Monday May 26, 2008 -My First Memorial Day

Good Morning. So the weekend has been a good one so far. Zoe had a play date with a new friend. He is five years old and they were fast friends at their first meeting a few weeks ago. Zoe absolutely loves following this boy around and playing with him. He is very sweet and just great to ZG. I know it is "co-dependent" of me; but I am happy when she is happy! I think all parents like to see their child(ren) smiling! I know I do!

Saturday, we kicked butt and took names on our front yard!! Our yard has always been an eyesore and on Saturday from dawn til dusk we whipped that puppy into shape! It looks better now than it has the entire six years we have lived here. It is a pleasure now to drive by the house and to open the door to friends. Needless to say, yesterday we were utterly exhausted!

Late yesterday afternoon, we headed up to Erie to be with some dear friends up there. It was a very laid back time and just what the doctor did not order! We were so excited to have ZG asleep before nine o'clock that Steve and I took the opportunity to watch a movie "on demand".

You see, I have fallen in love with Eddie Vedder's song "Hard Sun". I found out yesterday that he wrote and performed this and all of the other original songs for the movie "Into the Wild". So Steve and I watched it last night. It is the story of a young man that travels to Alaska after his college graduation. It turned out to be a VERY intense movie. I was sure I would have nightmares due to the subject matter. I did not have nightmares but I can't get this story out of my mind this morning. I just may watch it again! You see this young man is a "lost son" and during his travels to Alaska he becomes soul-bound to two characters that have each lost a son (via different means). The lessons of karma and "oneness" is profoundly exhibited in this movie and I must say very moving.

So today is Memorial Day. We have decided to update our prayer flags in front of the house today. You might remember last year's "Pavers and Prayers" party; where friends came to the house and made pavers for the play area and prayer flags for the temple chimes. It was a great day for everyone. The prayer flags are supposed to be granted when they fly off the temple chimes. Unfortunately, I used faux twine that is obviously indestructible and the prayers are just getting torn up in the wind. So Steve, Zoe and I will be making new prayers today and attaching those to the temple chimes with real twine.

Another way we will be honoring Alex is by sponsoring a Cambodian boy named Loun through the International Childreach Program. Steve and I just made this decision about five minutes ago but already I can feel my maternal warmth rising and releasing little specks of hope and joy in my body.

I hope today is a good day for you. We have had perfect weather the last two days but today will be cooler and cloudier. I'm glad about that. It seems appropriate. I have never really honored or even thought about anyone much on Memorial Day before. It has always just been a day "off" to me. This year though, everything has changed. I hope to use this day for healing and prayer. I hope to have a few milliseconds (or more) in the moment; enjoying the beauty and preciousness of life and being. I pray you do too.

God Bless.
G

Friday, May 23, 2008 - One Day at a Time

Hi all. So Tuesday marked six months without Alex in our lives, physically. I have actually felt his presence more lately and had a vision of him the other night. I asked my therapist if I was insane and she said "most certainly"! No, she didn't but that would have been funny, huh? Actually, she said that after such a "trauma" visions are actually quite normal. With that being the case, I wish it would happen again. I do so miss our beautiful boy. Every day without him is such a struggle lately and time is not making the pain any easier to handle. If anything, I feel things are getting worse. In lieu of that and recent events, I have seriously curtailed my alcohol intake. While it makes great sense to want to medicate these horrific feelings, it ends up actually putting me in a great deal of danger. I have come to understand that alcohol, in addition to lowering your inhibitions, also lowers your "filters". You see when I drink in excess I become so depressed that I forget how much I have to live for. I talk and think about being with Alex and at times it has become pretty scary for me and Steve (and my therapist). I have also recently learned that my medications are not helping (when mixed with alcohol). It seems that the anti-anxiety medication I am on actually increases the likelihood of addiction and the effects of the alcohol (as well as seizures). So when I say scary, I mean SCARY!!!! Wish me luck, strength and peace. I need all of them.

In addition to that struggle, I have not been to exercise class since Monday. During a backward lunge on the step, I heard a loud "pop" and immediately felt pain in my left calf muscle. It was so bad I had to scoot down the stairs to get out of the gym. I did the "R.I.C.E." thing Monday and the pain is greatly decreased but I can still feel the pulled muscle. I plan on cleaning the house today as my workout!

I want to take a moment to say "Happy Birthday" to Evan Winston!!! Evan is such an incredible child and we love him sooooo very much. I can't believe it has been seven years since his birth. Happy Birthday Evan! You are VERY SPECIAL and VERY LOVED!!!!

I would also like to encourage all of you that are in the area to join our family at the Kyle O'Connell Foundation's annual Steps-n-Strides Run/Walk on June 1st. We will be walking to honor Alex along with other families that have dealt with pediatric brain cancer. You can register at www.kyleoc.org !! Hope to see you there!

Finally, I would like to ask for your prayers. A member of our family is having brain surgery today and we are all just reeling!! It seems that we just can't catch a break right now. Please pray for the doctors' steady and skilled hands; the children's peace; the patient's easy and fast recovery; and our family's "break"!! We need one!

This weekend is Memorial Day. We plan to work on the yard and play area over the holiday and try to honor Alex in a very special way. I hope you join me.

God bless!
G

PS- Make it a GREAT day!!!

Friday, May 9, 2008 - Druthers Day

So I can't tell you how hard life has been since Tuesday night. You see while I was reading Zoe her bedtime story, I realized that this is my first Mother's Day without the son that made me a mother. How can that be? Why must this be? Until last night, I was in a serious depression. I just could not imagine how I was going to live through this pain and anguish. Last night I realized that I could call upon my support system for help and that is what I did. So after three tearful talks I feel like I can do this and realize that I must. There really is no other option. Zoe is a wonderful child that I adore. Alex would never want me to give her less than my best. So to honor him, I will get up on Sunday and open the small box Zoe brought home from school today and feel her hug and soak up her love.

I wish all of the wonderful mother's I know (and the ones I don't) a spectacular Mother's Day. Please be kind to yourself and appreciate the beauty of your children (even if they are no longer children). I know Alex would want you to!

Much love and God Bless!
G

Wednesday, May 7, 2008 - Weird Space

Hi all. Zoe's birthday party was a success and if anyone wants some "death sticks" aka: mac 'n cheese on a stick; just let me know. We have tons frozen in the freezer! We also have a good portion of a keg of beer left over, even after lending it out for a neighbor's party. Needless to say, my pants are getting a bit snug! Zoe had fun but only after the party died down a little and she and a few friends headed over to the playground. I think she was overwhelmed by the amount of people. We also think there may be some real emotional baggage for Zoe related to birthday parties, since we had three bday parties to celebrate Alex turning 5 yrs old.

I know ZG misses her sweet brother. Every time she talks to her grandmother, or a departing parent, she says "you come back, okay?" We always are very reassuring that we will be back. The other day, we were in the nursery and Zoe said "Alex come back soon!" I had to reply "no honey, Alex is not coming back" and her light and bright energy changed immediately to an angry and dark mood. It was heart wrenching.

Yesterday marked 22 weeks without the most wonderful, beautiful little boy I have ever known. I miss him so much my body still aches with the pain of it. On Friday night, we decided to have some family time outside. Steve built a fire in the outdoor fireplace and the three of us sat outside. It was great and very lonely at the same time. Alex loved sitting by the fire. He loved helping his dad stoke the fire and build the fire. It was one way we could get him outside when he did not feel good (which was a task toward the end.) We have so many good times around that fireplace. It was very bittersweet. I guess that is how it will always be from now on.

I can't decide what to do with my life when I grow up. I just wish it would come to me with the energy and enthusiasm to make it a reality. I have too many interests and seem completely uninteresting at the same time. I saw so many friends at the bday party that asked "so what's up?" I really had no answer that was of any interest. How do you say, well, I'm just trying to not cry today, to not completely break down and melt into the ground today, to maintain a semblance of normality and acceptance of a life without my son. No one really wants to hear that. I have had friends call and email for lunch and I just do not have the energy to call them back. I am lonely, but don't really know how to be around others right now. It's a whole new world for me but everyone else is living the same existence with the progression of time.

I did think of a great story to share with you all. I finally found a fabulous hairdresser. We met a few years ago and I adore her. At our last appointment she told me about how Alex and I have changed her father's life. You see, he survived the death of his brother, at an early age. It was a tragic accident and was not discussed during his lifetime until she talked him into pulling out the pictures and remembering the precious brother he had. It has brought a lot of healing to this family and I have to think that Alex's spirit made it possible.

Well that is about as upbeat as I can be right now. I am going to have some hot, keg beer!! Come and join me!

Much love and God Bless,

G

Tuesday, April 29, 2008 - 21 weeks today

Hi all, today marks the end of 21 weeks without Alexander. I have to say the days since my last post have been quite trying for me. Last Tuesday I got hit with a triple whammy. It was the five month anniversary of Alex's passing; I met with my personal therapist and attended the hospital's parent support group. At the group, we shared the video our neighbor made for Alex's Memorial Service. I had seen it a few days prior, for the first time since the service, but it was Steve's first time to see it since then. Watching this wonderful video of our beautiful boy over his five years was excruciating for me. It makes my skin ache to hold and touch him. I know it was hard for Steve as well. He did not speak at all during the session.

After Linda left, my body immediately fell ill. I was knocked out by a bad cold, sinus infection etc. When I started to feel better, Steve and I worked in the yard the entire weekend. We have started a "rainbow garden" for Alex. As a result of all of the hard work done in the yard, come Monday, I threw out my back buckling ZG into her carseat. So I was down and out for about 2 days, then very tentative with all other activities up until yesterday. I finally got back to my workouts yesterday morning after two weeks. It felt good even though it did almost kill me.

So last Thursday, I had a job interview with three Realtors in the neighborhood. They were looking to hire an assistant. I just found out a couple of hours ago, that they chose someone else for the job. I was a Realtor, when Steve met me, and I loved helping others find their homes. It was a dream job for me. I knew, when I moved, that I did not have the contacts nor the knowledge of the area to become a Realtor here (besides the competition is fierce and the market well-saturated). The assistant job was full-time and I did have some anxiety about the time commitment but really started getting excited about the prospect. So now that I know I did not get this one, I think I will try something else. I have always wanted to start a "home staging" career. You know, making a home appealing to buyers via design. Well, if I can stay on this up swing, I want to put together a brochure, print up some biz cards and start working the market. I love interior design and ,while I don't have a degree, I do have some skill and I feel I could do a great job. So send me some good mojo and the energy to make it happen!!

Another thing that is helping me get out of the funk of the past few weeks is Zoe's bday. Zoe will have her birthday over the weekend and I love throwing parties. So I now have a project that is helping me keep busy and focus on the positive. I just hope the weather holds out for us. It is supposed to snow this Thursday and Friday! I know I am ready for the warmer, Spring like temps of the season!

I also want to thank our friends that have opened their homes and hearts to us over the weekend. You may not know it, but spending time with your families, has really made a huge difference to my emotional state. So thank you!! It was great seeing Zoe play with her new and old friends, and laugh, and be happy. I know she misses her brother so much, and feels very lonely at times; so it is great when she can socialize with other kids. And even better, when Steve and I can have fun too!

Okay, well tonight is the 8th out of 9 parent support group sessions. I really, really don't enjoy these sessions. You see, while I am learning something about grief, I endure hearing about some truly horrific tragedies of the other parents. The only reason I continue to go is because I want to support these mothers (and one father). I truly do care about them and their families. I also get to hear Steve's side of the story and his struggles/opinions during these groups. But, all that said, I won't miss them when they are gone (the sessions, that is, not the people).

Okay, well, I should end this. I want you all to know that your comments really help me through my days. Please keep them coming. Somehow knowing that I am not alone and that our experience is shared with persons, known and unknown, keeps me going. I think of you all often.

God bless,
Love,
G

Friday, April 18, 2008 - New, New Normal

Hi Everyone,

So since Tuesday, Steve, Zoe and I have embarked on another, new, "new normal". For the first time in our lives, we are living as a threesome. I have to say it seems quite strange and very uncomfortable to me. Alex's presence is here but at the same time it is NOT here and we all miss him very, very much.

Yesterday, Steve was asked to speak to his fellow co-workers. His company will be preparing 24,000 gift bags for kids with cancer this year. Steve talked about the first time we received a gift. It was when Alex had just had the brain biopsy and he was in Intensive Care. I will never forget it. I was holding Alex in the rocking chair and the ICU nurse brought in this green piece of luggage resembling a turtle. Inside it were books, games, toys, bubbles, voice recorder and small DVD player. It was an amazing gift. I remember I felt so relieved that someone was thinking of us that knew what we needed even before we knew. I felt that we were not alone in this ordeal and that there is hope. This wonderful gift came from the Gabby Krause Foundation and you can read about Gabby at www.gabbykrausefoundation.org. So it is my wish that each of the 24, 000 gift bags that will be handed out have a similar impact on the children and families receiving them.

So I wanted to tell you all about "thawing". Thawing is a term a father who had lost his child, came up with to describe the grieving process. Until you go through a loss like this it is almost impossible to know what the experience is like. Thawing refers to the process of melting away sadness, despair, and sorrow so that you can get through a certain time period (varies constantly) feeling okay, like you can get out of bed. Then you realize that while you were thawing another layer of your sorrow has reached the surface and you are back in the pits again. Utter despair, angst and sadness consume you. You don't want to move, to talk, to eat, to drink, to breath. But you do and eventually, with help from family, friends, counselors, children, you find yourself back in the "thawing" experience. Unfortunately, you never know how long this will last, so you do your best to enjoy the time and to honor your child while you can. I think we all know our deceased children would never wish us to be in pain and sorrow. Children are all about love and joy and laughter and BUBBLES!!! Bubbles of wisdom that we have forgotten and have to relearn.

So I hope that helps you get some what of an understanding of what this confusing, ever-changing grieving process is like (for me, at least). It truly sucks and I don't recommend it to anyone! So, go enjoy your day. Be in this moment right here, right now. Listen to the far off birds sing their song, the squirrels scampering in the tree limbs, the wind talking through the leaves. This is all that really matters. You, Now, Here!!

God bless,
G

Tuesday, April 15, 2008 - 19 weeks without Alex

Hi everyone. This is going to be a downer post so continue reading at your own risk. I'm quite sick and I think it is just from all of the stress/hell I have been through these last few weeks. The past weekend has been a real roller coaster for me as well. You see, Alex and Zoe's school, gave us tickets (thanks to Ms. Grace for asking and everyone involved in that decision) to the annual fundraising event which was a silent auction and casino night combined. We had not planned on going since we had blown our "wad" on the honeymoon. But when I told Steve about getting the free tickets he said he would go. Then on Saturday afternoon, his tune changed and he ended up asking me "why do you want to go so badly?" I thought about it and replied, "Have you noticed how quiet the phone is these days? The only person that called me this week was you and that was yesterday. I miss our friends. I really want to go to see our friends and reconnect with the school. They have been a wonderful source of support for us." With that said, and the tears in my eyes, he conceded to go.

The night was a huge success for both of us too. Steve did very well at the Black Jack tables and I had a lot of laughs with some dear friends old and new. The only problem was that I wore these high (did I say HIGH) heeled shoes and could not find a seat all night. My feet still hurt! After the party, we tried to hook up with our friends, but could not find them and ended up having an incredible dinner at Il Posto. If you have a special occassion and like authentic, fresh Italian food, please consider this place. It is just too good and the staff is very friendly and fun!!

Okay, so you are thinking, she's got sore feet what is so wrong with that, right? Well then came Sunday. On Sunday, I visited hell in the form of a Memorial Service at The Childrens' Hospital. Again, Steve tried to talk me out of going, but I refused (I should have listened this time). So Linda and I went. OMG, torture!!! Absolute TORTURE!!! There were so many families and so many beautiful children that are no longer a part of this reality. As soon as I sat down, I noticed a mom next to me crying and the service had not even started. Then I started looking at the program and reading the words to the poems and songs. AUGHHHH!! I started crying. When the slide show started, Alex's picture was the first one and that was it for me. Stick a poke in me I'm done!! (I know it is "poke a stick in me, I'm done," btw.) Then the mom with her little girl (about 4 or so) saw their baby and the little girl said "there's (name of child)" and the mom acknowledged her as she was weeping. Then the little girl began wailing. Wailing with such pain and sorrow. My heart was breaking all over again, because I wanted to wail right there with her. Her mom carried her out and the wailing continued for a while.

So at some point during the service, they gave the moms a rose and a glass votive holder with a flameless votive in it. All the time I 'm watching these parents come up and get their "prizes" I'm thinking, "so your child dies and you get a flower and a candle, RAW F'ing DEAL!!!" I really wanted to run out and just go but instead we stayed until the end, ate some cake and talked to a parent from the support group. I also got a balloon for Zoe and a glitter wand too. Then we headed home.

When we got home, Steve and Linda started preparing dinner for the evening. We were having some neighbors over to say "good bye" to Linda. Again, it was a fabulous time, but my experience was blackened by the hell of the afternoon. So I drank some wine, listened to the chit chat and did the dishes. Steve built a nice fire in our outdoor fireplace and the fun continued outside. Zoe would not sleep so she ended up outside as well. One funny thing about that- when Zoe saw the moon she said "moon, mommy, moon!" I said, "yes, la bella luna" and she said (for the rest of the night) "that's not a balloon, that's the moon, mommy!" You get it? "la bella luna" sounds like "balloon". Anyway, it was cute.

Then comes Monday!!! Oh geez! Due to our computer crashes, etc. we were only able to get our accounting system up and running on Saturday, thanks to Steve's diligent work. So Monday, I got to enter in every bank transaction for the year 2007. Well, if that was not like walking down memory lane!!! Again, torture. Every McDonald's Happy Meal we got after chemo; every Snooze brunch, every purchase on the Make A Wish trip, every meal at the Red Wagon Grill ( hospital's cafeteria) was relived. I was completely drained by the end of the day. I sat at this computer for over 8 hours yesterday.

Then to top it all off, Linda left this morning. She is going to be missed so much! Toby (her dog) not so much, but he is part of the package and we love him. Roxie is scouring the house trying to find her friend!!! So you can see why my body has decided to let illness take me down, can't you?

Just to polish this off. I want to share a reading from the service. It actually made an impact on me and I want to share it. So here goes!

To Honor You
By Connie Kiefer Boyd

To honor you, I get up everyday and take a breath.
And start another day without you in it.

To honor you, I laugh and love with those who knew your smile and the way your eyes twinkled with mischief and secret knowledge.

To honor you, I take the time to appreciate everyone I love. I know now there is no gaurantee of days or hours spent in their presence.

To honor you, I take chances, say what I feel, hold nothing back, risk making a fool of myself, dance every dance.

You were my light, my heart, my gift of love, from the very highest source. So everyday, I vow to make a difference, share a smile, live, laugh, and love.

Now I live for us both, so all I do, I do to honor you.

God bless!
G

PS- The first pic was taken the Friday before Alex passed at the Make A Wish Holiday Store/Party at TCH. The second and third pics are from Thanksgiving last year and the last one was taken over two weekends ago.

Friday April 4, 2008 - Vacation details

Hi everyone! Well we survived our Honeymoon! It was absolutely FANTASTIC!! The hotel that we stayed at in Mendocino (actually little river) was the location for the movie "Same Time Next Year" with Alan Alda and Ellen Burstyn. I have wonderful memories of watching this movie with my mom during my childhood and it truly is one of my favorites. If you have not seen it and are in the mood for a romantic comedy/drama I highly recommend it!!

After Mendocino, Steve drove me to San Francisco to meet my sister and he headed back North to his college fraternity's charter dinner/weekend. My sister and I had a fabulous time in the big city and we realized the first night that while we have been in the same room over the past 18 months; we rarely had any time to be sisters. It was great to reconnect in such a wonderful spot. We stayed at a nice, European hotel in downtown and on Saturday we went to the Japanese Tea Garden. I have such Spring Fever right now. Everything was so lush and green, as you can see by the pictures I have attached.

Zoe and Linda had a great time and Zoe was okay with our absence until we called and reminded her that we were not there. I have to say though, it was wonderful to come home to her and get the biggest, longest hug ever! She even looks taller and her hair is definitely longer! Somewhere over the break, she started this faux crying thing that is just pathetic and actually kinda funny. She pulls it out over the littlest thing and it just seems so strange to see her like that. So I guess the trip did have some effect on her. Overall, I know she had a great time with all of her friends that made it over and set up play dates with her.

Our next challenge is Linda's departure. After six months she has decided it is time to return to her home. We will miss her so much! She plans on returning later in the year but in the mean time she will be missed!

So I want to tell you about the little, green Buddha in the pictures. Do you remember (did I write about) the Buddhist Monk, Eric that came by the house a while back? Well, after talking to Steve and I, Eric came in to meet Alex. At that encounter, he gave Alex that little Buddha. Alex really was not that impressed with the little Buddha since it did not resemble Spider Man at all, but I made sure we kept it around. Ever since Alex passed, I carry that Buddha with me. It dawned on me at the Japanese Tea Garden to actually put it in some pictures since I saw Alex in every beautiful flower and green grove. So I hope you enjoy the pictures. I just may have to travel the world's botanic gardens and publish a book some day!!

Next time, I want to tell you all about the parent support group "Colors of Healing" that we started a while back at Children's Hospital. Right now is not the time, but I will tell you all later.

I hope your Spring is bringing much beauty to you! God bless!

Love, G

Wednesday, March 26, 2008 - Mendocino, CA!!!

I was sad to leave Gaige House and Sonoma yesterday. I was not sure the scenery or accommodations could get much better, but once again I was wrong!!! I am happy to report that Mendocino and the Heritage House are absolutely beautiful. See for yourself!!

I had a dream with Alexander Monday night. Once again, it ended when I thought "if Alex is dead, how is this happening?" But since then, I have seen and felt him on every sunlit leaf and wondrous blue wave of the ocean. I know he has brought us to this place because it is one of his favorites and he wanted to share it with us.

Yesterday, we stopped at a mall on the road. A young teenage man was walking in ahead of us and his dress was not appealing to me and I said to Steve, "I hope Alex doesn't ever dress like that!" I then realized what I had done. It still boggles my mind!

So today we plan to go to the lighthouse and state park down the road. We may go canoeing and or horseback riding too!!

Thank you all for the wonderful postings. I can't believe people still read the blog!

love and God Bless!
G

Monday March 24, 2008 - Honeymooners!!

I have no idea if I mentioned this before, but Steve and I are taking a honeymoon (after 7 years of marriage) in California. We left last Thursday and after 15 hours of travel, we arrived in San Francisco. We spent the evening with Steve's sister and her husband. They took us out and on the town in SF!!! I remember having a great time and twisting my ankle. The details though are kinda fuzzy. The next day we went to China Camp and rested at Weber Point. It was beautiful and so quiet. I loved it. We went on a hike the next day and it was just what the doctor ordered. I also discovered that I like to take nature photo shots. I'm having a blast in this lush landscape that is Northern California.

Long story short, Steve left his wallet on top of the car as we were leaving Weber Point and we went to get a bite about 20 minutes away. This is when he realized the wallet was missing and we headed back to Point. We did a thorough search and just as we started to scour the road, Steve's mom called and said "Did you lose your wallet?" A very kind gentleman (and cute!!) had found Steve's wallet in the middle of the road and called the house! We drove back down and met him. We really wanted to buy him a drink but he had things to do. So I must say, the trip has been very interesting so far.

The next thing to happen was that I double booked our second night in CA. I had us in two hotels and so we missed one night at The Gaige House! We have been here two nights now and will leave tomorrow morning. This place is so incredible. The staff upgraded our room to a Zen suite. It has a "geodome" tub that Steve and I can both fit into; a Zen garden, and one of the most comfortable beds we have ever slept in!! Tomorrow we will head to Mendocino!

So this morning, I was relaxing over breakfast and I felt my muscles actually "release". It was a somewhat painful experience and I commented that my muscles really don't know how to be relaxed. They have been tense for so long!!! Anyway, it is my goal to get them used to this!

I hope you all are having a great day! I know I am!

Gotta love those Angels!!!

Love and God bless!
G

Friday, March 7, 2008 - Dreamy Alex

So last night I had a dream. Alex and I were on vacation and I think Steve was working on this vacation, because we talked about meeting him "after work." Alex still had cancer but it was not terminal and he was quite active. I remember we went swimming, sight seeing and bought souvenirs from a very rude clerk. Anyway, I was so happy. I felt so much joy and delight in every moment of this dream. Alex made me laugh, like he always did, and it was just an incredible experience.

Unfortunately, all good things must end and this dream ended when this thought popped into my head - "how is Alex here, if he is dead?" and just as soon as that thought came to me, Alex was gone. When I told Steve about it this morning, I started crying (like now). I think the sadness comes from remembering the feeling of being with Alex. He always brought joy and laughter, smiles and amazement to my world. Oh, I miss him so much. So very, very much.

Sorry this post was such a downer. I just wanted to document this event so that I never forget.

Love and God Bless,

G

Tuesday, March 4, 2008 - Three Months Today

Hi Everyone. Today marks the 12th week we have been without our dear Alexander. I could tell last night that Steve was upset and I asked him what was going on. He said, "I read the blog." I asked, "which one?" and he replied, "all of it, to March." Immediately my head screamed "why would you do that? What would possess anyone to torment themselves like that." Luckily I refrained from expressing this sentiment out loud and later he explained that he was downloading the pages and just started reading. I can't imagine how I would deal with such a thing. And to top it off, Steve brought in a box from the porch and announced that "you have a package." I thought it was a gift or something then I remembered that the video company that made a DVD of Alex's Memorial Service would arrive soon and put 2 and 2 together. The DVD has a beautiful picture of Alex on the front cover and just seeing that incredible smile sent my mind spinning.

So needless to say, today has been a hard day for Steve. I on the other hand had the blessing of walking into ZG's school this morning and seeing Alex's teacher from 4 months to 2.5 years standing there. She moved to Hawaii a few months ago and I just loved seeing her beautiful face. I think we both started crying immediately. I then asked her out for a cup of tea and we spent the next hour catching up and just touching base. She is such a dear person, it was so great to hear that she is doing well and finding joy in her life. Either she or the extra cup of Joe got my blood going and I was enlivened to get moving on one of the many projects to honor Alex that I have been putting off. I think the first one will to publish the book we wrote and illustrated together. It is a wonderful tale and I can't wait to share it with the world.

Last night I spent some time on Oprah's website in the online classroom for "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle. It was an incredible experience but I really need to finish reading the book to get the most out of it. Anyway the first note I took was this: "What does LIFE want from me?" Oprah talked about how she prays on bended knee for God to use her. This really touched me in a very special way. Instead of figuring out what I want from LIFE, perhaps I should ask LIFE what it wants from me and see what happens. I am excited to get that going. I just have to find a few moments of silence and stillness to make that happen. Much easier said than done, as any parent can tell you!!!

Another comment that touched me last night was trying to "be like a babe" as we experience our lives. This morning ZG woke up and we went straight to the potty. She did her biz then got off and went for the TP. Then I hear, "TOILET PAPER!!" It was like she had found the most amazing, most beautiful thing on earth. Her enthusiasm over toilet paper was remarkable and I immediately thought of how it would be to experience everything that way. Can you imagine if we walked into our jobs and said "TELEPHONE!! or FAX MACHINE!!!" and awed at the incredible technology we have at our fingertips these days? I am still in awe of my new BlackBerry and even do find myself saying "Cool!!" when I figure something new out!!

So I guess that is the point of this entry. To remind ourselves that this world is full of wonder. Even those every day people, items and places can help us experience the world again for the first time. I know Alex helped me do that every day. I also know that the beauty of my boy will never fade for me and Steve. And that is just one of our blessings.

Love and God bless,
G

Thursday, Feb. 21, 2008 - Survived Vday

Hi everyone. Let's just cut to the chase. Valentine's day was a very hard day for me. Alex was present in so many ways. I missed him so much. I really wanted to buy him a Valentine's day card. I really wanted to make cupcakes with him and ZG. And I really wanted to kiss and hug him and tell him I love him. ZG and I made cupcakes and later in the afternoon we decorated them with our neighbors. Seeing Alex's best friend is hard sometimes because I am used to seeing her engage with Alex. So we made it through and now I can move on.

Zoe came home sick last Monday and once she was well, I got sick. I had a doctor's appointment Tuesday and he gave me the Z-pack for upper respiratory gunk. I'm just starting to feel a little better. Even though ZG was better, I kept her home all week. There's been a lot of illness in town and I felt it was the best choice.

Over the weekend we had a date with a wonderful couple that really know how to have fun. It was a blast and we really enjoyed our evening with grown ups!! We need to do that more often. At the end of the evening, the discussion turned serious and the following words came flowing out of my mouth.
"Alex gave us a challenge. He challenged us to find joy and live an authentic life. He challenged us to stop wishing and start doing! If you want health then go out and get health. If you want a satisfying, rewarding career then go out and get one or make one! If you want joy then go and find it and every second of every day; in every "bad thing" that happens there is joy!" I feel these words came from Alex and not me. And I really wanted to share them with you.

So I have some news!!! Steve and I are planning on taking our honeymoon. Yes, I know we have been married for seven years but it's never too late and we REALLY need it!! We hope to go to San Francisco, do the city thing then head for Napa/Sonoma areas then end the trip on the ocean at Mendicino. I am really excited about this and have decided to work out more often to really get myself in shape. I think the endorphines are starting to kick in and the pounds finally started to come off. YEAH!!

So I have to tell you all about Monday. Well instead of spending money on a dresser for our room, STeve and I decided we would take the one in the nursery and move ZG's stuff into the closet. This meant that Alex's clothes needed to be packed up. This was such a feat for me. I found myself bawling uncontrollably and smelling his clothes. I was upset because I did not want to "pack Alex away". It felt so wrong. Linda came in and saw how upset I was and suggested that I keep some of his clothes out or in a special box in the nursery. I agreed and picked out several of Alex's favorite things - Transformers, TMNT, Lightning McQueen and of course, Spiderman t-shirts. I kept one of this footie pajamas that are red and super soft and cuddly. I kept some of the clothes that we had pics of him in too. I felt better, but needless to say, I have not touched the rest of his stuff since.

Steve and I really want to move the playroom to the current dining room. I have so much anxiety about this task after Monday's experience. I would kindly like to ask for assistance. So if you are available sometime in the next week, can you please call me and perhaps help me pack up some of these toys, etc. I really need the help!

So my therapist said, "you are doing everything right." She was talking about working with Zoe to help her cope; planning a honeymoon; and working out and dieting to get the body I want. That was so validating to hear. I really felt good when she said that to me. She also told me that Alex's death was not a punishment for me. Rather it was simply a fact of life. That Alex and God had their own timetable and death is as much a part of life as is birth and living. She told me that the immortal gods of mythology always admired mortal man because they were able to value life. The Gods would live forever no matter what so this very moment had no significance. That is our blessing. Isn't that great?!

Okay, I have to go and get ready to pick up ZG. Her therapist said yesterday that she is seeing some improvement in Zoe's self worth, so that is good news.

Love you all, God bless!
G

Wednesday, Feb. 13th, 2008

Good Morning. So much has happened and I have meant to write to you all but life is busy. So far the gym membership is being used but the pounds are not coming off. I guess that is to be expected? I heard about this cardiofree diet/exercise program and if this continues I may just move on to that. All of these classes make me hungry and since it is still pretty new I am not getting those much loved endorphins yet!!! That usually takes me at least 2 weeks. So I'll hang with this for a while.

Besides that the new med levels are doing there job and I can function these days. I may have to stop drinking though (note the non-committal "may")!! I have always been super sensitive to my drinking since my father abused alcohol. I was feeling pretty cocky since I had attended a couple of events and handled the alcohol very well. This past Saturday though, I went to one of those "slumber parties" for women only. You know the kind, with all of the "fun" toys, lotions and potions. Well I did not eat before going and just kept pouring myself more and more wine. Needless to say, I remember bawling during my ordering session and then pretty much everything else is a blur. I did not drive, for the record. I woke up in the middle of the night with all of my clothes on and Steve was very perturbed with me. Luckily I had drank alot of water during my wine glasses so the hang over wasn't too bad. It just made me think. If I am blacking out and stumbling drunk then there is definitely some alcohol abuse going on here. I really don't know what to do about this. I think I will just bring it up in the next counseling session. If you were with me Saturday night, I apologize profusely for my behavior. As a forty-something adult, I should be better at this than I am currently. Please forgive me.

So about a week ago, Zoe's teacher called a PT conference. She told us Zoe was not doing well in the classroom. She indicated that Zoe was disconnected and uncommunicative in the class. She also was not engaging the older children (as is desired) rather she was working more with the younger kids. I could not believe my ears. I remember during the summer, Zoe's teacher telling me "Zoe is bound for greatness, she just won't accept anything else!" So our very talkative, engaged daughter was a different child away from us. We knew she could be shy, but not to this extent. ZG's play therapist said it sounded like ZG was "fear based" in the classroom and that she just needed to be held close then encouraged to explore and engage. I can't tell you how upsetting this is to me. Personally, I think she does not want to engage with the older children because the last time she became attached to an older child (her brother) he disappeared and that is very sad to her.

Steve and I are thinking about redoing the arrangement of the house. Reducing the clutter in the play room and switching it with the dining room. This way ZG will be in the same part of the house as we are in most often and more contact will be likely. We also have to reduce her TV watching. You see when Alex was sick, they watched alot of TV together. Alex could not run and play so this was a shared activity for them. Also, towards the end of Alex's life, most of our attention was "used up" by his care. Fortunately, our dear friends and family made a concerted effort to help out with ZG. Nevertheless, she did spend alot of time in front of the TV. So that will be changing soon.

Okay, I just wanted to put these things out there. I will write soon, but until then please take the time to tell the ones you love how you feel! Tomorrow is a great opportunity to do so!

Love and hugs! God bless!
G

February 2, 2008 - Groundhog day

Hi all. So things are not as dark as they had been these days. Getting off the sleeping meds really seemed to help. I also FINALLY found a therapist I like and believe can really help me through this. I can't tell you what a relief that is!! She told me that I need to solicit friends to get me out of the house those 10 minutes each day. So if you are interested, please let me know. She also suggested that I start journaling. You see I am GREAT at holding in/pushing down/ stuffing my feelings (no wonder I carry so much extra weight, huh?). She explained that while that "survival strategy" worked in my childhood that it was doing me a great disservice these days. The weight and power of this ball of emotion in my gut has been overwhelming at times. I am so fearful of its depth and pain so I just keep it all bundled up tight inside. I have not done the journaling yet but know it will be a useful tool when I do.

She also wants me to get on a schedule. I have been trying so hard not to take on any "projects" that would divert me from my healing. She explained that this was not a good strategy either. That I need a project, preferably one that will honor Alex. I have several ideas, so we'll see where they lead.

STeve and I are really having a very, very hard time. We find ourselves needing comfort that the other person is just not able to offer. It is a very lonely feeling. We have gone out the last two Friday nights and said alot of things that needed to be said. I am hopeful that we will survive "the most divisive hardship a marriage will ever face" but if we don't; we are dedicated to giving it all we can.

Zoe is doing okay. In her last play therapy session she expressed a need for a cohesive family moving in the same direction (can you say WOW!!). She also expressed some anxiety as well as did a lot of Mom nurturing play. She is very worried about me. This stuff is just amazing. Children never cease to be awe-inspiring, do they?

So we had a girls' night out this past week. I actually had a very good time and thoroughly enjoyed my time with some incredible women! We call ourselves the "Dazzling Dames" and wear tiaras during all of our gatherings. If you have never tried wearing a tiara during your day, I highly recommend it! It really does change how you walk and feel about yourself. So go and celebrate your inner Princess! Then tell me about it, please! I am planning another event for February, so if you see a bunch of women wearing tiaras come by and say "hello". My counselor said I have to do more of this kind of thing. I told her I felt bad not spending time with ZG and Steve. She explained that right now I need to take time for myself so I can be a good wife and mother. So I guess once again, I need to call on my support system.

Steve and I have also joined the local gym. I love doing aerobic classes and am very much looking forward to having endorphines coursing through my body. Steve also found a yoga class nearby that we started last Saturday and will continue to do together for 5 more weeks. I miss yoga but left the first class in a horrible mood. The instructor really pissed me off somehow and I was just plain old MAD! Luckily, she was not going to be our instructor for the remaining sessions. I have NEVER left yoga in anything resembling a sour mood, so this really threw me for a loop. Nevertheless, I am going back in an hour and very hopeful that I will leave in a better mood!!

Okay, well that is the update. The tears are still there every day. At least now I can start to imagine that one day I will be able to anticipate joy in my life. That is HUGE!!!

God bless!

G

Monday, January 28, 2008 - Dark Days

Hi. The last week has been very dark for me. Remember when I talked about the black hole I was so afraid I would fall into after losing Alex? Well, I fell into it. I also started taking some new supplements and medication (to help me sleep) and after reviewing the side effects have called my doctor to let them know. I will go in this morning so perhaps this too shall pass.

The darkness felt alot like hormones but once that was ruled out and the mood continued I started to think. Have you ever not felt in control of your mood? I really did feel like something had hold of me and it would not let me "snap out of it." I have been a royal B-I-T-C-H!! I have been short and loud with Zoe and that is just NOT me!! Poor Steve and Nonni, they are just trying to get out of my way and have had to walk on eggshells around me. I keep telling them I hate this as much as you do but in 10 minutes I'm that crying, short tempered, ball of mush on the floor again. So wish me luck at the doctor's office. I REALLY need it!

God bless, hugs,

G

Tuesday, January 22, 2008 - 7 weeks today

Hi. Life has been very difficult lately. The shock of Alex's passing is wearing off and the reality is setting in. I can cry at any given moment. Friends say "it's been seven weeks, that's nothing". Well it is something to me. It's an endless, gut-wrenching, abyss of despair that is my life without my beautiful boy. I miss him so much. I often think how easy it would be to end the pain and just be with him. (That is normal by the way.) But I know Alex would be very disappointed in me if I did that. I know he was my son for a grand, beautiful, joyous reason and I just have to push through this utter despair to get back to that place. It is just so very hard to do it without him, without his smile, without his laugh and his jokes, without his love. I thrived on that love! I was the best I could be with Alex for the first time in my life. I really just wanted to get it right for him. He forced me to change so many things that were negative in my life. He truly was a gift (and still is).

I find it hard to have more than one task on my plate per day anymore. I try to get multiple errands done but then complete exhaustion takes hold and I can't wait to get home. I have little desire to be social and the past week of cloudy, gloomy days made me feel quite comfortable. The sunshine only makes me feel like I should be doing "sunny day" things that I just don't have the energy to do. Zoe begs to go outside when she comes home from school and it is just beyond me at this time. I went to interview a counselor today and I really liked her. One of her recommendations was to get outside for a brisk walk for 10 minutes every day. I could not make myself tell her how improbable that was at this point. She also had me do three minutes of meditation on "just this moment". Her goal is to get me to "be in the moment" and be mindful of life. I told her Alex taught me how to do that but that lesson is fading as the depression creeps into my mind.

So, do you remember that my MAC crashed the day before Alex's memorial service? We found out yesterday that the data was not going to be easily recovered and today the estimate came in at $1,500 plus parts. I was devastated last night. I told Steve that I don't have Alex and now I don't even have the pictures I took of Alex over his life span. I know we will come up with this money and it will be worth it. It just seems like we can't catch a break.

To make things worse, Steve's cat, Sage passed away and was found today. Steve has had that cat for twenty years and I really thought this was going to send him over the edge. He said at dinner that if the last few weeks had not been what they were; then he probably would have taken the news harder than he is. In comparison to his son's death, Sage's passing is a piece of cake especially since they shared so many important life moments together. So the question of the day is, "WHEN WILL WE CATCH A BREAK?"

I know better than anyone that it can ALWAYS be worse and to be grateful for the blessings in life. It's just been a very long stretch of bad times for this family. Saturday was the one year anniversary of Steve's father's passing. So perhaps you can see why life has been so hard lately.

Well, now that I have brought you all down, I'm going to bed. Tomorrow is a new day and maybe just maybe getting this out of me and into the universe will offer some release to my pain and I will feel like being in the sun tomorrow.

God bless!
G

Thursday, January 17, 2008 - Gratitude

Good morning,

I want to thank all of you who have expressed such kindness and warmth in your comments to this blog. It is absolutely amazing and really does make me think. I wrote the first paragraph of a draft of my life's story. Then I started rambling and then the doubt set in about whether any one would be interested in such a story. I hope to just get it out then let someone else make that determination. I also want to write about Alex's story and I have a few other ideas for some books I always thought I'd like to write (and read). Wish me luck, courage, clarity and conviction!!

Zoe goes to see Alex's play therapist today for the first time. I am looking forward to her having an outlet for her emotions other than growling at people. She especially likes to growl at Nonnie. I don't know if I should discipline her on this or realize that Nonnie is a safe person for her to growl at (express herself) without repercussion. We'll see!

The 1st part of this week was horrible for me. Steve and I went back on our Slim 4 Life program and had to do this "restart" on Monday and Tuesday that set me off into a piss poor mood! I'm not drinking alcohol and now that I have gone 3 days without it, it's okay but believe you me I wanted some damn wine!!! I lost 8 pounds those first 2 days and Steve lost 4 (he did not wear good "weighing in" clothes, in my opinion). So hopefully the weight will continue to come off.

My first therapist interview is next week. I really don't look forward to this but know it is a necessary evil. I'm soooo much better at stuffing feelings (and myself) than working on all of my baggage.

Okay, I really just wanted to thank everyone for everything. You can't imagine the incredible gestures of support that we get daily. It is so wonderful. This is a good world and there are very nice people in it! Thank you all for reminding me of that!

I have lunch and coffee appointments with some of Dr. Foreman's staff in the next week. I really do want to find a way to put them on a beach with absolutely nothing to do!! Wish me luck!

Okay, gotta get! God bless and hugs!
G

Monday, January 14th, 2008 - Shock Fading . . .

Good Morning. The past few days have been very difficult ones for me. I believe that the shock of Alex's passing is fading and the sadness is setting in. For some reason, Friday was a horrible day for me. I spent the morning at the computer, attempting to get some order back in our lives and by 11:30am was utterly exhausted. After picking up ZG, I went to sleep and rested for quite a while. The tears come at the drop of a hat. There is no known trigger except my own thoughts. I am having a hard time fathoming living the rest of my days without him in my life. AS I said before, being a mom and being Alex's mom, is the best thing I have EVER done in my life. It brought me so much happiness and joy not to mention pride. I was one of THOSE women who loved being pregnant because I knew motherhood was going to be grand (and I never had morning sickness)! How do you go on without your joy, your happiness, your pride, your heart? I just don't know. I know Zoe brings me great joy and luckily for me her strong will does not allow me time to wallow. When she wants attention, she gets ATTENTION!!! If you have ever met ZG (or any two year old girl with a mind of her own) then you know what I mean. I love her so much. Bedtimes have been difficult the last few days. My brother-in-law was in town on business, and ZG was sleeping in our bed. We have a collage of Alex and Zoe pictures, portraits and drawings on our wall (it was the one at the memorial service). Saturday night after looking at this collage for a while, Zoe wanted to sleep on the floor (the only time ZG slept on the floor in our room was when Alex was very sick and my sister's family was in the nursery) and was very sad because she wanted "her Alex back". I echoed her sentiment and we had a soft cry together. Yesterday she talked about Alex quite a bit too and all I can do is empathize with her. Steve is also going through this new "realization process" and therefore has been emotionally exhausted after working all day. This past week we had very little communication except about "household minutia". I found out through the week that he was planning a guys' night out (normally fine) via a third party; then he started doing other little things that made me feel very lonely and unwanted. Finally by Saturday night, I was fed up and had to leave the house. I left my mobile phone and headed to the bookstore. There I purchased a journal and pen and started writing a letter to Steve. I then just wandered around the bookstore browsing and thinking and not thinking. It was really great and quite cathartic. I never knew how popular bookstores are on Saturday nights. I am pretty sure I will do that again. It was fun and I had a gift certificate so it was cheap too!! Anyway, my demeanor Saturday night and Sunday morning revealed that I was still irked and Steve wanted to talk about it. I told him about the letter and he asked to read it on his way home from the airport (to drop off Blake.) It took him several hours to return and we had a very good, poignant, honest talk when he did. Nothing is resolved yet but a plan has been put into place. So wish us luck. You see it is just too hard to be there for someone else, focus on work or child rearing and be emotionally available to a grieving spouse all in one day or as we found out in one week. This is not going to be an easy road for our marriage, but Steve and I do love each other and are at least quite willing to do everything possible to make it a marriage we both want. So last night I had this dream, at the very end of it was a woman running around like a mad person. She was caring an extraordinary large piece of luggage with stuff hanging out of all sides. I was taking care of Zoe in the dream when this woman was running around us, but a therapist once told me that some dream theorists propose that we are every person/thing in our dreams. So what does this tell you? I'm carrying around a lot of emotional baggage and feel out of control? Nail on head!!! The image in my mind is pretty comical so I have to laugh at myself and wanted to share this with you all. Well, today is the eight year anniversary of my and Steve's first communication. You see we met on match.com. I was in the first day of my free trial and he had been a member for a few months. My login was Buttercup and his was Montague. I told him about my love for Colorado (was in OKC at time) and he invited me to come play in the mountains with him! At this time I believed fairy tales and "falling in love at first sight" were rude fantasies to put in little girls' minds but after meeting Steve and spending just a few days with him; I had to shut up on that opinion! By April, I was driving to Colorado with a carload of belongings and one year later, Steve proposed (on this day) and in August we were married. We bought our home in December and Alex was born the following October. Good story huh? Since that time, we have met several couples that met over the Internet. It seems to be the way of the future! So far today is starting off okay. Wish me luck for the rest of the week. I have appointments set to start interviewing therapists next week. Love, hugs and God bless! G

Tuesday, January 8th - 5 weeks without Alex

Today at 11:45am will mark the five weeks without Alexander in our lives, physically. I really don't know what to say about that except we still count the days and miss our precious boy so very much. Physically I am ill with "the crud" that is going around town. Mentally, I am a wreck too. I absolutely can't sleep. I went 22 hours without rest (and tried) last Friday night. Even NyQuil did not help me out two nights ago. My heart races for absolutely no reason and my mind fights the deep depression that is lurking in its corners. Feeling ill does not help this battle, I must say.

Zoe Grace is having a difficult time readjusting to her school schedule. She is like me in that she is a night owl by nature and yesterday's wake up call really threw her body into shock! She came home and slept from 6p til 7a with an hour awake during the night. During that hour she changed her pj's and pull up and talked and talked to her daddy. I was trying desperately to stay asleep.

I'm still working on the goals (not resolutions) I set for 2008. If I could only figure out what I want to "do" for the rest of my life, I know some peace would come to my mind. Does anyone know a good "career coach"? I know I want to wake up and look forward to the day and bookkeeping NEVER did that for me. I love and miss my former employer but have yet to make contact with them to explore any possibilities of my return. Steve says it is "too easy" and is encouraging me to find my "place". I don't know if he is right or wrong but I do know I don't want to fall into old patterns and lose the "moment" that Alex taught me about every day.

Okay, I better get. I feel like S&*T! The docs were booked yesterday morning by 8:35am so Linda and I will go in this morning. I need to feel better and to sleep. I also need to get this fire hazard of a Christmas tree out of my life! My sister slipped on some sunken ice on a bridge in Breck last Monday (her 10th wedding anniversary) and broke her arm at the shoulder. She was (and is) in a great deal of pain so ZG and I went to the mountains to help her out last Thursday and Friday. Then I came home sick, so my tree is still up. Gees Louise!

I hope your day is a good one, if it is not; then make it a good one (for me, please)!

Love and God bless!
G