Wednesday, October 28, 2009 - Happy Birthday Alex!

Today would have been Alex's 7th birthday but my thoughts are more on the day I met our beautiful boy. A massive snow storm was heading towards Denver and the maternity ward at Rose was so full that the doctor decided to postpone my induction. Supposedly foul weather and births are highly correlated! My family was in town to throw a baby shower and I really wanted my mom and sister at the birth. So when I went to bed that Sunday night, I was very disappointed that there were no plans for me to go to the hospital the next day, since my family would be departing in the morning. Well, that all changed when a headache set in and I called the doctor. Since my blood pressure had been elevated recently, I was told to "come on in". After that it really becomes a blur. There was the hideous epidural, then the French nurse telling me to "poosh, poosh!" Then there was Alex, pointy head and all! He was absolutely beautiful and my heart grew as soon as I met him. He was healthy and happy and I had to get out of the birthing room to make way for the next mother to be. Steve bathed our boy and we all met back in a hospital room. Alex latched on easily and I knew I had found my true calling, to be a mother. It all made sense. Of course, a mother. That is what I had been waiting for, the purpose of my life, the meaning of my life, the joy of my life! I wept happy tears of anticipation for the family we had become. The massive snow storm that developed did not fail to keep my mother and sister from making it to the hospital that day. We all knew that the snow would be a significant part of the tale of Alex's birthday, too. We did not know that it would also be a part of his departure. You see, the day we said "good-bye" to our baby, it snowed as well. I remember exiting the chapel and crossing the street in a wonderful white haze. The snow was falling and as our balloons raised our prayers to the sky, we all appreciated the beauty of the moment. So on this snowy, snowy day. I think of Alex in every snowflake, absolute perfection, that allows us to stop and take some time to cuddle with our loved ones and enjoy some special moments. Alex wants us all to find our happiness and he is offering you a snowy day to reflect, bond and find peace. Happy Birthday Alex! We love and miss you more than words can say. My heart aches today, but it also knows that you are not gone, merely transformed. Thank you for being such an inspiration to me and all that know you. God bless! G

Monday, October 26th - My thoughts . . .

Good Morning, I was told yesterday that I am due a run of good luck. That I should go buy a lottery ticket. My response was "maybe I have won the lottery and just can't see it". I said this because I want to stop waiting for "some event" to be happy. I want to be happy with today, now, this body, this car, this job, this life! I want to honor Alex with every breath. To be the person, wife, mother - he and Zoe can be proud of. I want to know my power and use it for good. I want to feel my emotions but not succumb to them. I work towards these goals every day. Some days I feel successful and some days I don't but those days are fewer and fewer. Alex's birthday is in 2 days. I was trying to explain to Zoe what a birthday is because she did not understand how Alex could have a birthday since "he's not here". I said, "a birthday is the day you are born, the day you come out of your mommy's tummy." She asked me, "Will Alex come out of my body (remember she thinks of Alex as being in her heart)?" I said, "no". She then asked if he would come out of my body. I said "no". I think I may have confused her more than anything, but I really want her to understand as much as she can. She likes to talk about Alex and process her emotions with us. Steve wants to watch the home videos we took when Alex was with us. I don't think we have ever watched them. Unfortunately, Zoe is out of school that day and I (as well as her therapist) don't believe she should be a part of the first viewing. I am pretty sure it would be very disconcerting for her to see Steve and I so upset. So I don't really know how we will spend Wednesday. I do know there will be tears and if I can get away with it some primal screams! I would like to ask all of you who know Alex, to take a moment to remember his smile and his spirit. If he knew you, he loved you and his beauty was a reflection of the beauty inside all of us. He is your angel too and he wants you to be happy, fulfilled, complete. Just take a moment to say, "hello" to your power, wisdom and glory. Then feel the smile Alex puts in your heart. God Bless, G

Wednesday, October 14, 2009 - Another Alex Moment

Hi All,

So I want to share a very special "Alex Moment" we experienced this past weekend. If you follow me on Facebook, then you know I was having a hard day-missing Alex a few weeks ago. By dinner time, I just wanted to feel warm, enveloped and eat some comfort food. As I was trying to explain this need to Steve, Macaroni Grill came to mind so we were off. Zoe decided to bring along one of two rocks Steve and I purchased on our honeymoon last year at the petrified forest. These are really cool rocks. They are shaped like eggs-white, smooth and when you hold them you can see a rainbow kinda glow from the inside of the rock. We call them our rainbow eggs and if you have followed this blog for any length of time then you know Alex's connection to rainbows.

Okay so all through dinner, Z is playing with this rock and occasionally drops it on the floor of our booth. I decide to put it in the small shopping bag she was carrying it in and set it aside. We all had a very nice dinner, while reflecting on all of the past dinners we shared with Alex, friends and family at this Macaroni Grill. So when we left, I was sure the rainbow rock was with us but somehow when we got home it was not in the bag. I was very distraught but resigned myself to "it ain't nothing but a thing" mentality. But my heart ached everytime I glanced at the crystal dish that used to be home to the two rainbow rocks, that now was half empty.

So last Saturday, I was working at my desk when I noticed that the crystal dish was now occupied by BOTH rainbow rocks! I was amazed and ecstatic. I showed Zoe and said to her "I bet your brother brought this rock back to us". To which, she replied " I bet Alex tiptoed out of my heart and put the rock here, then went right back in!" I enthusiastically agreed with her and we went to tell Steve.

I asked him if he had put the 2nd rock in the dish and he said "no". Once again, I had the feeling that Alex was making his presence in our lives obvious to us, just in case we had forgotten that he was always with us.

Well, that was my goose-flesh moment of the month. Alex's 7th birthday is coming up on the 28th and I have already started feeling the new pain this date brings. The 1st birthday after his passing seems like a haze but this one seems so solid and overwhelming, real if that makes any sense. I will never get to see his big boy smile, hear his 7 year old laugh, see my children share another birthday party. The pain is so immense. Alex is and always will be with me. I just wish I could hug him, see him and give him a sweet kiss.

Okay, well it is time to get Zoe up and ready for school. Thanks for checking back with me. I hope you are well and that you can pull a favorite Alex memory out of your mind to honor our special boy.

Love,

G

Friday, August 14th-2/3's of a day from HELL!! The Recap. cont'd.

So I called Jenny back but she was not to be found. We decided I would shower while Steve processed the data points. During my shower, Steve came in and said "we have some decisions to make." He had spoken to Jenny and we were offered a neurological consult with Foreman that could perhaps negate the need for the MRI. As you can probably guess, I was not having any part of that. No offense to Dr. Foreman, but we need the peace of mind the scan would provide. Steve told Jenny that and she would call back to let us know if his consult was a prerequisite for the scan. Luckily (for them!) it was not. I spoke to Jenny later that afternoon and asked her to talk to Foreman and convey to him that we need him to take this seriously, to really give the scan some consideration because "this is not fun for us!" She heard me and told me that he was taking it seriously but the chances were so slight for Zoe to have a brain tumor. I told her that that information was of ABSOLUTELY no comfort to us whatsoever. We discussed details when we could expect to hear from Foreman and she ended the call by saying "I wish I had a valium for you or something!"

So since we had promised Zoe a new fish tank, we decided to distract her from her hunger (and ours) by heading to PetsMart around noonish. We spent time in PM looking at the aquariums and decor items, fish and birds. Zoe pointed out "Fluff" to us. He is her bird friend (imaginary) and was very beautiful. So we purchased our stuff and headed out on a long drive so Z could get in a nap before we arrived at the hospital.

So Zoe falls asleep within 10 minutes and once Steve got on the main highway to the hospital, my mind started FREAKING OUT. I was so, so scared. Steve and I talked about how hideous the flashbacks were and how worried we were for Zoe and her mental well-being before, during and after this ordeal. I cried and would have screamed if I could have. By the time we arrived at the hospital, Zoe was waking up and I had regained my composure. At the check-in counter we were told to have a seat on a couch in the airport-esque lobby. Since I had already gone through the check in process the day before, I asked if she needed my confirmation number to which she replied, "it just says for you to have a seat on that couch". So we did. Steve and Zoe went to view the ball machine and a lady came up to me and asked "what's the patient's name?" I told her and then I realized what she had said and went to talk to her and the woman behind the computer. I firmly told them to NOT say patient again around my daughter. "I am serious." They both agreed and looked at me like I had snakes in my hair. So we were then told to go to radiology across the lobby.

Upon arriving in radiology, I had to complete the same forms I have filled out for every one of Alex's MRI's and it was NOT fun!" I then went to go sit with Steve and Zoe. I tried to read a magazine, but absolutely could not concentrate on the words. I realized that my laptop was also not going to be a good distraction. Luckily about that time, our beautiful neighbor, Courtney showed up and we immediately headed out of radiology to look at the construction and to go to the gift shop. Since we had a pager this was not a problem.

Zoe ended up getting a lovely stuffed horse from the gift shop and I bought a scarf. Nothing like retail therapy. When we returned we saw Steve sitting just outside radiology. I asked him why he moved and he said "someone brought food in and sat it out right in front of our former location". I'm sure if they had known that there were kids that had not eaten since 8a that morning they would have been more considerate but nonetheless, we moved.

Next, I spent alot of time talking with our nurse, Erin, to explain words she could and could not say around Zoe. I also told her that we were telling Z that she was there for a shot and we did not want her to see any MRI machines. Erin then explained that there would be gas done on the MRI table and then she would receive the general anesthesia via IV. So that through a monkey wrench into our set up and we had to talk to Z about the mask. The next issue was the anesthesiologist himself, I had told Erin that we did not want to answer their questions in front of Zoe and here he comes, just comes into the room and starts asking questions. I ask him if we can talk outside and he accommodates my request, but only halfheartedly. He tells me they "HAVE" to ask us at the MRI door what procedure we are here for AGAIN, as a safeguard for Zoe. He suggests that STeve and I split up and answer this question, to which I agree. We are then asked if we want an oral med to make Zoe sleepy and loopy. We agreed since it would also act as a mind eraser of the events to come. So in all, Zoe had 3 anesthesia yesterday: oral, gas and IV.

Okay, so the oral med takes effect and time is ticking. Our 3:45pm MRI was not happening at 4:20 pm and Dr. Foreman only had until 6p to read the scan before departing for an out of town conference. So FINALLY, we get Zoe outside the MRI room and here we go again! Another nurse, starts asking me "so we are here today for a . . ." to which I immediately start shushing her! She was not going to be shushed and I had to just interrupt her and say "YES, we are here for a B-R-A-I-N scan". GEEZ!!! What a pain!

Okay, so we head straight to the cafeteria to grab some lunch (at 4:30pm) and not three bites into it, our pager starts to go off. A brain MRI takes 30 to 45 minutes and my heart immediately sped up. I grabbed my stuff, told Steve and Courtney "this is not good!" and nearly ran back to Radiology. Once there, no one was inside the patient lobby to meet us and a nurse leaving had to call and find out why our pager was going off. She explained that "it was a mistake". Again, GEEZ! (just to keep this post family friendly, we'll use geez instead of my actual words!) So after our hearts returned to normal, we tried to eat our lunches/snacks.

About 5p, we were paged to come back to see Z. She was OUT! The nurse took out her IV hoping that the process would wake her up but it did not. So I asked Steve to go get our stuff and Courtney from the lobby. I had left my phone in the lobby and wanted to have it to speak to Foreman when he called. Steve was gone for a very long time and time was passing so I went to find him. He was in the lobby and had been locked out. So I got my phone and sure enough, I had missed the call from Foreman. So I can't call voicemail fast enough as we are walking back down the halls to Zoe. Finally, I hear these words spoken in a very tired, English voice "Zoe's scan is clear". I told Steve and Courtney and hung up the phone. I guess I pressed "erase" instead of "save" because I never got to hear the rest of that message. It did not matter, I just wanted to get the F out of that place. We tried again to wake Zoe but she was not having any part of it. Finally about 30 minutes later, Zoe wakes up and we head home. We have milk and snacks for Zoe and the nurse gave her some animal crackers that she would not share on the ride. We then took Zoe to her preschool's first "Parents night out" of the summer. Zoe was still too wobbly to walk so I had to put her on a blanket in the backyard with some of the other kids. It took me about 15 minutes to get out of there after cutting off her bracelet and reassuring her that she would be okay. It was Shannon's tale of ice cream and glow sticks that finally convinced Zoe she wanted to stay. So I joined Steve in the car.

We headed straight home. Steve needed a nap and I needed a beer. I made some phone calls and then woke Steve up after an hour or so. We then headed to our neighborhood Sushi place and had a wonderful dinner. I asked Steve "what's next, dancing?" and he said he had a surprise for us. We were headed to Inspiration Point!

If you have not been to our town's Inspiration Point, you need to go. Don't even think about getting some some there though. There are video cameras everywhere and they make sure you know so! We were there for the views and the walk anyway. On our walk, we saw our city from many new vantage points. It was a lovely, clear summer evening and truly lovely. We both were completely flabbergasted that in the 8 years we have lived here, neither of us had ever noticed the 3 or 4 story tall, bright phallic symbol in our view. It was VERY phallic if you get what I mean, and it was lit up with alternating orange and blue pulsating lights. I swear I have seen smaller versions in certain stores! After a hearty laugh, we decided it was part of the children's area at our neighborhood amusement park! Just makes you wonder, what else have we been missing both in our landscapes and our lifescapes!

Thank you and God bless!

G

Friday, August 14th-2/3's of a day from HELL!! The Recap.

So I just have to get this down before I forget the details of yesterday. I woke up at 7a and no one else was awake. I went downstairs to wake Steve after making the coffee. I made a stop at the "facilities" before going to wake Zoe and I hear Steve "NO WAY, FU**, FU**!!" I'm mortified and come out saying "What, What, What is it!". Steve's response "We have NO EGGS!" I knew at that moment Steve was needing to be pissed at SOMETHING! So to de-escalate the problem (you see we promised Zoe a big pancake breakfast because her first and only meal until evening would need to be eaten by 7:30am, and we wanted it to be big), I responded "Oh well, we can do waffles." Since it was 7:16am I thought that would work. But Steve's glare was very intense and I felt his displeasure. He glared at me as he made his way out of the kitchen and downstairs. I went to wake Zoe and I got her to the breakfast bar. I asked her if she wanted waffles or cereal and she chose waffles, so I started to prepare them. As I was doing this, I looked inside the Bisquik box and saw some dark spots. Upon investigati0n, it turned out the mix had weebles so I threw it out. Next thing I know, Steve is walking through the front door with a carton of eggs. My heart sank to have to tell him about the weebleful Bisquik and his glare returned quickly! So we finished breakfast and I asked Zoe if she wanted to go to Kidz Club at the gym with me? She put her finger on her chin and looked to the sky and said, "well, maybe I want to . . . GO TO KIDS CLUB!!! I laughed of course and we proceeded to get to the gym.

After a great workout, the instructor, Angela came up to me after I had retrieved Zoe from the Kidz club room and asked "are you okay, you seem a little down today?" I told her to speak to Joshua or Chris to get the details but told her it has to do with Zoe so I can't speak about it here. She agreed and I followed Zoe out of the building. As we headed to the car, I looked over the parking lot to our new liquor store. I considered going to get the beer now or later. I decided to take the "green" option and we just walked across the parking lot into the liquor store. Now you have to know that I really like this new liquor store, but I have been quite vocal about "not being happy" when they run out of Sam Adams Light Beer 12 packs and then sell out of the 6 packs by Saturday afternoons. So I see the gentleman, that usually gets the brunt of my discourse as I walked in the door and said across the store (since we were the only ones there at 10am) "Am I happy?" We both then looked to the beer cases and I saw it there, glowing like a beacon, a 12 pack of SA Light!!! I WAS HAPPY, IT WAS GOING TO BE A GOOD DAY!!! As I ran to the precious box, I saw my 2nd favorite beer of the summer, Oskar Blues Brewery's "Mama's Little Yella Pill" so I grabbed a six pack of it too. We paid for our purchase and I filled out a form to get on their email list then Zoe and I walked back across the parking lot which was filling up with the yoga class crowd carrying my treasure proudly and boldly! I was ready if anyone wanted to say something to me!! Just BRING IT ON! I had my "Steve" mode all planned out!

So we get home and there is a message on the home phone. It is Jenny M. from Dr. Foreman's office (Alex's pediatric, neuro-oncologist) saying that "Dr. Foreman wants to see Zoe at 2p today and to call her back asap and that she will call me back too." So I played the message for Steve who was in the garage building Zoe's new bed. We both experienced a spike in anxiety and despair. I think we cried and I know we hypothesized "why would he want to see Zoe?" I told Steve there was NO WAY Zoe was going to see him. Primarily because she remembers Dr. Foreman, he is like a croc wearing Ringo Star but smarter. He is a distinctive character!

Okay, I have to take a break. We are going to go purchase a bike "tag a long" for Zoe. More later!

G

Z is OK!!

Thursday, August 13th - Zoe has an MRI tomorrow

Hi All,

So Zoe had her first occupational therapy appointment on Tuesday. At the end, the OT asked me "have you noticed her head tick and tilt to the left?" At which time, my heart sank and my guts spilled onto the floor. If you recall, one of Alex's presenting symptoms was a "head tilt to the left". After I asked her to be sure and she was. I asked her what I should do and she said to "have it looked at as soon as possible." So I came home and emailed our pediatrician, Dr. Jody. She called me back and said she would see Zoe this morning for a "check up" and schedule an MRI for today. Well, of course, no one contacts us all day yesterday about any MRI so later that evening we found out it would need to be on Friday. So we all were at the ped's office at 8a this morning and Zoe has grown 3/4 of an inch since May and her eyesight is the same. Other than that, the doc did not see anything and Zoe would not complete the dexterity tests like, touching her nose then the doctor's moving finger. Jody did say that "OT's are so much better at seeing these things" and the we would go ahead with the MRI for everyone's peace of mind. So she called and it is scheduled for 3:45pm MST tomorrow.

Yesterday was a day spent battling fear, logic, anxiety and did I say FEAR!!!!! Luckily Zoe was able to go to her friend's house for the day and Steve and I had time to talk, cry, strategize, pray, cry and plan. I have been asked "is there a tilt" and I say "yes" there is and Steve says "no" and Dr. Jody only saw it at the end of the visit. I am trying so hard to put my powers to good and think positively but PLEASE do not tell me "the odds are in your favor" because that is ABSOLUTELY of no comfort to me! So, I have been to the gym, drank a few beers and held my baby tight and worried myself almost sick.

Tomorrow, Zoe will not be able to eat after 7:30am. I will be at the gym at 9a and we will be at TCH at 2:30p for the scan. We have no plans to tell Zoe much tonight. Tomorrow it will be that we have to go to the hospital and she will get a shot (can't say "poke" because that was Alex's term.) I have to keep reminding myself of that.

So I have members of my tribe showing up tonight and if you are part of that group, you are welcome too! Pray, PRAY and PRAY again!! My wish is that tomorrow we are all free of this all too well known anxiety and excruciating fear.

God bless!

G

Alex, please dear boy, look after your baby sister tomorrow and give her peace. We love you and ache for your smile.

Zoe Grace - A Kid's Kid, August 7, 2009

As much as I wish Alex were alive and well, I wish you could know Zoe Grace. She is an absolutely amazing child. Every week, I hear "what an imagination" or "what a beauty". People just have to comment when they experience the ZG. She has a wonderful energy and her imagination is AWESOME! So far we have met Lucky, her horse, Fluff, her bird, and Bolt, her dog. I wish I could remember the name of her "inside" chipmunk. Zoe makes friends wherever she goes and has been likened to "Max" from the classic tale "Where the Wild Things Are" which Steve and I agree is a very good way to describe Z.

Zoe still misses her brother, as do we all. And there are times when I can feel Alex's absence in Zoe's playtimes. It is heartbreaking to even think about what she has missed out on. To put it in perspective, I was told "You have to remember, Zoe picked this life so don't pity her, rejoice in her." Someday, maybe we will all understand. But as I have said before, there is no answer to the question "why?" that would be satisfactory so therefore there is no "Why?"

Okay, so back to the living. We have had a busy summer and I am not ready for Fall. I was in a JoAnne Fabrics at the end of July and was absolutely taken aback to see the employees putting out Halloween decor. It truly struck me to the core. "I'm not ready, NO, NO, NO!!!" I swear I won't return to any hobby, fabric, home stores for a while.

I have used the summer to improve myself and hopefully build up stores of energy, wisdom, and strength to enter the Fall and Winter seasons. I am still working out and losing weight. I am physically stronger, more fit and have more endurance and stamina than ever before in my life. Quite a feat at 43 years of age. I am addicted to the endorphins and if you don't have them in your life, I STRONGLY encourage you to go get some! Endorphins make everything better, even the bereavement of a child like Alexander. It took me a year of intermittent working out to get them but WHOA when they become a part of your life, you are truly LIVING!!

So here are some pics of ZG. I hope you enjoy them and enjoy the last month or so of summer. You will never get this moment back again, so make it worth your while.

Much love and God bless,

G

Pictures from Gwendolyn

Click here to view these pictures larger

Wednesday, May 20, 2009 - Soccer Mom

Hi All,

So every since I told you about my website, I have been petrified and absolutely no work has been done on the site since. I'm still working through this issue so bear with me.

I wanted to let you all know that Zoe will be playing soccer for the first time today with a new group in the hood. I will officially be a "soccer mom" as of 1p today. Whoo Hoo!!

Also, I can happily report that I have lost 27 (not a type-o, has been verified) pounds!!! WHOO HOO!! I feel so much better about my body and my life. I have been dieting since I was 12 years old and only intermittently added exercise to the diet for better results. Let me tell you, working the weight off is so much easier than dieting! I hate dieting and LOVE working out! I am one person that needs her endorphines!

Okay, well, just a quick update. Gotta go to soccer practice.

Much love and have a wonderful holiday weekend.

G

Monday, April 27 2009 - Oh the Internet

Hi all,

I am trying to navigate my way into a new career here. I am working very hard to start writing and somehow get paid for it. They say you should do what you love and as you can tell, I do enjoy sharing with you. My new venture will be up and running soon, so stay tuned!

I have to say getting away was good. First we visited my family for Easter. That was very nice and a good time was had by all. Zoe got a new kitten. I thought the name was Lucy, but have since learned that it is Loosy Goosy. So be sure you get that right! She is a sweet, low maintenance kitten and we love her very much.

After the trip home, I flew to St. Louis to attend a wedding. While there I saw some dear, long-time ( hate to use the word "old") friends and made some new ones too. It was so great to be out and about and social. I realized Saturday night how pathetic and lonely my new life is when the best thing I could think of to do was the mass of towels and linen laundry at our local laundromat. We have a washer and dryer. I just wanted to get it all done within hours instead of days. Now that is sad! I have to make an effort to get out more!

Okay, back to it. Hope your day is a good one and that you enjoy it even it is not.

G

Yesterday, we all set up the layout for Alex's tribute garden. This has been years in the making and I know it will get planted this year. I have some pics for you too.

Please send your prayers . . .

Click here to see the clip from the evening news about two baby girls and the agonizing ordeal this twist of fate has created in so many lives.

Please send your prayers to these little ladies and their families, doctors, and communities.

God bless,

G

Tuesday, April 7, 2009 - Tuesdsy, Aoril 7, 2009

Good Morning,

Well an emotional breakdown (I cried long and hard Thursday) has been followed by a physical one. Since Sunday, I have been ill with a stomach flu. I woke on Sunday at 5:30 a.m. to get on the road, but I-70 was closed due to poor driving conditions. Soon thereafter the illness made itself known and I was not going anywhere. Yesterday morning was not much better, so I cancelled the first portion of our trip and plan to leave tomorrow morning.

I want to thank everyone for the kind and supportive words and even the not so kind and not so supportive ones as well. I feel compelled to explain my "intent" when I posted the last entry. I thought long and hard about whether to put such personal and private information on the world wide web. If you have followed this blog for any time, you know I am brutally honest about my life. I really don't know the value of "softening the blow" for the general public. My intent was only to share the experiences of my life over the last few weeks. I was completely OVERWHELMED and needed a release. Writing this blog is one of my means of release and reading the comments is another. I was not trying to solicit sympathy at all. Support, yes! Sympathy, NO! Nor was I trying to "blame" anyone for anything. As we all know, a marriage is made of two persons.

I am neither embarrassed nor ashamed of my posts. Honesty is necessary when seeking change and that is where I am at now. I am in uncharted territory right now and as many Americans, am very uncertain about my future. As we all know, it is only by circumstance, and the Grace of God, that we are not that homeless person on the corner that we can't look in the eyes. I consider myself a strong person, who has had a life full of experience, good and bad. When Alex was dying, we were supported by friends, family and AFLAC. I still have friends and family, but I often feel like a burden on my friends and family with all of this intensity. More than one has written to me to "move on/get it over with". That type of advice is neither helpful nor supportive. It only reinforces to me that they are sick of hearing about me and the issues in my life. So that is another reason, I seek out you, the anonymous-yet-supportive, circle of friends I have here. I also want to thank Karen E., for her understanding, diplomacy and support. Thank you, Karen!

I also need to make a correction. I have lost 14 pounds, not 27. When I weighed at home after a shower, my scale showed a 17 lb loss (I hit a 2 instead of a 1, on that last post). At the gym, the scale weighed me a pound more than the home scale and 2 more pounds were added by my shoes. So 14 pounds are gone but many more are to come!

I hope each and every one of you have a pleasant holiday. God Bless.

G

A Note from Steve

My dear friends,

This is only the 2nd time I've chosen to comment on Gwen's blog but know that over the years I derived much comfort, solace and even words of wisdom from your thoughts and words. Truly Alex's death drew together a strong community of caring souls. I thank you for that.

Now that Gwen and I are in the middle of something common to 75% of all marriages having experienced a child's death due to brain tumor, I hope that your words of encouragement for Gwen her on this blog continue. It is and should remain a source of strength. But please remember that the words written on this blog represent at the most half of an amazing complex and tragic story; not all. Those of you who know the story or truly know me that the events unfolding now do not result from caprice or whimsy or even vanity. I am now morning the loss of my son. There are a few out there who can relate but for the rest, before making comment I want you to put yourself in my shoes.

I want to thank the commenter above for offering comment and advice on a subject of obvious concern and passion. I only wish that they had not used the blanket of anonymity in making such strong statements. Those who truly know and love me understand that I am always willing to hear criticisms and opposing views. Those who truly know and love me, especially a friend, would know not to be afraid to talk to me directly, rather than through the open medium of the blogsphere.


Please, I ask you to use this space in support of my wife, the positives that have built up over the years should not become poisoned by the vitriol of misplaced virtue. If you have something to say to me, say it directly, not here.

Kindest and warmest regards,

Steve

March 17, 2009 - St. Patrick's Day

Good Morning,

Well, last Tuesday, Steve moved into the apartment downstairs. Within one hour I completely "girlified" the bedroom and really love it. I have Oprah magazines on the bedside table and candles and flowers in the room. It makes me smile.

Steve and I are still able to stay light and generally cordial. He went out of town Saturday night to visit a friend for the evening and returned Sunday morning. Unfortunately I can't trust any of his words, so I was invited to get upset about this. Instead, Zoe and I went for a walk and had a very nice fire in our outdoor fireplace that evening. I still have to fight the negative feelings but only for minutes not hours now.

The best part of my world right now centers around personal training. The gym is offering an incredible deal. If I complete 20 pt sessions in the two months ending April 30th, then I get 10 pt sessions free! I'm using part of the tax return to fund this endeavor and so far I have only missed one day at the gym since Friday. Joshua, my trainer, decided this morning to make me his "member of the month". Which means we are now in a competition to with other trainers/clients to have the "best results" at the end of the month and win some prize. I think he said a dinner at McCormick's. I'm not so excited about getting food for working out but we'll see. I do have a competitive streak in me and that is great motivation.

I have to say that I am really changing, this time for the good. I would rather be moving than not, and my energy level has increased and the endorphines are wonderful!!! I love them! I am finally ready to let go of this "weight that I have been carrying around for so long." I am ready to be free! It just feels wonderful to be in this mindset.

I also joined Weight Watchers Online yesterday to help me track my food intake. So far so good! I would like to find a meeting run by a great leader. That is usually easier said than done, but I will give it a try.

The down side is that I have not sent out any resumes in the past two weeks. I am not motivated to find a full time gig doing bookkeeping. I just don't love accounting! I'm not too stressed by this, because I feel that I am on a path that will lead me to a good place one way or the other. Red House Staging is starting work in this city and I have asked to be a part of the staging/design team. It would just be wonderful to be able to move and be creative at work instead of sitting in front of a computer all day. At Kabbalah Experience, the month end accounting has been delegated to an outside person who is actually redoing all of the books since last day one. I am so excited that their books will be clean and to be free of that task. There is just not enough time in my 10 hour work week to fix the books. Instead I am doing more administrative, marketing work; which I prefer. I will also begin my 2nd class, Time, next week. It is a perk of the job too!

So you can see why I am not too stressed. Joshua says that if I don't control my stress all of this working out and food diligence will be for not. Stress can completely derail all of this hard work, so I need to focus on that too.

So I have attached a movie of Zoe reading a letter she found. She was just too adorable and I am so happy to share this with you. I hope you enjoy it.

So this Saturday night, it is my turn to go out and about. I have some great plans with Lisa. I can't wait!

Okay, Jillian, thank you for the note. If you would like to send me an email at fightthebump@comcast.net, we can correspond that way.

Thanks so much to you all. I know your thoughts and prayers are a huge part of my well-being.

Happy St. Patty's day!

G

Sunday, March 8, 2009 - Zoe!

Hi All,

I have been wanting to write a post on ZG. I know you are all probably very concerned about our precious little girl. Well, I am happy to report that Zoe is thriving and doing quite well. She has even become quite the little chatter box! As you may recall, we took Z out of school last November. The classroom transition was very stressful for Zoe and Steve and I thought it best to relieve Zoe from this stress for a time. The winter months were worrisome. Zoe was picking up on all of the "seasonal cues" and was pretty somber throughout the winter time. Well, the weather has turned unseasonably warm lately and Zoe has emerged as her old, gregarious self! She loves to do art and is quite the tempermental artiste! She has thrown her work away when it was "not good enough" for us to see it and also created an art gallery for some of her favorites.

Zoe started going to a nannyshare a couple of days a week and so far loves it. She has become great friends with the five-year-old boy in one nannyshare (surprise, surprise)! And prefers to direct the "cleaning up" portion of the day rather than assist. (I have no idea where she gets that!)

Zoe is an animal, specifically dog, FANATIC!!! She could play with dogs all day long. She loves to get in the dog crate, give the dogs check ups, and just romp around with them. It is great! We are somewhat concerned about the withdrawal she will experience when Noni leaves with the dogs on Tuesday, but we'll deal with that.

Zoe is currently playing tee ball and soccer. We are hoping to get her onto a team so she can really learn theses sports! Zoe loves to go the "kids club" at the gym with me and to fly on the swings like a bird.

We are allowing Zoe to do as much "regression" as she likes at this time. She loves to be held like a baby and given her bottle (water sippy cup). While this nourishes Zoe, it also nourishes me. She is slowly doing more without her pacifier than she is with it. Every doctor says she is fine and her teeth are fine as well. I personally don't like to see Z with a pacifier, but her therapist says it is "how she keeps me with her at all times"; so I deal with it.

Zoe has tried to learn how to ride her brother's bike with training wheels, but since the trike we had is broken, does not have the act of peddling quite yet. We hope to get her a trike/bike for her birthday. Z is quite excited about her upcoming birthday! She has given me a list of friends she wants to come to her party. It is long!!! So we'll see what we can make happen.

Well, I can't write everything that is wonderful about Zoe but those are the highlights! Zoe has asked me to "come to the big bed" (I'm currently sleeping in her room) with her and her dad. She does not understand why I say "no thank you". I'm sure she will do some more regression once Steve moves downstairs as well. Her therapists has suggested that we start reading age-appropriate books about separation and divorce to Z. I hope to go the library early next week to review the selections.

I have attached some recent photos of Zoe for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy!

Much love, God bless!

G

PS-After three months of personal training, I am proud to announce that I have lost 8 pounds and several inches. Whoo Hoo!!!! Yeah ME!!!

Friday, March 6, 2009 - One Year Ago . . .

Wow, one year ago, Steve and I were one week away from our honeymoon in Northern California. What a difference a year makes.

I want to share an email I just received. It was a true gift! Thank you!

You can't read this and stay in a totally bad mood!

• 1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
• >Unique Up On It.
• 2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
• > Tame Way
• 3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
• > They Take The Psycho Path
• 4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
• > You Boil The Hell Out Of It
• 5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
• > Dam!
• 6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
• > Polaroid's
• 7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
• > A Stick
• 8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
• > Nacho Cheese.
• 9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
• > Subordinate Clauses.
• 10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
• > Quattro Sinko. (think about it... uno, dos, tres)
• 11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
• > Spoiled Milk.
• 12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
• > Frostbite.
• 13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
  
• > A NervousWreck.
• 14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
• > Anyone Can Roast Beef.
• 15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
• > Right Where You Left Him.
• 16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
• > Because They Have Big Fingers .
• 17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
• > Because It Scares The Dog.
• 18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
  
• > Sanka
• 19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
  
• > The location of the Dirt Bag
• 20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
• > Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
• 21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
• > A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
• > A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack ..
• 22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
• > Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
• 
  
• Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile

Here is an excerpt from my reply.
I am having many more smiles these days. I appreciate your kind and gentle words.
Steve will be moving downstairs when his mom leaves on Tuesday. We are currently in the setting boundaries phase. Unfortunately, not much about this situation is ideal except for the slightest possibility I may get my own bathroom!!!!

Also, for Jillian, "wanna be my facebook friend?

Thank you all. Have a good evening.

G

Friday, February 27, 2009 - Ask and Ye Shall Receive

Good Morning. I just want to thank the person that posted that last comment. I have always said that the comments on this blog are soooo much better than what I write. It has taken me several days to understand the first sentence but I think I have some comprehension of what was intended. Second of all, for the last three days I have been down and out with a fever and head congestion, so I could not "hold onto" all of those negative feelings. There was just not enough energy to be angry, hurt, or fearful. I was just ill. So, I have to say the break was worth it. Now, I am trying to figure out how to proceed. Action items are always best in situations like these. So I am searching for work and just trying to get my head around what will be on the other side of this tunnel. I really have no idea, but who does? So, today I just want to experience the day. Share some time with Zoe and recoup my strength.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I know your positive thoughts and prayers have had an incredible impact on my well-being.

Have a great weekend! God bless.

G

Wednseday, February 25, 2009- This is Changing Me.

So I realized last night that I am changing at my very core. In order to facilitate change, I feel compelled to hold on to anger, mistrust, anxiety and fear. It is very exhausting staying in such a negative space and it is not my nature to absorb such negative states. I know if I let go that things will just move back to there "usual" which is why we are here now. So what do I do? Does divorce/separation usually change the parties involved into angrier, mistrusting souls? I have worked so hard at living a good life and being a good person, inside and out that this is causing me great distress. My body is even feeling the stress and is ill, again.

If you know how I can continue to stay motivated for a better life without losing myself, I would love to hear from you.

God bless.

G

Thursday, February 19, 2009 - Another Day

Hi all. Thank you for the kind and supportive words and prayers. We all need them right now. I met with my tribe of incredible women last night and got some great hugs, good advice and action items. My anxiety right now concerns Zoe and her ability to cope with another dramatic change to her family.

God bless.

G

Tuesday, February 17, 2009 - A Darkness Falls

Morning again,

So an evil is creeping into my soul. I have desires to do despicable, mean things. Things that I know are wrong and will cause much turmoil in many lives. This blow has hit me harder than Alex's passing.

I can't bear to think of the raw deal Zoe has been given during her short time here so far. I only pray that somehow she will be okay. I can't answer the question "who will take care of Zoe while you take care of you?" I need help.

I called the divorce attorney today. I have been advised to not make any final decisions for a while, so that is what I plan to do. I just feel so betrayed and physically beaten up. My body is falling apart and I have no idea how to handle this phase so far.

G

Monday, February 16, 2009 - Another Bomb Has Dropped

I really don't how much to tell you so there is enough privacy to work through this for all involved but Steve and I are not doing well. I can't fix anyone but myself and that is what I plan to try to continue. I have no idea what life will look like at the end of this either. I'm pretty sure our home will have to be sacrificed. My main concern is who will take care of Zoe while I take care of myself. Thank you all for continuing on this journey with me. Here we go again!

G

Saturday, January 24, 2009 - Hugs from Alex!!

This just happened and I am absolutely tingling!! Here's the background: 1) Zoe tore off the border wallpaper in her room while crying and saying "I can't take it anymore; I don't want these people staring at me!!"
2) Dad, Zoe, and Mom all spent a weekend in the smallest room in our house taking wallpaper off the walls while riding one of the most amazing emotional roller coaster rides of the year!
3) Mom makes a "storyboard" of Zoe's Room with items from Ikea's website. The total for "new ensemble" is $220; which has to be budgeted for and we had planned to ask for contributions from family for Z's birthday to complete.
3)The painting process has been done in phases over two weeks.
4)Steve and I just took a break so the 1st coat of paint could dry on 2 of Z's walls.
5)I went out to check the mail and two checks from TCH, refunding overpayments on Alex's account; have arrived totaling $192.76. They are from charges from 12/28/2006 and 9/2/07!
6)Mom starts crying because Alex is such an incredible big brother!!! He loves his sister so and I can feel his love around me and filling my soul. I swear I am glowing!! Zoe is sleeping but I can not wait to wake up and tell her! She will be so excited!! And we'll go shopping online! I also want to tell you another tidbit. I attended a school tour Friday and posted pics on a shutterfly site I recently created. As I was perusing around the site I found 15 albums of pictures I have created since Alex was an infant! I was so happy to see these pictures! Let me know if you want the link. I also used some of these pics to create a Valentine's Day card that I am so excited about! Much Love! G

January 13, 2009 - "Life is not for pussies!"

Welcome to 2009. This is the first week on my new work schedule and I must say I am loving it! This morning Zoe and I made a snowman and have gone sledding! I've attached a photo of the snowman for you to see.

I have not written lately because the holidays were pretty tough and I did not want to bring everyone down. The reality of our existence without Alex is setting in and the shock (thank God for shock) is wearing off. I know that sounds strange but it really is true. Let me just give you an example of how "reality is settling in".

Last Thursday as the Sooners were losing ANOTHER championship game, we heard Zoe crying in the nursery. I went in to find her tearing off the wallpaper border and crying "I can't take it anymore. I don't want these people staring at me when I sleep!" The border, if you have not seen it, is a color version of the blue and white toile wallpaper on the upper portion of her walls. Both depict various nursery tales such as Humpty Dumpty, Little Bo Peep, Jack and Jill, etc. Zoe had never said anything about the people staring at her but I can't tell you the last time she actually slept in the nursery. So, the next morning (after asking 10 thousand times) we went to Lowe's to get some paint. Zoe picked out a beautiful green color and the majority of our weekend was spent peeling the wallpaper that Steve put up in preparation for Alex's arrival in October 2002. This wallpaper took me an entire pregnancy to decide upon, even though it was my first choice. And we have really enjoyed the nursery's various furniture re-arrangements over the past six years. The emotional journey Steve, Zoe and I have taken over the past weekend has been very intense. Zoe has been especially discombobulated seeing the room in disrepair. She's ready to paint but the paper just got completely removed yesterday and today I have washed the walls. Next will be repairing the walls, then drying, then painting. Zoe also wants a new bed so we are trying to find something for her. Let me know if you have any nice, little girl furniture lying around. We plan to move the full size bed (converted from the crib frame) downstairs to the guest quarters. So soon the nursery will be transformed into Zoe's room! It will be a great day (and night for mom and dad) once this project is completed!

So, another reality is the fact that Steve and I will not be meeting any more of our natural born children (in this lifetime at least). The reality of my age plus the task of nurturing Zoe (and perhaps an adopted child) to adulthood means that this dream must go. I think any woman that has come to the realization that she will not have anymore children can understand the grief that surfaces.

So I have to tell you about our Valentine's Day Tree. I don't know if you remember the torment cutting down a tree (City ordered it) in our front median caused Zoe. We told Zoe the tree was sick (sometimes we even said "dead") and had to be cut down. STUPID, STUPID, STUPID!! So Zoe made the association that when something is sick/dead you get rid of it (like her brother) and she did not like that idea!!! So when it came time to take down the xmas tree, Zoe became VERY upset and begged us not to get rid of it. Nonetheless, I continued to remove decorations. While I was doing so, I commented to Steve how amazingly fresh the tree still was. We bought this tree on December 4th and the tree was still quite supple and fresh. Steve then had the brilliant idea of creating a Valentine's Day tree; so we did! I told Zoe the plan and asked her to go around the house looking for hearts or red, pink, white toys, etc. Next thing I know she has put all of her red, barrel of monkeys, monkeys on the tree! It was perfect! We pulled out some old V day cards and some other items and wah-lah a Valentine's tree! I highly recommend that everyone decorate for Valentine's day. It helps the transition from the Christmas holidays to Easter/Springtime. Just don't tell Zoe about the Valentine's day tree fairy that comes in and leaves chocolates but takes your tree!

So I'm going to post some pics for you all. Zoe has taken up photography and any pics you see of our pets have been taken by her. I love the perspective she has shared with us in her pics. It truly does reveal what the world looks like to her. I hope you enjoy the pics!

Take care of yourselves and God bless.