I'm devastated. I feel like my bones are made of lead. The kids went to bed early last night and I just laid on the couch crying. Steve had a friend to help out with some construction of sets so he was gone. There is nothing to buy, swallow, eat, drink, do that will make this go away. I don't want to be cheered up either. I just want to be understood and to know WHY!!??? WHY, WHY ALEX, WHY ZOE, WHY ME, WHY STEVE? FRIGGIN WHY?????
The fact that Steve understood the situation and said to me "I'm sorry, I thought you knew?" has not helped anything. Seems he and I had a huge disconnect on this situation. I have no idea how that happened. I think he made assumptions I did not make.
Today is a new day. A new "new normal" to begin. How do I fill these days? What can we do? Alex won't feel like doing much but Zoe will want to do everything. Thank God she starts back to school in June. That is such a godsend. I have so much stuff/paperwork to get done but absolutely no energy to do any of it.
Roxie was supposed to be fixed today but since I did not pick up her food last night, I will have to reschedule that appointment. I feel so stupid. I just don't know what to do except cry. I hope this day gets better soon.
G
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5 comments:
Hugs from a stranger
Hi Gwen,
I wish that I knew the answer to "WHY!!??". Maybe it would save me some pain down the road. Who knows?
I've made a half dozen attempts at being consoling and trying to sum up how I feel, and how I know Suzan and some of our mutual friends who are now reading the blog regularly feel, and keep coming up short.
I think that it's really sad that you feel isolated and less-than-understood, because you do a fantastic job of bringing us all in. I only wish that I had the eloquence to share the depth of the empathy that you've fostered in us, and some way to let you know how many people share it.
I've a feeling that your journey has been accompanied by more well-wishing than the meager blog responses give justice to, and that there are a lot more people out here tearily asking "WHY ALEX, WHY ZOE, WHY GWEN, WHY STEVE? FRIGGIN WHY???" than you might imagine.
Lots of hugs and well wishes to all of you,
Scott, Suzan, Mattie and Mitch
(PS - Congrats on the "good news"; try to put the worry on the back burner for a bit.)
Hey Gwen,
I didn't want to call because I know how it is to the phone ringing off the hook and wanting to throw it up against a wall. There is nothing anyone will say to make you feel better. Just know your family is so loved and cherished. We are praying.
Sara
To Alex's family,
I found your blog through the Steadman's and have added you to our prayers.
God bless,
Laura Morris
Dear Gwen, I am astounded that you have been holding all this in and showing such amazing grace under this pressure.
It is an amazing testament to your strength that all of this has been in your daily life and that you have the courage to share it with us. We feel blessed to have you and Alexander and Steven and Zoe as friends. Alexander is truly my greatest hero. He is so brave because he knows he is loved totally!
I have learned to install 3 car seats in my Volvo recently to accommodate my niece Lucy, and would love to have Zoe accompany us on outings to the Children's museum, botanic gardens or library or just out and about. You needn't feel that you are going to let her down by helping Alex heal.
A new normal is coming it is just around the corner. Don't give up hope!!!
Having no energy to look after a dog or pay bills is something us "average" people deal with every day. So don't even think that you're exempt from that. I look at my bills and quiver just trying to open them! Ha!:)
Your journey is amazing! Why you, why Alex? Why Steve, Why Zoe? Because! You were all meant to be exceptional people!!! Thats why!
I love you All!
Tina
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