgive my soapbox rantings!!
I remember our second Christmas with Alex in 2003. Alex was one and Steve and I had had a very difficult year financially. We only had money to buy Alex one gift. I thought long and hard about what I wanted to get him. Since he loved music so much, I decided to buy him a kid size piano. Tuesday Morning advertised one and on the day the store opened, I got up at the crack of dawn, poured some coffee and drove to the store. I wish I could share the feeling of joy and happiness I felt that morning. I was so excited as I stood outside the doors waiting for them to open. As I drove home I thanked God for helping understand that I was blessed to have such a beautiful family and that the love we shared was much more important than the giving of gifts. I still think of that Christmas as my favorite.
This year's Christmas is not something I am looking forward too though. We will be with family and I am trying to focus more on that than Alex's absence. I'm pretty sure though that I will be overcome by sadness and grief. The question is how long will it last and will I be able to pull myself out of it? I'm sure I will. Zoe Grace absolutely demands my attention and she constantly reminds me of what I have still to live for.
Well, this is too hard but with your love and prayers we'll make it through.
God bless!
G
Last week on the ABC Nightly News program, Joe Biden was being interviewed. He lost his wife and daughter in a car accident early in his life. His 2 boys survived and he talked about loss. To paraphrase his words he said "suicide is a rational option, if the love you shared was as great and profound as you believe then why would you want to re-establish your life?" (to hear the interview in its entirety go to www.abcnews.com and search "joe biden"). I have to say that living without Alex is too hard at times but I don't want to check out. I just want Alex with us again and always. I miss his smile and his laugh and his big brain! I want to hold him and stare into those beautiful eyes; watch him sleep and play a game with him. My heart has never known unconditional love before Alex and Zoe. Alex was the first to show me how grand love really can be. I knew when I met him that my life would never be the same again.
Mr. Biden also talks about feeling guilty when you realize that you want to live. He talks about his father telling him "get up, get up". His father told him that success is not measured on how many times you are knocked down but how quickly you get up. He also says you have to focus on what you have. I know this is an absolute truth. So many of us (myself included) focus every second of every day on what is wrong or what we don't have that would make the next second better. Well the truth (as I see it) is that when you get that "thing" your life is not better, because you have programmed your mind to always be searching. Each of us search for something different but the result is the same - feeling unfulfilled, unloved and empty. I have a huge hole in my soul and I know that the only way to recover from the loss of my dear boy is to finally and wholly love myself.
It always boggles my mind to hear so many people talk about me with such admiration. I truly feel that I have done only what any parent would do and that is love my children and do the best possible for that day. That does not seem extraordinary to me. I am starting to listen more and learn from you all though. So many of you can't be wrong, huh? So, with baby steps, I am going to try to feel Alex's unconditional love for myself. Wouldn't that be a grand way to go through our days; if we loved ourselves unconditionally and therefore knew that the rest of the world was hurting just as we hurt and love and kindness were the answer to the crisis at hand? Wow! what a concept!!!
Okay, so Christmas is coming and I realized yesterday that no where in our media, advertisements, or daily lives do we talk much about the true meaning of Christmas. It is no longer "correct" to do so. I feel our children only know it as a day that they get gifts and that is it. I'm not saying that everyone should go to church, not by any means. But shouldn't we talk about giving and love and the reason for Christmas? Shouldn't we teach our children about the origins of this holiday? I realize this would be different for every family and I also think it would be grand if we all understood Kwanzaa and Hanukkah too. Perhaps learning how this holiday is celebrated all over the world would be a better idea than just emptying our pocketbooks, creating more debt and filling our homes with stuff. Okay, I'm done. Please forgive my soapbox rantings!!
I remember our second Christmas with Alex in 2003. Alex was one and Steve and I had had a very difficult year financially. We only had money to buy Alex one gift. I thought long and hard about what I wanted to get him. Since he loved music so much, I decided to buy him a kid size piano. Tuesday Morning advertised one and on the day the store opened, I got up at the crack of dawn, poured some coffee and drove to the store. I wish I could share the feeling of joy and happiness I felt that morning. I was so excited as I stood outside the doors waiting for them to open. As I drove home I thanked God for helping understand that I was blessed to have such a beautiful family and that the love we shared was much more important than the giving of gifts. I still think of that Christmas as my favorite.
This year's Christmas is not something I am looking forward too though. We will be with family and I am trying to focus more on that than Alex's absence. I'm pretty sure though that I will be overcome by sadness and grief. The question is how long will it last and will I be able to pull myself out of it? I'm sure I will. Zoe Grace absolutely demands my attention and she constantly reminds me of what I have still to live for.
Well, this is too hard but with your love and prayers we'll make it through.
God bless!
G
Friday, December 14, 2007
Friday, December 14th - The Blur Continues
First I want to thank you all for your prayers and kind words of support and love for Alex and our family. I know it has made a difference in our home. It is absolutely awe inspiring how Alex has affected this world in such a positive manner. I am so amazed that our little boy could accomplish so much in such a short period of time. He is such a Super Hero!!!
So, this last week and a half has been a blur. I remember lots of hugs, lots of uncontrollable wailing, physical pain, a beautiful ceremony, flowers and an unexplainable feeling that I have lost something very important and just can't find it. It's like a panic. Where is it? How can I live with out it? What do I do now? Losing Alex's presence in our daily lives has been traumatic. I walk around the house doing stuff until the grief grips me and all I can do is hold down the couch. I have watched many movies the past few days and don't remember much about them. One I do remember was "Catch and Release". It was filmed in Boulder, CO and to honor her dead fiance, the main character creates a "peace garden". I thought that we should create a "hope garden" for Alex at the Children's Hospital. Wouldn't that be grand? Something really inspirational and fun for kids. I also watched "Edward Scissorhands" and it just occurred to me that we could have those fun-shaped hedges and trees like in that movie. Children should have a place to go and learn that there is always hope. (Is there always hope?)
You can't imagine how much physical pain I was in last week and the first part of this week. The physical manifestation of my grief and loss was acute and engulfing. A dear friend bought me a hot stone massage that worked wonders for me and I know has expedited my recovery. If you have never had a hot stone treatment, GO GET ONE!!! Coldwater Creek Spa is where I recommend you go too! If you can't do that then get an "essential pedicure" and just relax!
At Alex's service many incredible words were spoken. I remember our neighbor, Kevin, saying that Alex accomplished something every person in the world strives to do and that is to impact the lives of every person they meet. I thought that was a profound statement and very true. Of course, Alex has changed the lives of people he has never met too. That is the wonder of his truth, spirit and love for life.
Alex was cremated on Wednesday. It was my birthday and a very hard day for me. The dogs had gone on a rampage the night before and I found two of the gifts Alex chose for Xmas gifts for his family. Alex absolutely loved flashlights so he got his dad this really cool lantern. He also loved baths and so he got ZG some bath tub letters and numbers. Knowing that he picked out these gifts and also knowing that they reflected his love for his family brought me to my knees. I still can barely contemplate Christmas without Alex. Each day I feel his absence. I also feel his joyful spirit at times too.
Okay, that about does it for me. Steve seems to be handling things okay. Unfortunately, his good friend moved away this week and I worry about him sinking. Zoe Grace asks "where's Alex? Alex in Oklahoma? Mom, I lost Alex?" about once or twice a day. She really misses him and we just keep telling him "no Zoe, Alex is dead." That is what all the books say to say. They don't say where the well of strength is to say it though!!
God bless!
G
So, this last week and a half has been a blur. I remember lots of hugs, lots of uncontrollable wailing, physical pain, a beautiful ceremony, flowers and an unexplainable feeling that I have lost something very important and just can't find it. It's like a panic. Where is it? How can I live with out it? What do I do now? Losing Alex's presence in our daily lives has been traumatic. I walk around the house doing stuff until the grief grips me and all I can do is hold down the couch. I have watched many movies the past few days and don't remember much about them. One I do remember was "Catch and Release". It was filmed in Boulder, CO and to honor her dead fiance, the main character creates a "peace garden". I thought that we should create a "hope garden" for Alex at the Children's Hospital. Wouldn't that be grand? Something really inspirational and fun for kids. I also watched "Edward Scissorhands" and it just occurred to me that we could have those fun-shaped hedges and trees like in that movie. Children should have a place to go and learn that there is always hope. (Is there always hope?)
You can't imagine how much physical pain I was in last week and the first part of this week. The physical manifestation of my grief and loss was acute and engulfing. A dear friend bought me a hot stone massage that worked wonders for me and I know has expedited my recovery. If you have never had a hot stone treatment, GO GET ONE!!! Coldwater Creek Spa is where I recommend you go too! If you can't do that then get an "essential pedicure" and just relax!
At Alex's service many incredible words were spoken. I remember our neighbor, Kevin, saying that Alex accomplished something every person in the world strives to do and that is to impact the lives of every person they meet. I thought that was a profound statement and very true. Of course, Alex has changed the lives of people he has never met too. That is the wonder of his truth, spirit and love for life.
Alex was cremated on Wednesday. It was my birthday and a very hard day for me. The dogs had gone on a rampage the night before and I found two of the gifts Alex chose for Xmas gifts for his family. Alex absolutely loved flashlights so he got his dad this really cool lantern. He also loved baths and so he got ZG some bath tub letters and numbers. Knowing that he picked out these gifts and also knowing that they reflected his love for his family brought me to my knees. I still can barely contemplate Christmas without Alex. Each day I feel his absence. I also feel his joyful spirit at times too.
Okay, that about does it for me. Steve seems to be handling things okay. Unfortunately, his good friend moved away this week and I worry about him sinking. Zoe Grace asks "where's Alex? Alex in Oklahoma? Mom, I lost Alex?" about once or twice a day. She really misses him and we just keep telling him "no Zoe, Alex is dead." That is what all the books say to say. They don't say where the well of strength is to say it though!!
God bless!
G
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
Wednesday, December 5th - Pain, Agony and Info
Alex passed very peacefully in his father's arms. He awoke yesterday morning with a very painful headache and swollen forehead and right eye. Tylenol did not help and since Alex was crying due to the pain, we started the Dilodid IV. Due to many factors, it took hours to get Alex relief but he was free of pain eventually. His last word was "music". He wanted to change the tv channel from his shows to the "massage music" on comcast (soundscapes).
Alex passed at 11:45am. After that we took him to the master bedroom, bathed him and oiled his body with massage oil. We changed his clothes and put on his Spider Man pajamas. Then I broke down completely and utterly. Then I stayed with him kissing and holding and just looking at his beautiful face. The swelling was gone and he looked so lovely and at peace.
By 3pm the morticians were here to take him away. Steve carried him out the back door. The sky had this eerie yellow tint to it and for the first time all day, Alex looked dead. I think the hardest thing I have ever done is to watch him leave our home for the final time. I broke down again in the back yard screaming at the top of my lungs.
Steve and I were able to compose ourselves enough to talk to Zoe. She went in and said "good bye" to Alex then went to watch Diego. She seemed very sad and mad yesterday and would not sleep until I came in and laid down with her. I woke up at 4:30am in terrible pain. My entire body hurt. I felt as though I had been in a horrible car accident. I got up and took some med they gave me in the ER for pain. Next thing I know it was 7:30am and I needed to get up and get ZG ready for school. I have no idea how I got out of bed but I did and when Nadine came by to pick up Zoe, I was laying on my back in the playroom with Zoe laying on top of me. As soon as she was out the door, I went to lay down in our bed. All morning I felt as though my limbs were made of lead and the pain was excruciating. Finally, I was able to get up and take a divine bath downstairs. All the ladies did an incredible job at making me comfortable. A
Since then I have been to the funeral chapel and made arrangements for services. The fact that I just had to pick out my child's casket is mind numbing. I feel like a zombie as I write this now. I asked Steve this morning if I was still Alex's mother. Since Alex is no longer here to nurture, nourish and hold then how do I call myself his mother?
Here are the details of the services for Alexander Michael Kasnoff:
Friday, December 7th Viewing/Visitation from 5:30 pm to 8 pm at Moore Howard Funeral Chapel; 4345 West 46th Avenue, Denver, CO 80212; 303.433.6425; john.demers@sci-us.com.
Alex's memorial service will be held on Saturday, December 8th at the same location at 10am.
God bless you all. Hold on tight to one another and make sure everyone you love knows how you feel today.
G
Alex passed at 11:45am. After that we took him to the master bedroom, bathed him and oiled his body with massage oil. We changed his clothes and put on his Spider Man pajamas. Then I broke down completely and utterly. Then I stayed with him kissing and holding and just looking at his beautiful face. The swelling was gone and he looked so lovely and at peace.
By 3pm the morticians were here to take him away. Steve carried him out the back door. The sky had this eerie yellow tint to it and for the first time all day, Alex looked dead. I think the hardest thing I have ever done is to watch him leave our home for the final time. I broke down again in the back yard screaming at the top of my lungs.
Steve and I were able to compose ourselves enough to talk to Zoe. She went in and said "good bye" to Alex then went to watch Diego. She seemed very sad and mad yesterday and would not sleep until I came in and laid down with her. I woke up at 4:30am in terrible pain. My entire body hurt. I felt as though I had been in a horrible car accident. I got up and took some med they gave me in the ER for pain. Next thing I know it was 7:30am and I needed to get up and get ZG ready for school. I have no idea how I got out of bed but I did and when Nadine came by to pick up Zoe, I was laying on my back in the playroom with Zoe laying on top of me. As soon as she was out the door, I went to lay down in our bed. All morning I felt as though my limbs were made of lead and the pain was excruciating. Finally, I was able to get up and take a divine bath downstairs. All the ladies did an incredible job at making me comfortable. A
Since then I have been to the funeral chapel and made arrangements for services. The fact that I just had to pick out my child's casket is mind numbing. I feel like a zombie as I write this now. I asked Steve this morning if I was still Alex's mother. Since Alex is no longer here to nurture, nourish and hold then how do I call myself his mother?
Here are the details of the services for Alexander Michael Kasnoff:
Friday, December 7th Viewing/Visitation from 5:30 pm to 8 pm at Moore Howard Funeral Chapel; 4345 West 46th Avenue, Denver, CO 80212; 303.433.6425; john.demers@sci-us.com.
Alex's memorial service will be held on Saturday, December 8th at the same location at 10am.
God bless you all. Hold on tight to one another and make sure everyone you love knows how you feel today.
G
Wed Dec 5 - Information
We'll have more details after 4:00 today so until then: visitation will be on Friday and the memorial service will be on Saturday at the Olinger Moore Howard Chapel, 4345 W. 46th Ave.
The family asks that memorial donations be sent to:
Neuro Oncology Research Fund
Children's Hospital
13123 E 16th Ave
Aurora, CO 80045
Attn: Amy Wilson - Box 115
This is Dr. Foreman's facility and your support will help Alexander's friends. Thank you!
The family asks that memorial donations be sent to:
Neuro Oncology Research Fund
Children's Hospital
13123 E 16th Ave
Aurora, CO 80045
Attn: Amy Wilson - Box 115
This is Dr. Foreman's facility and your support will help Alexander's friends. Thank you!
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
Tuesday, December 4th - Amazing Kid
Thank you all for your comments. I just got a chance to read them this AM. I did not leave Alex's side much at all yesterday and he is resting now. Alex is absolutely AMAZING!!! He fought so hard yesterday. He was blue at 10:30 AM and fought back from that. Then his blood pressure dropped into the low 40's and we all started saying our good byes. I called my sister and when her husband, who can magically make coins appear from Alex's ears, said "watch those ears"; Alex's eyes opened and a huge smile came over his face. He then woeke up and played Spider Man Wii with his dad!
We are able to keep him comfortable with the robinul (dries up the fluid in lungs) and the Midazolam (anti-nausea, anti-seizure, and anti-anxiety med). When the Robinul stops being able to help him with the fluid in his lungs and he starts gasping for air (most likely scenario) then we have some Dilodid (morpheine derivative) to give him so that he won't feel like he is suffocating.
So the hospice nurse says this up and down can go on for days. I'm sure I can take it but I don't want to. I hope you understand what I mean by that. I will have to find inner resources that are currently unknown to me to survive more days like yesterday.
Both my sister and sister-in-law arrived last night. We are so grateful to have them here! I plan on using some of their resources as well! To top all of this off, our dog (puppy) Roxie is very ill. She has been quite mopey since Sunday night and we all thought it was just a dog's way of mourning. But she woke Steve up crying and whining last night. She has a vet appointment at 10:30am. I hope this is an easy fix (and cheap one too). We love Roxie so much. She has to be one of the sweetest dogs I know.
Okay, ZG needs to get to school. Love and hugs. Keep those prayers coming!!!
G
We are able to keep him comfortable with the robinul (dries up the fluid in lungs) and the Midazolam (anti-nausea, anti-seizure, and anti-anxiety med). When the Robinul stops being able to help him with the fluid in his lungs and he starts gasping for air (most likely scenario) then we have some Dilodid (morpheine derivative) to give him so that he won't feel like he is suffocating.
So the hospice nurse says this up and down can go on for days. I'm sure I can take it but I don't want to. I hope you understand what I mean by that. I will have to find inner resources that are currently unknown to me to survive more days like yesterday.
Both my sister and sister-in-law arrived last night. We are so grateful to have them here! I plan on using some of their resources as well! To top all of this off, our dog (puppy) Roxie is very ill. She has been quite mopey since Sunday night and we all thought it was just a dog's way of mourning. But she woke Steve up crying and whining last night. She has a vet appointment at 10:30am. I hope this is an easy fix (and cheap one too). We love Roxie so much. She has to be one of the sweetest dogs I know.
Okay, ZG needs to get to school. Love and hugs. Keep those prayers coming!!!
G
Monday, December 03, 2007
Monday, December 3rd - Prayers Please
Good morning. Alex is not doing well. Last night he became very frustrated because he could not drink or eat. He even asked that we do his "thrush swab" so he could eat his dinner. He hates his thrush medicine! Last night he also needed lots of suctioning. It sounds like his lungs are full of fluid. My worst fear may be coming true. That Alex is suffocating! If he has to go, please Dear Lord, don't let him suffer!!! This morning he is on O2, on the couch and resting. His eyes have not opened in the past hour and he no longer has control over his head, legs and his left grip is very weak. It is very difficult to understand him because it sounds like fluid is stuck in his throat. It just comes out very weak and girgly.
Please forgive me for not calling you if you are on our call list. THis is the most time I care to be away from Alex.
Alex had an absolutely wonderful time at the Make a wish Holiday store! With a great deal of effort, my old boss delivered his Power chair to the hospital and Alex was off!!! He loved going fast and doing spins in his chair. Everyone noticed the beautiful smile on the beautiful boy in the fast chair! It was a spectacular time!! Thank you Jerry!!!! You made this possible!!
Please pray for Alex.
God bless!
G
Please forgive me for not calling you if you are on our call list. THis is the most time I care to be away from Alex.
Alex had an absolutely wonderful time at the Make a wish Holiday store! With a great deal of effort, my old boss delivered his Power chair to the hospital and Alex was off!!! He loved going fast and doing spins in his chair. Everyone noticed the beautiful smile on the beautiful boy in the fast chair! It was a spectacular time!! Thank you Jerry!!!! You made this possible!!
Please pray for Alex.
God bless!
G
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